Sunday, December 18, 2022

Episode 461 - After Cybertron, chapters 1-2

Episode 461: After Cybertron, chapters 1-2


Oh hey. Massive hole in space-time. Didn’t see that coming.

The race is on to save the Galaxy, which means that Commander Shepard needs to drop everything she’s doing and sit through a lengthy PowerPoint presentation. Yes, that’s the basic premise of our newest fic in which the only force capable of rescuing civilisation from an army of killer space robots is another army of killer space robots, but only after they deliver a helping heap of pace-stumping exposition that nobody actually needed to know and that the readers were likely familiar with anyway. So throw a couch out the window and get your OC love interest for the first portion of After Cybertron. And remember, you had to ask.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Saturday, December 3, 2022

Episode 460 - Pack Rat - Sins of the Father, chapters 12-13

Episode 460: Pack Rat - Sins of the Father, chapters 12-13


And this is why stupid people should not be allowed near operating theatres

Pack Rat has completed his lifelong goal of revenge. Doctor Medford is dead, his base destroyed and his army of killer catgirls are no more. Which is a bit of a problem given that we’re only halfway through the fic, making you wonder what it’s actually going to do next. If you’d guessed ‘gripping medical drama’ then you’d be pleasantly surprised. But if you’d also guessed ‘Pack Rat continues to be a whiny creep’ then, well, you got that one right as well. So head on up to the airship with your bigfoot drugs and your fruit smoothies for the conclusion to Pack Rat – Sins of the Father. Or is it?!

Actually, yes, it is.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Monday, November 21, 2022

Episode 459 - Pack Rat - Sins of the Father, chapters 7-11

Episode 459: Pack Rat - Sins of the Father, chapters 7-11


Leave him alone with drugs and a loaded gun. Great work there, Bigfoot.

The unamazing adventures of Pack Rat continue as he takes drugs, oggles catgirls, broods, counts his guns and pauses only to wonder why he’s still single. Having penetrated the lair of the cartoonishly evil terrorists he reaches his goal only to be shocked by a plot twist that is not only very predictable but is also so incredibly stupid that it undermines the rest of the fic. Will Pack Rat escape? Will the Huntresses not be acutely useless? Will Ken anything? Get your fold-up rocket launcher and your free Canadian healthcare for another amazing round of Pack Rat – Sins of the Father and maybe you’ll find out. But probably not.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Episode 458 - Pack Rat - Sins of the Father, chapters 1-6

Episode 458: Pack Rat - Sins of the Father, chapters 1-6


The mysterious alien visitor from beyond known as... Ken.

The only thing standing between evil snake-themed supertech terrorists and world domination is a team consisting of Rat Fink, Edgelord the Werewolf, Future Space Lizardman and someone’s Undertale OC. Which means that we’re probably in a lot of trouble, not that it really matters for this fic. What it’s mostly about is the titular rat man hiding out in his basement, building bombs, polishing his guns, brooding, plotting revenge, being generally hostile to everyone around him and wondering why nobody likes him. So load up your oversized compensation revolver, grab some health packs and smash some outdoor furniture for Pack Rat – Sins of the Father. Warning, contains stupid sexy catboys.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, October 23, 2022

Episode 457 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 7-8

Episode 457: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 7-8


Scene of Batman punching rats omitted for time

In this chunk of fanfiction-like object, Batman takes a break from saving the Galaxy from a poorly defined threat to brush his teeth, cook dinner, play minigames and collect trophies. Yes, it’s side quests galore as our story grinds to a halt, punctuated only by long, drawn-out fight scenes and, as a change, a flashback to another long drawn-out fight scene and then the promise of some more long, drawn-out fight scenes to come. So get your collectables, your rat funnels and your dead robot for the final portion of Batman the Future Knight. Oh, and there might also be some person called Shepard or something. I dunno. They’re probably not important.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Monday, October 3, 2022

Episode 456 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 5-6

Episode 456: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 5-6


Whenever I see a fuel pump and a robot, I immediately think ‘voice synthesizer.’ It’s just common sense.

We’ve seen a lot of stupid things in these fics so far, but this one takes the cake. For not only does this chunk of Batman: the Future Knight have a boss fight complete with game mechanics, but it also has the boss’ health bar in the text which diminishes with each attack Batman makes, and keeps this going for a not insubstantial amount of text. But it’s not just all fighting bad guys, as in this chapter, Batman cooks dinner, watches funny cat videos and attends an office meeting where he awards the employee of the month!* So head on down to the local dung-filled peasant village and beat up a supermarket full of raiders for the next chunk of Batman: the Future Knight. Now with noodles!

