Episode 506: Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers, chapters 9-12

Episode 506: Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers, chapters 9-12

And if you can't trust an incomprehensible alien superintelligence, then who?

Meet Patterson. He's a one-man transhumanist clone conspiracy that has infiltrated the Martian military at every single level as a part of a plan to de-terraform Earth in order to ensure the superiority of his own personal agenda. And of you're wondering what this has to do with anything else, then you’re not alone as the entire story just takes a hard left turn off a cliff, throwing away everything we've seen so far for an ending that is so out of nowhere that it’s impossible to connect to the rest of the fic.* So it's time to say a fond farewell to Stomach, Observer 6543321, Thomas Wisette and Cindy the Wolf Sniper for the last chunk of Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers. It's an ending so good that you'll feel mad for all the time you spent reading it.

*Not a fanfic.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 505 - Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers, chapters 5-8

Episode 505: Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers, chapters 5-8

She's a special operations space murder cyborg nepo-baby from Mars. Normal is a relative term.

As Gate probes the mysteries of an unknowable alien superintelligence, we are left with a single burning question: who is Thomas Wisette and why do we care enough about him to have an entire chapter dedicated to his backstory? Are we really that invested in his observations of Jupiter, the research he does online or his thesis paper that we had to learn all about it in pointless detail? And most importantly, why are we wasting time on this when Eagle, Simmons and Necessary have basically done nothing to justify their existence? Doesn’t matter, he’s dead now anyway. So get your presidential advisory AI and your whimsical child’s painting of an alien fortress for the next four chapters of Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers. And how do you drop a submarine from space anyway?

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 504 - Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers, chapters 1-4

Episode 504: Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers, chapters 1-4

I have made peace with the bandits by killing all the bandits.

Thirty years after enigmatic aliens conquered the Earth a super cool team (consisting of space murder cyborg, snap-frozen terrorist, that guy, that other guy and a psychic schoolgirl because its anime and you have to have one) are sent to discover who these mysterious space crabs are and what they actually want while also selling new toys. Naturally it all goes bad, but fortunately our hero Gate is here to make sure that everything gets so much worse before its done. So grab your beloved ride armour and your hologram uncle for the first four chapters of Genesis Climber MOSPEADA: Genesis Breakers. Strict one chimney limit, bring your own wolf.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Art Fail: Nineties comics were a bit silly, weren’t they?

 From Razor versus Warrior Nun Areala - Faith

Warning: cartoony graphic violence

Episode 437 - Storm Force: K-Squad

Episode 437: Storm Force: K-Squad

Porcupine has to share a locker room with Magnus. After that, there’s nothing you can do or say to frighten him

They’ve fought mutant spider goons, a man wearing a suit that was permanently on fire, a Zombie with a nuclear arsenal and a robot wizard. After all that, half a dozen guys with guns seems somewhat irrelevant as opponents and a somewhat anticlimactic conclusion. But here we are at the end of Battle as Storm Force fight for survival against declining sales and editorial mandates. And with nothing to lose, our brave band of designated heroes prepare for the fight of their lives to see if they will make the jump to Eagle or end up forgotten in the bottom of a filing cabinet somewhere. So grab your machine gun, your pit full of landmines and the stick of dynamite you always keep on you for emergencies for Storm Force. This is a big news issue!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 427 - Storm Force: Operation Mole Machine, parts 5-9

Episode 427: Storm Force: Operation Mole Machine, parts 5-9

To reiterate the point, a man on a hang-glider is shooting spiders at people. Yes, this is entirely serious

As Magnus remains in a state of total brain malfunction due to a spider bite and female operative Stiletto is once again effortlessly kidnapped, heroic combat leader John Storm (and maybe those other three guys) race against time to stop half-man, half-spider terrorist leader from drilling into their secret underground lair. And yes, this entirely serious, why do you ask? But first they must overcome the dreaded jet-powered remote-controlled spider bomb and face the might of Pinky-Puff, the terror of Harrow Lane. Will they succeed? Probably. Will the status quo be reset as if nothing happened? Of course. It’s Storm Force, so what did you expect? So get your tea and biscuits and pick your best weapon arm for Operation Mole Machine. Also featuring a non-machine mole!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 419 - Storm Force: Operation Mole Machine, parts 1-4

 Episode 419: Storm Force: Operation Mole Machine, parts 1-4

Due to a Mole Machine incident at Leicester Square station, delays are expected on the Piccadilly Circus line.

