Episode 499 - Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1

Episode 499: Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1

We live on God’s face.

It’s a triple date with hate here as we feature a three-way* crossover. Having managed to miss the most important events in the world for the last decade, the Autobots send their agents to a tiny island in the South Pacific, only to find that it is home to a giant alien spaceship that they were somehow completely unaware of. And when said island is attacked by bad guys for no real reason, it’s up to the Autobots to save the day while the humans stand around and exposit. So grab your motorcycle helmet (hologram or real) and be amazed by the existence of walls for Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1. Featuring all your favourite characters such as Random Destroid Pilot and Nameless Power Armour Guy.

*For very generous values of the number three.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 487 - Dire Straights, chapters 25-28

Episode 487: Dire Straights, chapters 25-28

The stress of the situation is getting to him, but the knowledge that there are utility poles helps to bring him a measure of calm

Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

After twenty-four chapters of jerk turkey, parades, uniform regulations and plasma televisions, the plot of Dire Straights finally arrives. And, well, it’s as stupid as you would expect from this fic so far as not only does it rely on Our Protagonist, but it also relies on everyone around him being incredibly dumb and knowingly and willingly going along with it. And so as we talk about witness protection, have something that could pass for a showdown with something that could pass for the villain and delight in more pointless cameos, we bid a fond farewell to Dire Straights’ most beloved character, Lupon’s racist father-in-law. Oh, and there’s also another alien invasion or something. Honestly, I'm not sure if I care any more because the narration definitely doesn't.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 486 - Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

Episode 486: Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

‘I hope I don’t regret being sent into a potentially life-threatening situation with no awareness or control of myself’ is not the inspiring yearbook quote he thinks it is.

Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

In this next inanimate lump of fanfic, the global economy collapses and nobody seems to really notice. Well our protagonist does, because he now needs to look for a new job and his skillset (Identifying different types of uniform) is not fantastically marketable or transferrable. Fortunately, there's an alien clone conspiracy looking for a brainwashed stooge and he's the perfect man for the job. After all, who would notice? So it's time for you to bounce a cheque, get a money order and forego your Christmas bonus for the penultimate segment of Dire Straights. Yes, there is a story this time and yes, it’s as stupid as you expect.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 485 - Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Episode 485: Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Cancer is like having giant war robots running around inside your body

The space robot war reaches its apocalyptic conclusion, and in its aftermath our hero reacts to the devastation in the same way he reacts to everything, which is to say that he fills in forms, obsessively describes what uniform everyone is wearing and continues to resent every woman that he ever talked to. None the less, he still takes the time out from his pressing duties to fall in a hole, float helplessly in space and lose a fight to a bunch of flowers. Yes, this actually happens and no, I have no idea why we're meant to care. So its time to fill up on napalm and be inexplicably buried in Oklahoma for the next chunk of Dire Straights. It has something that passes for emotional weight if you squint.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 484 - Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

Episode 484: Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

And so he stared at the drinks menu, long into the night and through the next day. Some say if you come to Moon Base ALUCE, you may find him to this day, staring at the menu still.

In this next semi-digested lump of Dire Straights, we are introduced to the fic's best realised character so far. That's right, it's Lupon's racist father-in-law, Johnny. What does he have to do with the rest of the story? Well absolutely nothing, and yet we get a huge block of text dedicated to his backstory and how much he hates his son in law. Also there may or may not be something about going into space, but at this point, who cares? I know that I don’t. So get your mysteries of the infinite beyond and your teletext remote for the next serving of Dire Straights. The cornbread tastes like corn!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 483 - Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Episode 483: Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Well, there we go folks. We have hit peak Dire Straights. Apple juice from a paper cup. Everything from there is downhill.

In this next scintillating four chapters of Dire Straights, our protagonist and Private LaBelle discuss office stationery supplies. Now while you're reeling from that shocking development, it's also not the only amazing thing that happens, as he also goes on a joyless date, eats breakfast, cooks a turkey, brings down the mood in the room and gets stuck in traffic going to the airport! Yes, it's a thrill a minute and you won't want to miss a single excruciating moment. So preheat the oven, set the timer and get your side salad for the next generous serving of Dire Straights. It’s the only job you can get in Jamaica!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 482 - Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

Episode 482: Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

But only if they're from the Bioroid region of France. Otherwise they're just sparkling alien invaders

In this next riveting portion of Dire Straights our protagonist flies halfway across the world, has a food court pizza and flies back. Not only that, but much of the rest of its runtime is spent on reminding us that far more interesting people exist and that we could be reading about them instead. But in the meantime we get to go on an awkward date, attend a joyless Christmas party and maybe, just maybe, fight in the space robot war. So get your medal of honour and arbitrary promotions for the next four semi-digested lumps of Dire Straights. And so we did.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 481 - Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

Episode 481: Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

He'd tried to lick the night vision in the hope that it was lime flavoured

Dire Straights is the story of a guy. He fills in forms, sits in waiting rooms, has dinner, explains uniform regulations, describes televisions and, uh, well, I feel like there was something else I was forgetting. Oh yeah, that's right, aliens attack. That's it. So who is this man and why do we care about him? Well to be honest, the fic doesn't even bother giving us the slightest clue or reason, so take that how you will. But in the meantime, grab your MARPAT and your Panasonic plasma television for the first four lumps of Dire Straights. You get your fanfic for nothing and your riffs for free.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 445 - Robotech the New Age

