Episode 503 - Bubblegum Force, chapters 6-7

Episode 503: Bubblegum Force, chapters 6-7

The dystopian cyberpunk artisan cheese shop district

After an interminable eternity of faffing around punctuated with awkward silences and school meetings, the plot of Bubblegum Force finally starts in its final section. Evil Genom executive Patrick J. Starfish launches his evil plan to do something evil only to immediately be undercut by everyone around him and then be killed off anyway without accomplishing anything before the fic begrudgingly gives us the robot fight we've been hanging out for. So get your discrete laser-armed space shuttle and your most subtle giant war robot for the final portion of Bubblegum Force, which features a genuinely unexpected twist in as far as Largo doesn't return.

Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 502 - Bubblegum Force, chapters 4-5

Episode 502: Bubblegum Force, chapters 4-5

Oh yeah. Those moon guys are the worst

Dear lavender haired girl. All I was trying to do was inexplicably menace a small child when you walked into my life. You looked so small and dainty in your dress that it was hard for me not to laugh at you despite the fact that I am merely a murderous robot. And yet, I felt so angry at your interruption that I wanted to destroy you there on the spot, my mission utterly forgotten. I took a swing at you, but you caught my hand in yours, without any effort. You looked at me with your curious amber eyes and that mysterious smile as you then effortlessly crushed my hand in yours. But in truth, you crushed the mechanical fuel pump that passes for my heart.

Bubblegum Force, won’t you?

Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 501 - Bubblegum Force, chapters 2-3

Episode 501: Bubblegum Force, chapters 2-3

I feel safe in your arms, killer robot

In order to maintain a low profile, Lufy joins the ADP as a combat pilot with an obviously fake resume that wouldn't hold up under scrutiny. Naturally everyone accepts this without question, especially after she goes out on an unauthorised mission that results in multiple deaths and more chunks of the city blowing up. Her plan of course was to add even more Gall Force characters to the fic (Shildy, Catty II, whats-her-name and the other one) which won't clutter up this narrative in the slightest. So, light a cigarette as you drive a tanker full of highly explosive fuel through a densely populated residential areas for the second part of Bubblegum Force. And ignore the way that Catty and Sylia are glowering at each other. Nothing going on there at all, no sir.

Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 500 - Bubblegum Force, chapter 1

Episode 500: Bubblegum Force, chapter 1

Sometimes crashing into the moon actually is the better option.

After spending two million years sleeping off being exploded, Rabby wakes up to find that she's in an alien world completely disconnected from her own. Fortunately, Lufy is also there having just gotten over dying yet again, so the two of them do the only logical thing possible and steal a motorcycle. They happen to run into totally legitimate businesswoman Sylia Stingray who is willing to give them shelter, support and a fully equipped workshop with an industrial steel press, no questions asked. So if you have questions about the nature of life, death, reincarnation and if Genom's cryogenics research will get funding then cast them all aside for the first chapter of Bubblegum Force. Patty's on her own.

Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 499 - Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1

Episode 499: Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1

We live on God’s face.

It’s a triple date with hate here as we feature a three-way* crossover. Having managed to miss the most important events in the world for the last decade, the Autobots send their agents to a tiny island in the South Pacific, only to find that it is home to a giant alien spaceship that they were somehow completely unaware of. And when said island is attacked by bad guys for no real reason, it’s up to the Autobots to save the day while the humans stand around and exposit. So grab your motorcycle helmet (hologram or real) and be amazed by the existence of walls for Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1. Featuring all your favourite characters such as Random Destroid Pilot and Nameless Power Armour Guy.

*For very generous values of the number three.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 492 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 15-16

Episode 492: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 15-16

Nah, my internship only covers me for one felony..

In this final part of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we engage in a vital plot point. Which is to say that a side character gets into a fight with some gang or something that has literally nothing to do with anything at all, but we still waste twenty pages on it anyway. So join all your favourite Harry Potter and Ninja Turtles characters, like Blaise Zabani, Mondo Gecko, Alicia Spinnet, Ray Fillet, Zacharias Smith, Walkabout, Penelope Clearwater, Jagwar, Charity Burbage, Sandstorm, Gideon Prewitt and Fred Hamster for the last chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Also Cornelius Fudge was an alien warlord all along. Who knew?

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 491 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 12-14

Episode 491: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 12-14

Padma Patil, the well-known daredevil unicycle ninja.

