Episode 387 - The Death Games, chapters 20-22

Episode 387: The Death Games, chapters 20-22

Awww, it’s so sweet. [Pause] I tried to kill him many times.

Well, this is it. The final showdown you’ve all been waiting for. It’s been a long road here, what with all the lounging around, the talking about people hooking up and the almost-but-not-quite life-threatening peril. With the façade of the games torn down in a vague semblance of a reveal, our hero is up against the vilest creature in, well, maybe in this particular neighbourhood. That’s right, Ki makes his dramatic move! His past with one particular guy we’ve heard of a couple of times is revealed! Of course, this shapes the entire situation in ways that haven’t even been hinted at before, but that’s The Death Games, baby. Facing down the vile soul-sucker alone, unaided, and with nobody but the entire assembled Justice League to call on, we can only wait to see what becomes of our hero: Eggs-Over-Easy boy.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 379 - The Death Games, chapters 20-22

Episode 379: The Death Games, chapters 20-22

He paused for a smooch in the middle of a minefield while facing a gun-toting killer. I’ve seen better plans.


The Death Games has been a long road, but by now it’s approaching its dramatic conclusion. And with that comes startling revelations about the nature of the contest… Startling mostly because of just how little sense they make. We’ll find out why Ki, head monochrome bad guy and robe enthusiast decided to subjugate whole planets just to take off with one teenager at a time. We discover just what he fears – not really why, or how it impacts him, or quite how his plan to deal with it makes sense, but hey, he’s afraid of it anyway. And we learn the shocking true nature of the contest itself, in a flurry of exposition that manages to make less sense with each passing line. Secrets are revealed in the penultimate chapter of The Death Games – Tune in, and don’t find out!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 372 - The Death Games, chapters 17-19

Episode 372: The Death Games, chapters 17-19

He’s just being lightly stabbed in the face. Nothing to be worried about.

Screaming straight back into action from the tumultuous cliffhanger at the previous exciting instalment of The Death Games, we find our daring hero racing to the… Oh, I can’t keep this up. Really, it’s hard to make this sound exciting while keeping a straight face. I mean, sure they git into a fight – sort of, if you could call it that – but it’s not really a capital ‘F’ fight worthy of the build-up now, is it? And what do they do after? Why, they lounge around in a handy hot springs, don’t they? Sure, that’s a big change. Way to advance the plot by doing nothing there, folks. Really, it’s more of the same turgid banality we’ve come to expect of – wait what? On a what? Seriously? All this time? Oh, I give up. Chirp.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 364 - The Death Games, chapters 14-16

Episode 364: The Death Games, chapters 14-16

Well there you go, she does indeed have intelligent on plants.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for that spectacle of bravery and sacrifice, the Death Games! And what does today’s instalment have for us? I’m glad you asked, Jimmy, because it’s got everything! Romance blossoms with the slightest look! Will our star-crossed contestants actually emote beyond blank smiles? Random mash-up creatures! It may look like a vicious three headed tiger, but is it really a big softy? Vile poison!* An evil and dastardly haircut! Padding! All kinds of padding! Dream sequence padding and song lyrics padding! It’s got so much padding that it’s even padding out this promo! So come one, come all, as long as you don’t want any actual death or games, then the Death Games is for you!

*We think. I mean, it’s not like it’s ever brought up again…

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 346 - The Death Games, chapters 10-13

Episode 346: The Death Games, chapters 10-13

Yep, that was me. Something I did sure happened just then.

After approximately six years of meandering around and talking about how amazing Shadow is, the The Death Games finally begin! Now thrust into a deadly arena to fight for their lives, the contestants can meander around and talk about how amazing Shadow is. But it’s not all light romantic banter (with a side of survival drama and maybe just a hint of child murder), as Buzz the obviously evil guy proves to be obviously evil, and starts his campaign to mildly inconvenience the other competitors. It’s just him, a group of hapless innocents and an expertly trained superhero with all the gadgets and gizmos under the sun. So come one and all and place your bets for the The Death Games!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 334 - The Death Games, chapters 7-9

Episode 334: The Death Games, chapters 7-9

Well I volunteered to go participate in this grisly child murder spectacle for the pleasure of some enigmatic alien overlords, but apart from that? Peachy.

