Episode 354 - Knight Moves, chapters 1-2

Episode 354: Knight Moves, chapters 1-2

This has been two idiots negotiating.

Meet Dick Chaser*, corporate spy, raider, cyborg superman, pizza connoisseur and all-around idiot. Meet William Ackerman, gratuitously evil cooperate overlord and also an idiot. Meet Jason Chandler, also a gratuitously evil cooperate overlord and, once again, an idiot. These three are the core characters from Light and Sound, an original Cyberpunk story about intrigue, espionage, the price of power or some other junk like that. But why are they here? Because they’ve been crudely shoehorned into Bubblegum Crisis for the sake of skipping out on the world-building. So you get all the fun of watching really stupid people negotiate, try to find their way around Tokyo to the nearest rollercoaster and just ask to be subject to some police brutality all the while knowing there are more interesting people in the background who you could be reading about instead! Also, Largo is there because it’s a BGC fic and that’s the rules.

*Yes, that is his name


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 353 - The Amazing Star-Spider, chapters 40-45

Episode 353: The Amazing Star-Spider, chapters 40-45

Oh come on, you rip off one guy’s face and nobody ever lets you live it down.

It’s time for more of The Amazing Star-Spider! But what does this section bring, you may ask? Well, if you’re a fan of dropped plots, then this is the fic for you. That’s right, it starts not one, not two but three brand-new plotlines without any thought of the story left by the wayside. And if you like teenage angst, then this is the fic for you. You can sit back and enjoy as Teresa moans and whines her head off about the sudden shocking and senseless twist in her life that’s brushed over and forgotten in seconds. And if you’re a fan of creepy women leering at other creepy women, then this is definitely the fic for you. Not only does it have more of the worst love interest ever, but we’ve got a whole new barely-described beauty to make you feel uncomfortable and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking. If this is what you want in a fanfic, then The Amazing Star-Spider is for you! And if this fic is for you – seek help, please.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 352 - Razor versus Warrior Nun Areala - Faith

Episode 352: Razor versus Warrior Nun Areala - Faith

Nineties comics were a bit silly, weren’t they?


Not to be confused with Areala versus Razor, this is an entirely different and yet still near identical book. Straight from the horrors of nineties bad girl comics, we have a tale of... well, not much really. There’s some demons, and there’s a pair of ludicrously dressed, impossibly proportioned women who fight them in festivals of blood-soaked cartoonish violence. Oh, and they also fight each other, which is basically a given, what with the ‘versus’ part of the title. Throw in the Generic Anime Villain’s guide to dating and you basically have a wrap. So get your Sword of Catholic Guilt, stab a demon through the eyeballs and kick over a gravestone for the generic crossover action of Razor versus Areala.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 351 - Gates of Oblivion

Episode 351: Gates of Oblivion

Asuka insisted they swing by to mock Hiditio, and frankly, who can blame them?

What would you get if you took all the Tom Dyron out of DELTA Invasion? The answer would be this fic, the final part of the Dyron Cycle. Having decided that DELTA no longer fit his “vision” for Evangelion, the author pulled it and replaced it with this reinterpretation that features ninety percent more literacy but otherwise is exactly the same. Okay, that’s not entirely true. True, it does have an odious new character (not the one you’re thinking of), an Invador Alert and a nonsensical fight scene. But it does lack a lot of the other classic Dyronesque elements such as dead Matts, Italian restaurant menus, dripping homoeroticism and any hint of entertainment. What does that leave us with? Read on and be surprised, dear reader as the last chapter of the Dyron legacy unfolds… and then crashes and burns on the first lap.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 350 - Bubblegum Wars

Episode 350: Bubblegum Wars

I think “escape” is too strong a word. “Casual stroll” would better describe their getaway.

Plucked from the depths of the mid-nineties comes Bubblegum Wars, a fic whose title alone deserves no further explanation. Which is good, by the way, because sure as hell it’s not going to offer you any at all. Instead it drops you straight into the action without thought to plot, story, character, premise or plausibility in the hope that you’ll be too busy gawping like an overly-excited twelve year old to realise just how bad it is. What it does offer is Rik, the amazing new guy who… is not as stupid as his captors… I guess? Really? He’s there, and he does something, I suppose, but he does seem to be a little strangely redundant to this already threadbare plot. Throw in good old BGC Fanfic Cliché #1 (You know the one) and a setup for a sequel that never materialised and you have the sequence of ASCII characters that is Bubblegum Wars. (Great Spirit of space be with you and all that)


Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 349 - The Unexpected Future, chapters 13-17

Episode 349: The Unexpected Future, chapters 13-17

Our epic conclusion in which the deadly assassin from the future is given a harsh talking to by a teenage girl.