*This actually happens.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, September 18, 2022

Episode 455 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 1-4

Episode 455: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 1-4


I’m just saying that if we cut to Garrus chopping wood outside his cabin and talking about being pulled back in for one more job, this fic will be totally worth it

After a long career of beating up goons in Gotham City, Batman is frozen in ice. Waking up a century and a half later in a strange new world, he immediately goes back to beating up goons, and proceeds to do such for the rest of the fic. Fortunately for him there is a massive interstellar corporation sitting around waiting just in case something like this happens so they can throw piles of new gear at him to better enable the aforesaid goon beatdowns. So get your Rec and your electric smoke bombs for Batman: the Future Knight. It’s so good you’ll want to hide out in your secret bunker underneath your other secret bunker!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, September 4, 2022

Episode 454 - Snakes in MegaTokyo

Episode 454: Snakes in MegaTokyo


Eyewitnesses reported two heavily armed soldiers wearing the uniforms of a known terrorist organisation carrying an unconscious man off before loading him into a black jet fighter that then flew away, but we don’t think there’s a connection

In a break from the usual killer robot rampages, MegaTokyo is instead attacked by evil snake-themed terrorists as a part of their plan to sell action figures. Fortunately, the Knight Sabers are there to deal with a tense hostage situation by going in all guns blazing and dispensing justice with a series of crotch kicks, but things still go horribly wrong despite this brilliant plan. Will Sylia escape the clutches of Cobra? Will Mackie remember the proper clean-up procedures at work? Will Rick ever make a second Grand Mal joke? As you ponder these matters, grab yourself a stolen uniform and can of Uncle Wilikins Grape Soda for Snakes in MegaTokyo. It’s the most eighties crossover you can think of!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, August 7, 2022

Episode 453 - A Trek Into the Past, chapter 3

Episode 453: A Trek Into the Past, chapter 3


But if you inadvertently erase me from history then I’m never going to speak to you again.

Having found themselves trapped in the past, our trio of brave explorers (Doctor, Vulcan and Girl) must contend with their own stupidity and apparent need to make everything even more difficult for themselves then it is already. And as if walking around being as blatantly obvious to everyone around them isn’t bad enough, there’s also the daily killer robot attack to deal with. Can Doctor Guy save the day and cure a bad case of disembowelment? Will Quincy shout at more random scientists? Will the USSD subplot go anywhere? Read on in A Trek to the Past for the unsurprising answers to these and not much else. Now featuring a glossary!


Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, July 17, 2022

Episode 452 - A Trek Into the Past, chapters 1-2

Episode 452: A Trek Into the Past, chapters 1-2


He needs to sleep off being exploded

Hurled through time by an exploding spaceship, a group of rookie Starfleet officers are forced to survive in the hostile retro-cyberpunk dystopia of Mega-Tokyo. Cut off from all their support, all they have to rely on is their wits, cunning and skill. Which means with this bunch that they’re in real trouble as they have the collective intellect of a tribble and an amazing ability to not only make bad decisions and double down on them but to be as blatantly obvious about it as possible. So get your hat and your space lasers for A Trek Into the Past! May contain traces of Knight Sabers.


Riffers: ?, ?, ? and ?

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Friday, July 8, 2022

Episode 451 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 11-12

Episode 451: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 11-12


He’d overcome his two greatest enemies but, most importantly, he’d defeated some nameless guys who we’d never seen before and had nothing to do with anything.

After endless hours of piano lessons, strip mall Karate dojo classes, Canadian university entrance exams and really, really awkward dates, we did it. We got to the end of the fic. But Jack’s greatest challenge still lies ahead; school prom. What limo will he go in? Will he have the chicken or the beef? And will his tux clash badly with his date’s dress? Oh, and there’s also some stuff about fighting some guy called Lynx for the fate of the entire internet, but it’s really not that important. So get your corsage and your best Halo gun for the actual conclusion of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. Guest staring David Miranda and Krystle Levesque and her boyfriend Scott!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, June 19, 2022

Episode 450 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 9-10

Episode 450: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 9-10


It’s not that this happened earlier in the chapter. It’s that we recapped this happening earlier in the chapter... earlier in this chapter.

Well, it’s time for the ultimate showdown between Jack and Lynx for control of the entire OASIS. After that, nothing will... wait what? There’s still three and a half chapters to go after that? And Tridosk is still in the fic? I mean, you’d think it would be over now given that it reached its logical conclusion and all that. Um, I suppose we could have some strip-mall Karate lessons or some phone meetings or even more creeping on that one girl Mark likes or something. Geez, I don’t know. Anyway, here’s the next part of Ready Player One, the Adventures of Jack. It’s like the longest and dullest postscript ever.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, June 5, 2022

Episode 449: Ready Player One - The Adventures of Jack, chapters 7-8

Episode 449: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 7-8


So Amira is putting Mark in contact with a buff shirtless guy to get him to ‘loosen up’. I have a lot of concerns about this.