Episode 445: Robotech the New Age

Take a timeout from the space war

Meet Coates, Ruby, Dan and Sparky. Who are they? No clue. Why do we care about them? Your guess is as good as mine. So why is this fic all about them? That is indeed a mystery that will never be resolved at all. What we can tell you is that they’re a bunch of pilots on board a spaceship who spend their time firing heatseekers at Pods, getting drunk, engaging in unfunny comedy antics, firing heatseekers at Pods, going on dates, talking to their pet pug and firing heatseekers at Pods. So get your hazmat suit, your maxed out credit card and your outdated unfunny stereotypes for Robotech the New Age. Approved by a tactical genius!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 374 - GBF Old Wars Waged Anew, chapters 6-13

Episode 374: GBF Old Wars Waged Anew, chapters 6-13

Not now, mom. My arch-nemesis is watching.

There are a number of ways you could build a team for a contest. Getting all the potential candidates to beat each other up and then decide that the last four people standing are it is probably not the best of them, but it’s what this fic has decided to go for (and hey, it worked for Storm Force). So after a dozen or so chapters of dancing robots, Allen failing at everything he does, nameless Loto pilot and the Sonic the Hedgehog Gundam being even dumber then you expected, we’re left with the team of Unlikeable Designated Protagonist, Ineffectual Brother, YouTube Celebrity and That Other Guy. And then, having spent forever setting itself up, Old Wars Waged Anew suddenly stops without even having any old wars, let alone waging them anew. What does this mean? Not a lot, really.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 373 - GBF Old Wars Waged Anew, chapters 1-5

Episode 373: GBF Old Wars Waged Anew, chapters 1-5

Get in, loser. We’re going Gundam Fighting.

When you have a completely unlikeable lead character who exists only to squeeze any hint of joy out of his chosen hobby while running roughshod over anyone around him, it can only mean one thing. That’s right, it’s time for another Build Fighters fanfic. But this time we’re taking a break from the usual lists of what parts everybody’s Gundam is made out of and how much Trans-Am they can do to bring in something new; that’s right it’s a crossover in the one case where you wonder if it would actually be a crossover to begin with. It’s something to ponder as you fight all the Gundam fans in Canada (all three of them), get your creepy DeviantArt OC (Do not steal) and your favourite obscure Cold War jet fighter while being abandoned at the airport for Old Wars Waged Anew.

PS: Please send characters

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 365 - The Phantom Bioroid

Episode 365: The Phantom Bioroid

Every time you shoot a hadoken, an angel gets its wings.

How do I summarise The Phantom Bioroid, a fic that might just be the most incomprehensible one I have ever taken on? I mean, I could say ‘mysterious space robot shows up and blows stuff up’, but that wouldn’t begin to scratch the surface of the incoherence that this fic presents. Told from the point of view of an enigmatic alien warrior (except when it isn’t), this tale bounces from scene to scene with no real indication of where it’s going or how it got there, stopping only to contrive new super powers and randomly blow things up. And then in the end it comes down to some random guy who we’ve never heard of (and likely don’t care about) who is somehow important no less. So sit back with a lot of alcohol and loaded firearms for The Phantom Bioroid. It’s technically complete!

Technically.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 338: Robotech - First Contact, chapters 7-11

Episode 338: Robotech: First Contact, chapters 7-11

The solemnity and stark terror of the situation is somewhat ruined when you remember that the captain is pantsless.

Having been told that his future depends on him playing by the rules, Tom immediately proceeds to steal a jet fighter and take it on a joy-ride before trying to kill his best friend for laughs. And because he just broke every rule in the book and nearly killed somebody with illegally modified military hardware, Tom is naturally congratulated for it by everybody around him. Meanwhile, a crew of dangerous incompetents struggle with unknowable aliens that have ravaged entire worlds by laughing at the captain’s mistakes, engaging in cheap pratfalls and reminiscing about university lectures. What do these two storylines have to do with each other, you might ask. Well, that’s a really good question, as we have no clue either. What we do know is that there’s a lot of talking about jet planes in oddly sexual terms and how Tom likes to ‘jack in’ to things. Take that how you will.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 337 - Robotech: First Contact, chapters 1-6

Episode 337: Robotech: First Contact, chapters 1-6

Well, you just lost an argument with a minimum wage security guard who's job perks include a donut allowance. I can see that your case is going to go well.

Meet Tom*, your average everyday teenage ace pilot rebel without a cause or clue. Having been suspended for three years from flight school for being a self-destructive idiot he returns to duty in order to do the exact same thing. But that's okay, because the universe will continue to bend over backwards to reward him for every single thing he does. So much so that everyone even congratulates him in the incredibly creepy relationship he has with his motorcycle even while he's verbally abusing his older brother for having a stable and important job. So sit back with a mug of superheated coffee and your fake internet girlfriend for the first gripping part of Robotech: First Contact (Also there’s some stuff about unknowable alien entities blowing up a spaceship but it's really not that important.)