Did you know that Spider Bites cause mental breakdowns? Or that Harrow Lane has a new sports centre? Or that after losing his arm in combat, John Storm was fitted with a prosthesis that can support a variety of weapons? All of which means it’s time for another thrilling chunk of Storm Force, featuring our favourite bunch of substitute heroes as they fight to save their dying comic from cancellation. And in this exciting sequence of panels, Storm Force’s mole machine has been stolen by one of their team for reasons unknown. Can they find out why? Can they stop the machine’s deadly rampage? Will Storm resist the urge to fire into crowds of civilians? Will Stiletto be effortlessly captured? The answer to one of these will surprise you, but only one. So get oiled up and lift some weights for Operation Mole Machine!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 386: Storm Force - The man who stole Polaris, parts 5-9

Episode 386: Storm Force: The man who stole Polaris, parts 5-9

Listen to the one-armed man with the sword telling you to shoot the zombie’s computer. He’s talking sense.

When you think about it, zombie hitman Alexander Kruise is just living the dream of every American. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to blow up the president with a nuclear bomb delivered in a shark-shaped, laser armed battle car? (Don’t answer that). And so, once again, it falls to our designated protagonists in Storm Force to save the day from his poorly defined evil plan to do something bad for some reason that really escapes us. So once again grab your razor disc, your exo-skeleton and your rocket propelled sheep scarers and be prepared to be shocked as Mikron actually does something in this gripping tale torn from the pages of Battle the inevitable grip of entropy!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 370 - Storm Force: Man of Fire

Episode 370: Storm Force: Man of Fire

Suddenly, a massive asteroid strikes the Earth. The impact shatters continents, vaporises oceans and ignites the atmosphere, leading to the extinction of all multicellular life. Bruno Demonski immediately crawls out of the rubble unscathed and shouts “You cannot stop the man of fire!”

When your life’s work proves to be a failure, it’s hard not to be despondent. Some people try to see what went wrong and find some way to fix their mistakes and move forwards. Others instead opt to quite literally set the entire world on fire in a festival of cartoon supervillainy. And since this is Storm Force, I think you can guess what brilliant inventor Bruno Demonski chooses to do. That’s right, it’s another all action, all fire, all explosions (but no Jenga) tale of our favourite group of substitute action heroes as they fight for whatever the hell it is they fight for in an effort to prop up a dying comic book. So grab your best fire suit, your flamethrower arm and your one-man attack helicopter and make the most minimal effort possible for Man of Fire.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 363: Storm Force - The Wizard's Challenge, parts 4-7

Episode 363: Storm Force: The Wizard's Challenge, parts 4-7

Your mastery over cosmic powers before mortal comprehension is no match for his mundane rock!

Given the choice between introducing new and unexpected elements into the world and falling back on the well-established clichés and lazy writing it prefers, Storm Force unerringly opts for the latter in this, the second half of The Wizard’s Challenge. Having spent about a three hundred pages picking off the members of the titular team of murderous psychos one at a time through his amazing magical powers, Mortak is revealed to be a robot who was doing it all with smoke and mirrors all along. Yes, it’s an amazing plot twist comparable to that of an average episode of Scooby Doo, only with slightly more killer robots (Slightly). Throw in a jarringly out of place ending that completely ignores that devastating disasters that set up the story in the first place and it’s a wrap! Merry Christmas!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 359 - Storm Force: The Wizard's Challenge, parts 1-3

Episode 359: Storm Force: The Wizard's Challenge, parts 1-3

At this point, I suspect that the writing process had devolved into ‘they try to kill Mortak for six pages. Let’s knock off and go to the pub while we still have jobs.’

Terrible disasters strike across the globe, threatening major cities! Who or what could be behind these calamities? Why yes, a wizard did it, and yes, I am being entirely serious about this as well. In response to this supernatural threat, Storm Force deals with the situation by doing what they do best, and by that I mean blundering around a death-trap laden castle while being picked off one at a time, preferably after announcing their signature weapon for the benefit of readers who might have forgotten who they are since last week. Can brave and always correct combat leader John Storm overcome Mortak of the Nagam, with his twin powers of lighting and announcing that he is Mortak of the Nagam? Or will the comic fold first? Read on and find out, if you dare!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 339 - Storm Force, parts 4-6

Episode 339: Storm Force, parts 4-6

Living your life one Great News For All Readers at a time

And now after years of anticipation (not really), the final part of the origin of Storm Force can be told! After spending an eternity farting around with robot arms, experimental microsurgery, expository walk and talks and trying to kill the rest of his team, brave pyromaniac designated protagonist John Storm is ready to lead his men into deadly danger against the dreaded half-man, half-spider Tarantula! Will Storm succeed? Will Porcupine follow through on the threat that is his sole character trait? Will Mikron do anything? Will Wolf hold up a TV? Will anyone actually remember that agent Winston, the supposed objective of this whole farce, actually exists? The answers to all these questions won’t even mildly surprise you, but here they are no less!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Art Fail - Barticus

Behold Barticus and his gigantic laser cannon boobs! Possessing an arsenal capable of leveling cities and yet only ever hits things with a tree! Completely indestructible only to be felled with a single rocket!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm intimidated.

Art Fail - Storm Force

This Art Fail is a little different from the others. There's nothing wrong with the art in Storm Force; in fact, I quite like Vanyo's style. It;s certainly a lot better then the other Art Fails I've showcased. However, that doesn't change the fact that the content of the art is, well, just kind of goofy.

Case in point, let's meet our titular team of designated protagonists...

Storm Force! Fighting the war on mutant spider goons!

Episode 333 - Storm Force: Robot Raider, parts 5-8

Episode 333: Storm Force: Robot Raider, parts 5-8

When you're designing themed evil robots, you need to go all the way. There's no sense in just leaving it half done. Besides, a Samurai Robot speaking perfect English would be just silly

When you are facing an army of high-tech killer robots, there are certain skills that you want on your team. For example, for obvious reasons, you would need a computer hacker. That means you have someone who can hysterically scream and be useless while the real men blow robots up with their robot arms, samurai swords or knife suits. And when slightly misunderstood genius Paul Sondheim unveils his army of the twelve deadliest robots ever built (Insert Astroboy joke here), you’ll need all the crying and whimpering you can get to fight off this army of deadly mechanized cosplayers. Throw in a doomsday weapon that obligingly runs amok the instant it is introduced and an exploding bandstand and you have the next scintillating part of the Storm Force saga!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 327 - Storm Force: Robot Raider, parts 1-4

Episode 327: Storm Force: Robot Raider, parts 1-4

A giant metal man is fighting a robot gorilla. We might as well all go home now, because it's not going to get any better than this.