After spending approximately six dozen chapters going nowhere at all, the Unexpected Future suddenly spasms back to life and lurches towards something that could be crudely be described as a conclusion. Yes, I know, I’m as surprised as you are. So what actually happens? Well, for starters, Deedee actually says the one thing she needed to say in order to get this whole mess started. And after one incredibly brief bit of character conflict we move into the actual finale. Wait, what? Yes, just as suddenly as the fic started it ends with something that more or less resembles a conclusion. But that’s not all! We still need to have a conclusion in order to congratulate Deedee some more on how she destroyed all of space and time in order to fulfil her personal parental fantasy. Isn’t that touching? Now she, the Biker Mice and Charley can get back to fighting Limburger like they always have.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 348 - The Unexpected Future, chapters 7-12

Episode 348: The Unexpected Future, chapters 7-12

Careful. That sort of thinking leads to infinite loops, books that come from nowhere and being your own grandfather

The Unexpected Future continues with its stubborn refusal to progress, instead continuing to spin its wheels in the mud. As DeeDee continues to undercut her own mission by moping, hanging around rooftops, crying for attention and being as deliberately unhelpful as possible, the plot takes a slightly interesting twist with the arrival of the dreaded assassin from the bad future, Andy. Yes, really, we’re going to go with that. Meanwhile, in the aforesaid grim, dark dystopian future the master plan to overthrow the evil overlord is undercut by a Critical Wiccan shortage (I think I own an album by Critical Wiccan Shortage) leading to exploding bats, and yes, that’s the most sensible summary of the fic I can manage. So go steal a time machine for the next chunk of unexciting lack of momentum that is the Unexpected Future.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 347 - The Unexpected Future, chapters 1-6

Episode 347: The Unexpected Future, chapters 1-6

Her plan hinged on their being very, very dumb. Fortunately, they were very obliging.

There is a new Ninja Turtle who comes from the future. She’s travelled back in time to stop April, who turns evil and takes over the world. Donnie’s her father, but he’s dead now. And before you cry about spoilers in the promo to me, bear in mind that the fic gives all this away in the author’s opening drawl. So what does that leave to actually put in the fic? Well, not very much, actually. Mostly it consists of DeeDee (the aforesaid future turtle) blurting out whatever spoiler comes to her mind while being deliberately obstructive and not doing anything to actually help accomplish her mission for six surprisingly repetitive chapters. So get yourself stuck into a narrative temporal loop, hangout with your deadbeat future dad and get out your vanishing photo for The Unexpected Future!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 346 - The Death Games, chapters 10-13

Episode 346: The Death Games, chapters 10-13

Yep, that was me. Something I did sure happened just then.

After approximately six years of meandering around and talking about how amazing Shadow is, the The Death Games finally begin! Now thrust into a deadly arena to fight for their lives, the contestants can meander around and talk about how amazing Shadow is. But it’s not all light romantic banter (with a side of survival drama and maybe just a hint of child murder), as Buzz the obviously evil guy proves to be obviously evil, and starts his campaign to mildly inconvenience the other competitors. It’s just him, a group of hapless innocents and an expertly trained superhero with all the gadgets and gizmos under the sun. So come one and all and place your bets for the The Death Games!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 345 - Machine Wars

Episode 345: Machine Wars

I’m okay. Also I have the essence of our living machine god in my chest.

After being unable to get onto the internet, an author writes a fanfic to post on the internet. Think about the logic of that statement for a minute, and then you’re about ready to be thrown headlong into the literary piranha tank that is Machine Wars. Assembled from reading lists of toys, this fic manages to lose coherence in the first sentence and never gets it back. And while it might lack things like plot, story, characterization, sentence structure and readability, it does give you what you all really want: long lists of character names that don’t mean anything at all. So join all your favourite characters like Smartmind, Cableye, Deathwatch, Laughing Blue Jet, Wangstmuffin, Calcule, Fuzzbox, Expositron, Black Crystal Pepsi Convoy and Franklin Delanor Roosevelt Minicon III, earl of ToejaAm as their collective rigid grill structure bears down on your unprotected cargo bay door.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 344 - Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 18-22

Episode 344: Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 18-22

She believes in the beliefs that she believes in.

When an evil space villain calls you up to challenge you to a battle for control of the world, you know that you can trust them and believe every word that they say. I mean, it’s not like a bad guy who has kidnapped people, brainwashed them, forced them to fight against their will and threatened world peace would do anything bad or dishonest, right? But even in the off-chance that something does go wrong, you can always blow yourself up and ditch any hint of responsibility and yet be assured that everything will work out well. Yes, that’s the lessons learned from the more or less conclusion to Gundam Wing Crisis, in which Mister Bear’s army of badness fights the good guys for stuff and reasons. I got nothing beyond that, sorry.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 343 - Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 11-17

Episode 343: Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 11-17

She wanted to be good of being better so that better good she could be at good better getting.

War looms, mass disappearances are causing panic, terrorists are delivering ultimatums, prominent politicians are being assassinated and evil villains are going out on incredibly awkward lunch dates. In response to this unprecedented crisis, the world’s most powerful peacekeeping force go to the circus to throw unsuspecting VIPs across the room and eat disgusting overpriced corn dogs. But this isn’t the only brilliant strategy employed by the Gundam Gang; it also extends to such amazing plans as “kill the bad guys” and “don’t die”. But yet, even in the face of this unconventional wisdom, the KioDawn Alliance (the only terrorist ideology based around a teddy bear) remains a threat. Why? We don’t know. But the fic insists they are anyway. It’s like that.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 342 - Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 6-10

Episode 342: Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 6-10

So far we know more about the teddy bear than we do about our arch-villain.

In the face of kindappings, brainwashings, massive terrorist organisations, random attacks and tacky overpriced jewelry the Gundam Pilots elect to respond to this growing crisis by sitting around and doing nothing. Despite this rather questionable plan of (in)action, they are still successful in thwarting the efforts of the Kiyoshi-DawnChan Alliance, an evil organization named for a child’s toy. However, when terror strikes, our heroes respond in a decisive manner by going to a karaoke bar, playing video games and meeting minor diplomatic functionaries. However, despite this, the evil terror group will not rest until they have achieved their goal of making one teenage girl sad. That’s right, it’s all about the ideology here in Gundam Wing Crisis, so grab a teddy bear and a generic tragic flashback and enjoy the ride!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Rebuild of Elmer Studios, year five

Five years. Wow.

When we restarted Elmer Studios, our plan was more or less “let’s redo Delta Invasion and go from there.” We had no idea how long it would last or where we would go. Initially, a lot of it was to simply see what fics (and other such materials) we could find. It wasn’t until well after that point that we began to form long-term plans and look at where we would be further down the road. Nowadays we try to plan in terms of long-term arcs and build between significant landmarks.

This last year has been a slow one, admittedly, with only twenty-one episodes and way too many one-episode months. A part of this was because the year was between two big points. On one side was the one hundred episode mark with another hit of Dyron, as well as the awkwardness that was Life’s Gunpla Battles Mk II. And on the other side are our plans for the future, which will be covered later. This meant that, for the most part, this was a quiet year in terms of major events or certain favourite authors. On the other hand, it did have a number of other highlights including a particularly interesting piece.

Episode 341 - Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 1-5

Episode 341: Gundam Wing Crisis, chapters 1-5

We interrupt your lack of progress to report that there's a lack of progress.

When you’re an evil organization bent on doing evil things, kidnapping a powerful and highly influential political figure would seem to be a good plan. However, when you then brainwash them into acting like a spazzy kid and use them in a way that doesn’t even begin to utilize their aforementioned skills, then maybe, just maybe you have a problem. However, the Kioshi DawnChan Alliance has plenty of other problems to deal with, not the least of which is how dumb its name sounds. But they are not going to let that, an angry boyfriend, a support group or overpriced tacky jewelry keep them from their poorly defined goals of doing bad stuff. So grab your Mobile Suit and get ready for some really intense Hide and Seek in the first portion of Gundam Wing Crisis. It’s got beefy bits!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 340 - The Amazing Star-Spider, chapters 32-39

Episode 340: The Amazing Star-Spider, chapters 32-39

It’s like this whole fic is a competition to see who’s the biggest creep.