*Not the one you're thinking of.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 319 - Son of Zor

Episode 319: Son of Zor

Hey guys, I've just transcended beyond the physical plane of existence. But it's all right, because it's perfectly normal and happens all the time.

Meet Mike. Sure, he might  just seem like your average clone space baby found in a stasis pod and then palmed off to the first people that came along (and trust us, it happens all the time), but Mike has a secret. He has the amazing ability to get freaky with giant robots in a way that everybody is perfectly okay with as if it was the most natural thing in the world. In fact, they’re so okay with this that he gets to take part in an absurdist wargame based around capturing flags and causing other people’s giant robots to turn different colours! That’s right, it may be a man’s life in this modern Generic Anime Army, but it’s the Cosmic Space Aliens who are the real heroes.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Art Fail - Headband people fight headband people

It's tempting to call all of Robotech: The Sentinels Rubicon one gigantic art fail. It's... a mess, with awkward characters that don't look anything like their original animated designs, skewed perspectives, weird-looking mecha and ships, cluttered backgrounds full of techno-junk and all manner of other things. Added to that is the heavy-handed and ugly inking and then the awkwardly executed tones in part one, and you have one gigantic mess.

Oh, and the terrible dialogue doesn't help any either.

Episode 310 - Robotech the Sentinels Rubicon #2

Episode 310: Robotech the Sentinels Rubicon #2

Yeah, I know that most people prefer Generic Space Bikini Girl With Face Junk #1, but I'm more of a Generic Space Bikini Girl With Face Junk #2 man myself.

As Robotech: The Sentinels Rubicon continues to be determined to avoid its main plot at all costs, it has to find all sorts of ways to fill up space instead. So while there’s some cosmic event out there doing cosmic stuff we get to instead hear about ship launches, diplomatic luncheons, why translating from one language to another is hard, Carnegie Hall, alien date-rape drugs (thanks comic, thanks so much) and why JC is the greatest human being to have ever lived and why we should all be thankful for something he did offscreen at some point maybe. And to help pad it out not only do we have a swarm of identical people with long hair and headbands, a cheap Final Fantasy VII joke and almost a Sentinels character, but we also suddenly shift to rough pencils in the process! That’s right, it’s a comic that’s inept at every level and you’ll struggle to decide which one’s the worst!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 306 - Robotech the Sentinels Rubicon #1

Episode 306: Robotech the Sentinels Rubicon #1

So far, the message of this comic seems to be 'Bright light that goes EEEEEEE.'

If you like high-concept Sci-Fi about man’s conformation with the unknown and incomprehensible, then you’re definitely reading the wrong book. But if you want to be bludgeoned by an incoherent mess about stuff being exploded by a white light in space that goes “EEEEE” then your dream has come true. Robotech: The Sentinels Rubicon may share it’s title with an already existing novel, but it’s content has no connection to any prior published material and, mercifully, none that would follow either. Instead what it does have is the world’s most confusing poker game, space strippers, miscellaneous aliens, spaceships (which explode), giant robots (which also explode), somebody called Featherhead, somebody called JC and/or Lancer and some very awkward dialogue. It’s the mass of process wood pulp that the fans demanded!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 259: Robotech Resurrection, chapters 2-3

Episode 259: Robotech: Resurrection, chapters 2-3

Admiral Exposition here came back from the dead just to tell you all this. I hope you’re happy.

How the hell do I summarise a fic like this one? I think that is the only good way to do it, because sure as heck after the next two chapters of Robotech: Resurrection, you won’t be able to manage much more then primitive grunting noises either. The best I can offer is that yes, it does manage to take a break from telling us about things that we already know and yes, there is indeed a resurrection in it, but that’s about all I can say without my brain imploding from thinking about it anymore. And so, instead you’ll be left to wonder about such things as why Lisa glows in the dark, why Shade’s metal band are the only people qualified to save the planet, why everyone keeps talking about that one scene from episode three endlessly and what the hell exactly was it you just read.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 258 - Robotech: Resurrection, chapter 1

Episode 258: Robotech: Resurrection, chapter 1

Tolkien had his poetic references to bygone ages and elaborate world-building. Homer had his
elaborate similes that made his work so hard to translate. Hunter S. Thompson had his rambling, stream-of consciousness style of writing. And Heavymetalhooligan gives us the shouted All Caps.

From the author of Legion of the Black X-1 comes Robotech: Resurrection! And with a title like that, you know what it’s going to be all about. That’s right, block recaps of things that we all already knew. Seriously, if you were expecting something else (like, say, a resurrection) you may be a bit disappointed. But if you were expecting some new character to show up, talk smack to everyone and be rewarded for it because his name is just that goofy he’s awesome, then you’re in for a treat. So as Shade Night (no really) and Trix Kane (seriously) stand around talking about other peoples’ personal lives and some random guy tries to force the plot along and gives up trying, we all get to enjoy the awesome reiteration action that is Robotech: Resurrection.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.