In this next chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Stephen Cornfoot does some skateboard stunts, fights ninjas, goes on a Japanese game show, engages in heavy-handed narration and is generally rewarded for just existing. Yeah, move aside libertarian ninja Harry Potter, this fic's all about Stephen now, and we're clearly better off for it. There’s also something about a Philosophers Stone or some other stuff, but it's probably not important. So grab your sewer skateboard and your battery-operated sword for the next segment of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It contains everything you need to know about Cerberus (that you didn't already learn from late night monster movies)

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 490 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 8-11

Episode 490: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 8-11

Harry Potter? Played at Glastonbury in '98? Fell off the stage and hurt himself and ended up in a backstage fight with a chicken farmer? That Harry Potter?

In this next thrilling chunk of fanfic, Harry Parker (the boy who not died) gets on a train, has dinner and reads through his class timetable. And if you think that sounds thrilling, just consider that the most action-packed part of it is a retelling of a filler episode that the fic could have skipped without anyone noticing or, most likely, caring either. But what it's really about is everyone joining Ravenclaw because they're all so big on those traits that we all know Ravenclaw has and is so well regarded for. So join I.R. Ninja, Stinky Pete, Joanna Goanna and Quantum Toilet Duck for more of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You can read it in your free period after Thursday lunch.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 489 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 4-7

Episode 489: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 4-7

McGonagall has the power of attorney and can cast the Tickling Charm 

In this regurgitated chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Boy Who Lived reviews a list of textbooks and then goes shopping for school supplies. Meanwhile, Dumbledore and McGonagall stand around while Dan Granger complains about everything and Casey Jones and Raphael arrange a date in Central Park without specifying where in Central Park they're going to meet which means that both of them could be anywhere by now. All of this is to say that if you’re looking for huge chunks of copy-pasted text with new characters crudely added into it, then Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the fic for you. Otherwise you might want to consider something else. Like, literally anything.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 488 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 1-3

Episode 488: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 1-3

Thank you for that, random exposition wizard

Having made his way to New York despite being an unaccompanied five-year-old and having only some small change on hand, Harry Potter is immediately found by Splinter who adopts him for no reason whatsoever. And thus, we get Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is that rare case where a fic's title is also its premise. So what does Harry do now that he has his new life as a shinobi sewer hobo? Well not much, as the fic mostly consists of regurgitated scripts with him crudely pasted into them. But between that we get Dumbledore fumbling around and Dad Granger Senior being the smartest person around, so I suppose that counts for something. So steal a wallet and fake a passport for Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sewer Slide sold separately.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 477 - The Normandy's Nomads

Episode 477: The Normandy's Nomads

The Times Square Naked Cowboy wore it better.

Meet V. He’s a blood-soaked murder machine who’s horny as all get out and dumb as a bag of rocks. Meet Shepard. She’s horny as all get out and dumb as a bag of rocks, with the blood-soaked murder machine being assumed. Together they both kind of sort of exist in this fic which consists of setting things up without the pair of them ever meeting or even being aware of each other’s existence. But what it’s really about is listing people’s inventories, because that remains a key part of our fic experience. So grab your trillion-dollar bank transfer and your blatant McGuffin for The Normandy’s Nomads. It’s short, but oh so very stupid.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 471 - Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 3-4

Episode 471: Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 3-4

PPS, the Roboskull is real, lives on the dark side of the moon and is coming for you

We join our hero, Harry Potter the boy wizard as he leads a covert strike against a group of revolutionaries aimed at breaking up an arms deal that ends with him achieving a double-digit bodycount. Now you might be staggered at that idea, but trust me, it’s far from the stupidest part of the fic. Instead, we're treated to the sheer magic (joke not intended) that its Lily Potter's insane paranoid manifesto which will no doubt end with the revelation that Dumbledore is a lizard person. So grab your name-band firearms, your hardened milspec laptop and your hall pass for the second half of Harry Potter the G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone. Also trust nobody, filter your water, and never leave home without your tinfoil hat.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 470 - Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 1-2

Episode 470: Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 1-2

If this ends with G.I. Joe in court fighting for custody of Harry Potter, then this fic it will all be worth it

It’s rare that a fic gives you its entire premise in the title, but yet when you’ve got one called Harry Potter and G.I. Joe, you should probably know exactly what to expect. Even then, you’ll probably end up being surprised when Scarlett (heart-shaped face, high cheekbones, emerald green eyes, copper-red hair) decides that she’s going to move heaven and earth for a boy that she has only just met and who has spent all that time unconscious. So while everyone is shocked that two redheads exist in the world and the Dursleys suffer grisly deaths we’ll be describing characters’ clothes in stupidly elaborate detail for the first portion of Harry Potter and G.I. Joe. Features a bulldog and/or Dreadnok!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 467 - The Neon Lily of Night City

Episode 467: The Neon Lily of Night City

Whoso pulleth this Mantis Blade from this thug’s pelvis is rightful crowned king of England

Meet Harry Potter and Fleur Delacour. He’s a merc who’s main skill is being loud and obnoxious, and she’s a corpo who’s mostly defined by her silly accent. They’re the two dumbest and horniest people in Night City, a fact that this fic will remind you of at every possible moment. Together they’re going to plan a heist, but that’s not what this is all about. Instead it’s about the pair of them trying to jump into each other’s pants at every opportunity while everyone around them tries to join in. So grab your mantis blade, your vending machine burrito and your obvious trap for The Neon Lily of Night City. Eeez very zilly ‘fic, no?