The time has arrived to begin the pageantry of honour, glory and lists of colours that is the Death Games... almost! Before our cast of very-nearly characters can get around to killing each other for the entertainment of the monochrome aliens, there's a few things that need to be done. Interviews! Training! Scores! Dream sequences! Breakfast! Staring longingly at some girl you've just met! That's right, it's a busy time for our monosyllabic contenders from their overly-descriptive planets as they go through possibly familiar scenes from a certain teen lit series while talking about the one girl who has a backstory and how perfect she is. So get your alien popcorn ready because it's almost nearly quite close to being time to start The Death Games!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 321 - The Death Games, chapters 4-6

Episode 321: The Death Games, chapters 4-6

On my planet, we stab people with bananas. Our bananas are sharp.

It's time to meet our contestants! Buzz-Cut Boy, Intelligent on Plants Girl and Possibly Psychic Girl! They've all been chosen to partake in this year's the The Death Games! Come see them and other favourites such as Pink Girl from the planet Pink, Punk Girl from the planet Punk and Scarred Boy from the Planet Scar as they eat breakfast and flounce around in their pyjamas! But that's not all! Guy Who Likes Zabanya, Guy Who Dies First and Guy we Can't Think Of Anything To Say About are here to train with a random assortment of weapons, not hold hands and generally just kind of be there! All this while Mysterious Girl is mysterious and Nightwing gets a makeover! It's non-stop, oddly-familiar excitement in The Death Games!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 311 - The Death Games, chapters 1-3

Episode 311: The Death Games, chapters 1-3

My name is Eggs-Over-Easy Boy, I'm 18 years old and I'm from the planet Eggs-Over-Easy.

He must have Eggs-Over-Easy powers.

Happy Hunger Death games! Every year, the Capital Alien invaders select a tribute from each of the twelve districts planets to compete for glory. This year, District Twelve Earth sends the heroic young Katniss Everdeen Nightwing who volunteered to save her sister his adoptive brother. She He travels to the far off Captial Imperial Star Destroyer under the direction of the powerful game makers alien overlords Ki, Ga and Wo to meet a variety of colourful competitors from other districts worlds. And while she he will make deadly enemies, Katniss Nightwing will also find an alliance, and possibly more, with Peeta Phoenix Shadow. If you love Battle Royale Hunger Games Avengers Arena Girl on Fire the latest generic teen lit phenomenon derivative fanfic that's basically crossing out the words and replacing them with new ones scrawled in crayon, then this is the fic for you!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 293 - Girl on Fire, chapters 19-21

Episode 293: Girl on Fire, chapters 19-21

Further to previously published findings, a new, independent study based on emerging research methods confirms once more that fire is hot.

The finale is upon us and the Injustice League's nefarious plan is finally unveiled! What? It's not? Then what was their plan anyway? What about the robot, was that them? Wait, you forgot the robot? How about Phoenix's amazing transformation? Or was that just going to happen anyway? Fine. Well they've got her in their clutches, so now it's time to... Bicker? Wait, do they really not know what they're doing? We've come to far to stick the landing now. This is the end! There's no more Girl on Fire after this, so you'll have to get your act together and... What? She's gone? Great. Terrific. Just... I don't know, have a big showdown and be done with it. Makes you wonder why we bothered in the first place

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 287: Girl on Fire, chapters 16-18

Episode 287: Girl on Fire, chapters 16-18

News flash! Local woman makes bold statement that fire is indeed hot.

The long running superhero epic The Girl On Fire rockets rapidly towards its staggering conclusion!

Actually, no. No, it doesn't. Much like its overblown cast, it seems to just stand around for a while (in its underwear), pretty much unsure of what to do while it rehashes old plot points (both of them) and repeats itself a few more times. All pains are taken to make sure that nobody does anything (except Phoenix) and that everybody is put out of action (except Phoenix) while they all get filled in on an improbable origin story (except Black Flame - wait, when did he get here?). So join our heroes (?) for... Um, not really much... If you want to... Actually, I'm sure you've got better things to do than take part in The Girl On Fire. The fic certainly doesn't.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 277 - Girl on Fire, chapters 14-15

Episode 277: Girl on Fire, chapters 14-15

We'll be over here, not doing anything.

The Girl On Fire has been compared to the famous thought experiment, Xeno's Paradox (You know, the one with the turtle and the arrow that somehow does not end in a shish kebab). Much like Xeno's arrow, every time the plot seems to progress, no matter how marginally, the ending always seems that little bit further away. And much like any good thought experiment, the fic has no resemblance to reality. What it does have is the answers to many questions such as "What exactly is 'the most oil companies' anyway," "Will Ghost Flame ever be an actual threat" and "Can Stephanie save everyone who's been easily rendered helpless on her own?" Actually, if you need that one answered, then the turtle is further away than we thought.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 267 - Girl on Fire, chapter 13

Episode 267: Girl on Fire, chapter 13

I also love sunrises, singing, Jenga, beef stew and greater proportions of unspecified subdivisions of oil companies.