Meet Akira. She’s the head of programming for the entire OASIS. She created a trio of world-altering Easter eggs, implemented them and then went live with them without letting her bosses knowing. And now rather than being fired for her brute stupidity, she’s been given free reign to come up with solutions to her own mess that will actively make things worse. Meanwhile, the idea of just banning the one guy causing all their problems never occurs to anyone even though they already said they could do it. So get your spare nuclear weapon and go to the world’s wost guidance councillor for the next chunk of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. Now with green tea.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, May 22, 2022

Episode 448 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 5-6

Episode 448: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 5-6


So in short, Mark is quiet and reserved and can’t talk to girls, and turns into a complete ragemonster online. I foresee a SWAT team in his future.

The action just leaps off the page in this, the next part of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. You’ll be on the edge of your seat as our protagonist works on an English assignment for high school, practices the piano and does the laundry. Will he separate the colours properly? Will he use the right detergent? Will he correctly set the washing machine? The answers to these questions will shock you as you grapple with the insane twists this fic throws your way! So get your coffee from the coffee shop, mow the lawn, do the dishes and maybe engage in some light gardening for more of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. It’s so exciting, you’ll want to wash the car!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Monday, May 16, 2022

Episode 447 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 3-4

Episode 447: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 3-4


They were the terrors of Club Penguin

Meet Lynx. He’s a hacker, troll and griefer, and more to the point, admits these things right in the face of the people who own the OASIS. So instead of immediately slapping him with a lifetime ban, they instead enable him and help him to find the Easter Eggs that will only further his destructive habits. Yep, it’s all good decisions all the way down here as Jack and his simulations of friends continue their quest to perform mundane challenges that aren’t actually challenging for poorly defined rewards. So type in some fake Linux commands and click your mouse for the next part of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. I’m in!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, May 8, 2022

Episode 446 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 1-2

Episode 446: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 1-2


Imagine trying to eat knowing that there’s a microfibre crotch inlay that’s likely gotten a lot of use right next to your table.

Meet Jack. He has two pistols, an assault rifle, a sniper rifle, a sword, two knives, several suits of armour, an invisibility cloak, a sports car, a motorcycle, a fleet of shuttles and a huge spaceship that he runs his repair business from. Who is he as a person? Well that doesn’t really matter. What does matter is listing the inventory of each and every character in the fic so we know what they’re carrying on them at any given moment. And so join Jack and his loosely defined friends as they do stuff for no real reason, talk about Wrestlemania and avoid piano lessons in Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack. Damn straight!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Friday, April 22, 2022

Episode 445 - Robotech the New Age

Episode 445: Robotech the New Age


Take a timeout from the space war

Meet Coates, Ruby, Dan and Sparky. Who are they? No clue. Why do we care about them? Your guess is as good as mine. So why is this fic all about them? That is indeed a mystery that will never be resolved at all. What we can tell you is that they’re a bunch of pilots on board a spaceship who spend their time firing heatseekers at Pods, getting drunk, engaging in unfunny comedy antics, firing heatseekers at Pods, going on dates, talking to their pet pug and firing heatseekers at Pods. So get your hazmat suit, your maxed out credit card and your outdated unfunny stereotypes for Robotech the New Age. Approved by a tactical genius!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Rebuild of Elmer Studios, year ten

Ten years. Wow.

Honestly, when we started this project, we had no idea where it would go. The whole idea of ‘rebooting’ Elmer Studios was a sort of ‘sure, why not’ thing with the plan being to simply keep going for as long as we could or as long as we had material to go on with. Instead, the whole thing took us in completely unexpected directions. The B-Teams, the lost pilots, the guest cast, Storm Force and the rabbit hole that it led us down and so on.

Had you asked me where this would be in 2012, I would have had no clue. And yet, here we are. And we’re still going.

In the last year, we covered seventeen episodes, which was on the low side of things. There were mitigating circumstances, including a problem with uploads that meant that there were no episodes released in October of 2021. But that wasn’t all that happened.

Saturday, April 9, 2022

Episode 444 - Son of Primus, chapters 11-20

Episode 444: Son of Primus, chapters 11-20


He figures this is his life now. Just being shuffled between different cells with the occasional uncontrolled re-entry

Remember when this fic was a Need for Speed crossover? I don’t, and apparently neither does the fic. What it’s actually is about is how Stripes is the stupidest person in the universe, and yet everyone stands around and congratulates him for it. And so as he alternates between falling through space, running away from danger and leaving his friends to face the music, being interrogated and held hostage, Stripes keeps asking himself ‘why me’, despite the fact that everyone keeps reiterating the plot at him. So get your Crack Calibre Laser-Blazer Broadsword for the next part of Son of Primus! Maybe even featuring Cross and/or Razor!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Monday, March 28, 2022

Lost Fanfics

 As of when I write this (March 2022), Fanfiction.net is still more or less alive; not floating but not quite drowning for the moment. How long it will stay like that is another matter. While many pundits have been predicting the imminent death of the site for years, it has somehow managed to keep going despite all of that. Likewise, while many have been expecting Archive of our Own to overtake it in terms of growth and content any day now, that hasn’t happened either.