Straight from the pages of Battle with Storm Force (And Action, Boy’s World, Champion, Fantastic, Lion, Pow!, Smash!, Terrific, Thunder, TV21, Valiant, Vulcan and Wham!) comes another tale of manly men (and token girl) punching things to make a better world or something! A reclusive renegade genius unleashes robot bank robbers, cyborg gorillas, giant mechanical ants and quadcopters with GoPros to plague mankind, and only our heroes, Detachable Arm, Spikey McGrumblebum, the greatest ninja in Yorkshire, Full Metal Codpiece, Weiner Man and the one with the girl bits can stop them! That is, if their own staggering ineptitude doesn’t do them in first. So grab your samurai sword, your flamethrower arm and your exo-skeleton and go make mechanoids explode! It’s about war stories that are realistic and gritty, after all.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 326 - Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 24-30

Episode 326: Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 24-30

Yeah, it's so much hard work saving the galaxy. Again, suck it up space princess.

Trinity: Forgotten Flame gallops towards the sweet merciful release of death in this final installment! Having discovered the location of the lost planet of Zalcoria, our alleged... Wait what? What do you mean the lost planet of where? It's that key thing that's vital to the threadbare plot of this lame excuse for a novel. What do you mean it hasn't once been mentioned so far? Well crap. Look, there's a lost planet, there's evil precursor aliens, there's a threat to the whole galaxy, you get it, right? You're saying that none of this has been made even remotely clear so far? Huh... Well... I guess we can shove in some massive pace-stumping exposition in the penultimate chapter and just vomit text at the reader or something. I dunno. Anyway, it's the end, so be thankful for that much. Well, until the second book, that is.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 325 - Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 18-23

Episode 325: Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 18-23

God-damned Transhumanists ruin everything.

If there is one thing that you could say about Trinity: Forgotten Flame, it's that it has an amazing ability to raise potentially interesting plot points and then immediately flush them away. This latest semi-digested lump is a great example of that as issues of self versus identity, free will, past actions and their consequences and the effects of one's decisions on others are immediately thrown aside in favor of more badly written smarm. So join us as Lauren gets heaped with massive amounts of emotional trauma, Bek fades into obscurity, the other kid (you know, what’s his name) performs experimental brain surgery on himself and Kirsten is absolved of being a mass-murderer because she's good in the sack in the next portion of this crime against text. All this plus cake! We don’t know why, just cake.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 323 - Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 8-17

Episode 323: Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 8-17

At nights back in the orphanage, she would lie awake, imagining the wonders of the wider universe and what amazing sights waited for her out there. And now it's come down to a Suicide Girl reject fighting a furry, she just wants to go home and cry.

Imagine you're the Prophet. Imagine you're the villain. Imagine you have a perfect opportunity to get the McGuffin drive. Imagine you threw it away without a thought. Imagine your henchmen are the Doge. Imagine they're the doggiest dog aliens that ever dogged a dog. Imagine you're up against Kirsten. Imagine you're giving her a run for being the stupidest person in the universe. Imagine you’ve just been outsmarted by someone who thinks that naked wrestling is a sensible plan. Imagine that this is the same woman who after being nearly stabbed to death for going off alone then proceeds to keep on going off alone. Imagine that your entire plan is about to be undone by the world’s least interesting pirate visiting a museum. Now you don't have to. Trinity.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 322 - Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 1-7

Episode 322: Trinity: Forgotten Flame, chapters 1-7

This Sexy dialogue isn't sexy. It's unSexy. It's noSexy. It's the inverse of sexy. It's sexy divided by zero.

Elmer Studios is proud to present something entirely new: an original*, professionally* written* and published* sci-fi novel*. Trinity: Forgotten Flame chronicles the adventures of brave and so very stupid space captain Kirsten Fairchild as she tries to support a nonsense business model, wreck her own ship and find new things to have sex with. Aided by her crew of totally-not-evil killer AIs and super ethical space pirate Bek Storm, she must fight armies of killer cyborgs who won’t stop until they get the Generic McGuffin that she possesses. Throw in some orphan twins (age eighteen and fifteen), a disembodied brain comedy club, dialogue by the Porn Writing Robot and heavy-handed attempts at self-justification and you have the first quarter of Trinity: Forgotten Flame. It’s something that might resemble a book if you had suffered massive head trauma.

*For very generous definitions thereof

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.