Ah, young love. Young, abusive love. Yes, it’s time for of The Amazing Star Spider and her creepy manipulative stalker flirtatious feline femme fatale. But it’s also time for Teresa to meet her new instantly appearing girlfriend. Yes, it’s not enough for her every stepped to be dogged by an obsessive madwoman, but our Star-Spider also finds a new love, almost literally flying into her life at breakneck speed. And you won’t believe which mutant it is that shacks up with our heroine, largely because they bear no resemblance to the original character whatsover. Sure, there may be something about a gang war (isn’t there always), and Crime-Master is still shouting, oh and she might have mutilated somebody in cold blood. But what really matters is that our lead is getting laid in the worst way possible. So come on in and find new ways not to enjoy The Amazing Star-Spider!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 339 - Storm Force, parts 4-6

Episode 339: Storm Force, parts 4-6

Living your life one Great News For All Readers at a time

And now after years of anticipation (not really), the final part of the origin of Storm Force can be told! After spending an eternity farting around with robot arms, experimental microsurgery, expository walk and talks and trying to kill the rest of his team, brave pyromaniac designated protagonist John Storm is ready to lead his men into deadly danger against the dreaded half-man, half-spider Tarantula! Will Storm succeed? Will Porcupine follow through on the threat that is his sole character trait? Will Mikron do anything? Will Wolf hold up a TV? Will anyone actually remember that agent Winston, the supposed objective of this whole farce, actually exists? The answers to all these questions won’t even mildly surprise you, but here they are no less!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 338: Robotech - First Contact, chapters 7-11

Episode 338: Robotech: First Contact, chapters 7-11

The solemnity and stark terror of the situation is somewhat ruined when you remember that the captain is pantsless.

Having been told that his future depends on him playing by the rules, Tom immediately proceeds to steal a jet fighter and take it on a joy-ride before trying to kill his best friend for laughs. And because he just broke every rule in the book and nearly killed somebody with illegally modified military hardware, Tom is naturally congratulated for it by everybody around him. Meanwhile, a crew of dangerous incompetents struggle with unknowable aliens that have ravaged entire worlds by laughing at the captain’s mistakes, engaging in cheap pratfalls and reminiscing about university lectures. What do these two storylines have to do with each other, you might ask. Well, that’s a really good question, as we have no clue either. What we do know is that there’s a lot of talking about jet planes in oddly sexual terms and how Tom likes to ‘jack in’ to things. Take that how you will.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Art Fail - Barticus

Behold Barticus and his gigantic laser cannon boobs! Possessing an arsenal capable of leveling cities and yet only ever hits things with a tree! Completely indestructible only to be felled with a single rocket!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm intimidated.

Episode 337 - Robotech: First Contact, chapters 1-6

Episode 337: Robotech: First Contact, chapters 1-6

Well, you just lost an argument with a minimum wage security guard who's job perks include a donut allowance. I can see that your case is going to go well.

Meet Tom*, your average everyday teenage ace pilot rebel without a cause or clue. Having been suspended for three years from flight school for being a self-destructive idiot he returns to duty in order to do the exact same thing. But that's okay, because the universe will continue to bend over backwards to reward him for every single thing he does. So much so that everyone even congratulates him in the incredibly creepy relationship he has with his motorcycle even while he's verbally abusing his older brother for having a stable and important job. So sit back with a mug of superheated coffee and your fake internet girlfriend for the first gripping part of Robotech: First Contact (Also there’s some stuff about unknowable alien entities blowing up a spaceship but it's really not that important.)

*Not the one you're thinking of.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 336 - Daughter of the Saints, chapters 13-14

Episode 336: Daughter of the Saints, chapters 13-14

Even Gaia's tragic backstory has a tragic backstory.

In this final chunk of Daughter of the Saints, the fic doesn’t so much end or even stop as it just gives up the will to live and crawls out onto the road and lies down to die. However, before that sweet merciful release is granted unto it, we still have more to go. So sit on down for more of that boundless joy and cheer that you have come to expect from it; more wangst, more flashbacks, more wangst and flashback filled dream sequences and even more discussions on the Wolf Ranching industry. That’s right, it’s all fun and games here as we cry over dead cancer mom, fret over if super sparkly magical cancer is hereditary, take comfort in the presence of Mike the Human and spin our wheels in the mud to get nowhere fast.

Oleg is in the next chapter, really.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.