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 466 - A Stranger Named Six

Episode 466: A Stranger Named Six

Oh no! Not Surprisingly Chill Ninja! He was my favourite character!

Having ensured a better future for a reclusive billionaire techbro through nuking thousands of innocents, Courier Six is at something of a loss for what to do with his life. Fortunately, a chance encounter sends him hurtling across time, space and reality to another world where he finds the one thing he’s really been missing in his life; hot fox-girl booty. So enamoured is he with this idea that he immediately gets over his wangst about how life is a meaningless void of existential despair and hooks up with the group of obviously evil ninjas because they seem nice. So sit back, relax and have some pizza for A Stranger Named Six. You have to, it’s the rules.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 464 - Millennium City Magic

Episode 464: Millennium City Magic

Which logically means that Lucius Malfoy is built on less character points than Talisman or Black Paladin

This fic gets off to a flying start when a bunch of nine-year-old kids are locked up in a fully-stocked police armoury for their own safety, and yet it only manages to get stupider from there. For one of those kids is Harry Potter and the armoury contains a ridiculously advanced suit of experimental armour with a huge arsenal at its disposal, which means that you know things are going to end well. Next thing you know, the Boy Who Lived is flying around, doing tutorial quests and throwing senior citizens across the room, but it’s all okay since his godfather will throw money at problems to make them go away. So get your Qualaar beacons and your speed chart for Millennium City Magic. Now with added Grond!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 463 - After Cybertron, chapters 5-7

Episode 463: After Cybertron, chapters 5-7

He qualified for being a Spectre by running through a maze, ringing a bell and getting a piece of cheese

Now that Optimus Prime has had his regular round of dying and coming back to life, we can get back to what this fic is really about; that’s right, introducing characters. But this part of After Cybertron gives us an extra special treat! Not just do we have more random pointless Transformers in random pointless side-plots, but we also get to meet the author’s totally amazing, incredibly original OC complete with getting his tragic backstory dumped on us in the most awkward way possible. So get your cyberarm and your useless alt-mode for the last portion of After Cybertron! Also Shepard is in this, but you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 462 - After Cybertron, chapters 3-4

Episode 462: After Cybertron, chapters 3-4

Hunting helicopter gunships, much like the Tyrannosaurus did millions of years ago

Saren and Sovereign have launched their assault on the Citadel, aiming to summon the Reapers and wipe out all life in the galaxy! Shepard is faced with an impossible decision in the battle to save all life. Except then a bunch of Transformers come along and effortlessly stomp everything while she stands around and goes ‘yay’ or something while draining every last hint of tension from the story. And so as the ominous guy says ominous things and the Transformers conceal themselves by going on giant robot rampage through the middle of the city you can enjoy some more chunks of After Cybertron. Eye-searing 90s colour schemes not included.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 461 - After Cybertron, chapters 1-2

Episode 461: After Cybertron, chapters 1-2

Oh hey. Massive hole in space-time. Didn’t see that coming.

The race is on to save the Galaxy, which means that Commander Shepard needs to drop everything she’s doing and sit through a lengthy PowerPoint presentation. Yes, that’s the basic premise of our newest fic in which the only force capable of rescuing civilisation from an army of killer space robots is another army of killer space robots, but only after they deliver a helping heap of pace-stumping exposition that nobody actually needed to know and that the readers were likely familiar with anyway. So throw a couch out the window and get your OC love interest for the first portion of After Cybertron. And remember, you had to ask.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 457 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 7-8

Episode 457: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 7-8

Scene of Batman punching rats omitted for time

In this chunk of fanfiction-like object, Batman takes a break from saving the Galaxy from a poorly defined threat to brush his teeth, cook dinner, play minigames and collect trophies. Yes, it’s side quests galore as our story grinds to a halt, punctuated only by long, drawn-out fight scenes and, as a change, a flashback to another long drawn-out fight scene and then the promise of some more long, drawn-out fight scenes to come. So get your collectables, your rat funnels and your dead robot for the final portion of Batman the Future Knight. Oh, and there might also be some person called Shepard or something. I dunno. They’re probably not important.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.