Of course, the death of Fanfiction.net would be a terrible thing, despite how much we joke about it. The simple fact is that the site represents a tremendous repository of fanlore going back to the late nineties. Many of the fics on it exist there and there alone. Some may have been posted on other sites that have since been lost to the death of Web 1.0; most simply have never been posted anywhere else at all. And on the day that Fanfiction.net does die (and many do see it as a when, not an if), they will indeed be lost forever. Of course, that also doesn’t prevent authors from removing their fics from fanfiction.net; when such happens, that fic becomes lost.

We’ve seen a lot of that in our time. The original Elmer Studios run was in the era of personal websites, small archives and the like, with fanfiction.net creeping in there at the end. Conversely, the modern run started in the age of fanfiction.net and Ao3, while watching the personal website and the small archive die around us, as well as a number of other sources that we have turned to in past. Many of the fanfics we have riffed now simply exist nowhere else at all, at least not in their ‘raw’ format.

So I thought I’d do a tour of some ‘lost’ fics.

Sunday, March 27, 2022

Episode 443 - Son of Primus, chapters 1-10

Episode 443: Son of Primus, chapters 1-10


Having plunged through the atmosphere of an unknown planet and impacted into a giant crater only to be trapped by a cannibalistic robot, Stripes is more convinced than ever that jumping out the airlock was a good idea.

Having formerly been a street racer, our hero Stripes (sadly not an orange tiger cassette guy) has been abducted, transformed and is now on the run from a mystic destiny, all while mooning over that one hot cop girl from that one Need for Speed game. Can Stripes escape his enemies, both old and new? Why would you have a ‘was all a dream’ twist in the middle of the fic? Why would you even write a crossover if it has nothing to do with anything? None of these questions will be answered, but you probably expected that. So get your orbital mind control lasers and your feet pedes for the first part of Son of Primus! 


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Saturday, March 19, 2022

Episode 442 - Death's Fixer, chapters 7-9

Episode 442: Death's Fixer, chapters 7-9


Judy has realised that her crappy childhood didn’t feature any dragon chases and she feels strangely robbed

As Death’s Fixer continues its relentless advance, we have to ask a big question. What is V actually doing for this fic? They’re not finishing story quests, they rarely fight bad guys and they’re at the stage where getting their clothes cleaned is a major plot point. And while Judy gets drunk, Panam complains about the parking and Takamura passes out in a back alley, the fic shifts its focus to other popular Cyberpunk 2077 characters, like Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom, Ginny Weasley, Blaise Zabani, Cruckshanks and Dobby the House Elf. So shoot straight, conserve ammo and never do a deal with a dragon for another three chapters of Death’s Fixer. Yes, there is actually a dragon in there.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

Episode 441 - Death's Fixer, chapters 4-6

Episode 441: Death's Fixer, chapters 4-6


There is no trombone noise sad enough

Not just does this Cyberpunk 2077 fic have Harry Potter walking around in it, but it turns out that he’s not the only wizard in the world either. And so while Panam tries out an F-Bomb based magic system and we grapple with the implications that all the Aldecaldos are also wizards, we the reader need to ask ourselves a number of questions. Chief among them is why the author didn’t just write a Shadowrun fanfic instead, because that would make a lot more sense. So get your wand, steal some copper wire and finish some story quests for Death’s Fixer. Now featuring Bigfoot or possibly Neville Longbottom. It’s hard to tell.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Saturday, January 8, 2022

Episode 440 - Death's Fixer, chapters 1-3

Episode 440: Death's Fixer, chapters 1-3


V and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad heist

V has a lot on her plate right now. Not only does she have a dead terrorist in her head and is being slowly killed by a piece of malfunctioning advanced technology, but now she has to deal with an utter tosser who is claiming to be a wizard and taking over her story. Not that said wizard is being subtle with it or the like, given that he’s basically wandering around and shooting people with magic spells in broad daylight while screaming ‘I am a wizard’ at passing people and being insufferably smug about it in defiance of all the rules that magic people are supposed to follow or something. So grab your robot arm, T-Pose on a motorcycle and play a round of beer pong with Nibbles for Harry Potter and the Malfunctioning Biochip Death’s Fixer.

Bakkers!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.