It's that time again! Time for well-paced stories about developed and believable characters? Of course not, you fool; it's time for more Girl on Fire! And since our last chapter ended on a cliffhanger with the sudden intervention of the Injustice League (yes, they're actually in the fic), we have to make sure to maintain the momentum by... having a filler chapter. Yes folks, pacing goes out the window once more as we pack everyone off for a high school episode (type three - harassed by local bully) so we can meet Stephanie's two closest friends - whosie and whatsherface - and have them gush about how wonderful Stephanie is instead. That's right, it's more of the toad elevating action that you've come to dread from Girl on Fire!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 260 - Girl on Fire, chapters 11-12

Episode 260: Girl on Fire, chapters 11-12

She's been singing at this rowdy, grubby, frontier family restaurant, probably packed to the brim with
trappers and embittered prospectors since she was nine years old? And everyone's okay with this?

It's that time again! Time for superheroes to order dinner! Time to type out inane song lyrics! Time for the world's greatest heroes to stand around and do nothing while Phoenix is imperiled, kidnapped and saves everyone! That's right, it's time for more of everything you love about Girl on Fire. But this chapter is different. This chapter brings to light Phoenix's greatest, most dreaded weakness. A trap so complex, an item so fiendish, that you won't believe your eyes. No seriously, you won't believe it because it's just too ludicrous to comprehend. So amazingly brain-numbing that I can't even repeat it in the promo. You'll just have to find out in the latest installment of Girl on Fire!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 251 - Girl on Fire, chapters 9-10

Episode 251: Girl on Fire, chapters 9-10

"These people aren't ordinary," said the evil sorcerer to the demigod from ancient Egypt and the guy with a nuclear skull for a head..

Girl on Fire takes it up a notch as the plot arrives! That's right, it's only eight chapters in and we finally find out where the Injustice League (remember them?) are hiding, and what they've come to Moose Tailings, Alaska for. And for the terminally hard of thinking, it happens to be the only thing that matters in this fic - Jake's Bar and Grill. I mean Stephanie, the titular Girl on Fire, Robin's beloved, amazing fighter, tragic waif who can take a hit from a gorilla without flinching but tears up the very moment the existence of mothers is even hinted at. Fortunately, the Justice League is here to stand around and do nothing (again) while Robin and Phoenix fight off the villains (again). It's everything you've come to love about Girl on Fire, just with less doors and more inappropriately dressed teenagers.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 238 - Girl on Fire, chapters 6-8

Episode 238: Girl on Fire, chapters 6-8

It seems we only have a half dozen characters. Phoenix, her family, Robin, and the poorly-defined mass that is everyone else.

Girl On Fire! Returning once more with amazing action and unbelievable danger! New villains appear! Watch teen super sensation Phoenix very nearly fight with her very own arch enemies! The Justice League are rendered helpless by a perfectly ordinary door! Witness amazing spectacles of the superhuman world! A secret mountain lair! A tragic past! Magic cure-all lotion! Things that are hotter than lava! Fake replacement parents! A nightmare inducing fireball! Familial relations repeated again and again! Mind-link conversations and people speaking in a foreign language! It’s everything you could want in a superhero fic, without all the inconvenience of having an actual cast or story!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 228 - Girl on Fire, chapters 1-5

Episode 228: Girl on Fire, chapters 1-5

In shocking news the city of Moose Tailings, Alaska was burned to the ground while the Justice League looked on.

For a Young Justice fanfic, the title The Girl on Fire is a bit of a misnomer. Although there is a lot of girl in it, the fire in question seems to be fairly optional. And while Stephanie is adored by everyone, sings like a former Justice League member (not Blue Devil) and is the heir to the majority of an unspecified subdivision of oil companies, she doesn't actually spend that much time On Fire. Instead, she flits around her home, has a shower, sings a forgettable pop song, gets a haircut, flies to school, and eats her grandmothers stew* while two teams of superheroes look on. And while Robin gets embarrassed, Wonder Woman gets a duplicate and Icon gets a line, all you'll get is the gripping** superhero romance of The Girl on Fire.

*All this actually happens.
**Gripping is optional.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster