Episode 509 - Fallout: United Carolina Republic, chapters 9-14

Episode 509: Fallout: United Carolina Republic, chapters 9-14

So in short, I think we should change the name back to Columbia because raiders wiped out my hometown and I had sex with Zoey.

In this, the next set of alphanumeric characters that constitutes Fallout: United Carolina Republic, John shows up, issues arbitrary orders, effortlessly slaughters his inept opponents and is congratulated for it. But treachery is looming in the form of the return of his greatest enemy, Enclave John. Yes, that is the character's name. Please stop laughing. So as the narrative collapses in on itself get your ridiculously convenient excavator, your manky bear pelt and the tragic(?) death the fic has been threatening all along for the final chunks of Fallout: United Carolina Republic. But really, his name is Enclave John. We're not making that up.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 508 - Fallout: United Carolina Republic, chapters 5-8

Episode 508: Fallout: United Carolina Republic, chapters 5-8

The symbol of the notorious raider gang, the poop shovel gun bears.

Warning: Contains explicit sex

John has sex with Zoey. This development is vitally important because it means that John had sex with his girlfriend Zoey who is his girlfriend because she loves him because they have sex. This deeply developed and emotionally compelling relationship forms the heart of this story. Just kidding. It’s mostly about John ordering a mass killing and everyone being okay with this. So get your newspaper headlines, your killer robots and hang out with Father and Son for the next four chapters of Fallout: United Carolina. No really, they never get any names beyond Father and Son and are constantly referred to as such throughout. You'd think somebody would have noticed by now.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 507 - Fallout: United Carolina Republic, chapters 1-4

Episode 507: Fallout: United Carolina Republic, chapters 1-4

Besides, I’ve never shanked a Lizard Man before. It was kinda fun.

Meet John. He’s the president of the United Carolina Republic. Who is he, what does he do and what is this nation that he supposedly runs? Doesn’t matter at all. What does matter is listing everyone’s weapons and what modifications they have in detail, and boy does this fic have you covered. But if that’s not enough, you get to watch John meet people, hand out arbitrary orders and generally be stupid and have everyone agree with him which is just as thrilling as it sounds. So get your ported extended long calibrated sniper’s Pipe Bolt-Action Gun and cannibalise your neighbours for the first four chapters of Fallout: the United Carolina Republic. May or may not contain Radcoons.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 498 - Shining Jewels of America, chapters 5-7

 Episode 498: Shining Jewels of America, chapters 5-7

I'm cheering for Filler Team A.

So far, Shining Jewels has given us an aggressively unlikeable protagonist, long lists of what parts everyone's Gundam is made from and demands to send OCs. That means it must be time for the tournament arc which is never completed because the fic is abandoned, and what do you know, the fic does (or doesn't) disappoint. And so as Mathias gets a creepy stalker who is still more likeable than he is, Adrian continues being an entity that exists and we all pretend to be impressed by the guy that we've never heard of before we bid a fond farewell to The Shining Jewels of America. And remember, it's not cheating if the entire system is set up to support the guy who does it.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 497 - Shining Jewels of America, chapters 3-4

Episode 497: Shining Jewels of America, chapters 3-4

Were you having sex dreams about Full Frontal again?

Meet Mister and Mrs Winns. They're both veteran Gundam fighters who have built up an entertainment empire that exists entirely to benefit the pair of them. It means that they can sit back, relax and absolve themselves of all responsibly for their son being a toxic jackarse all the time. And so as they sip margaritas and foster Matthias' personal problems on a pair of complete strangers, we engage in yet another round of boring filler Gundam fights, because that's what this fic is really about. So once again it's time to get your overly long list of Gundam parts and tour recycled reader-submitted OC for another segment of Shining Jewels of America. Still 100% jewel-free, shining or otherwise

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 496 - Shining Jewels of America, chapters 1-2

Episode 496: Shining Jewels of America, chapters 1-2

His Gundam hit her Gundam which punched his Gundam in the Gundam before she Gudamned his Gundam with a Gumdam Gundam bacon baked beans and Gundam.

Meet Mathias Winns. He's an aggressively unlikeable jerk who is actively hostile to the people around him, carries himself with a sense of perpetual entitlement, hates the idea of other people having fun and has an unhealthy relationship with his Gundam. That's right, it's another Gundam Build Fighters fic that keeps the proud (?) traditions of those that have come before it going. It’s a fic about a trio of people who less are a team and more are in a mutually loathsome arrangement that none of them are willing to leave, but that's okay because one of them is barely there anyway. So it's time to deliberately sabotage your teammates and wrestle an alligator* for the first part of The Shining Jewels of America.

*Sadly this does not happen

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 495 - Guns and Roses, chapters 8-11

Episode 495: Guns and Roses, chapters 8-11

You're in the middle of a citywide gang war, but cake is what's important

In this exciting portion of Guns and Roses, Ambrose Leigh Rivera DeFizz sends out birthday invites and tries to appeal to the better nature of an obviously unstable vengeance-fuelled madman. She also has a dramatic confrontation with her ex, a moment that is completely undercut by our having no clue at all who he is nor having any real reason to care. On top of that the boss also has a confrontation with his ex that we don't know or care about either, so at least the fic is giving us the option which is nice, I guess. So it’s time to throw a party and threaten an innocent bystander with a gun for the final chunk of Guns and Roses. This is the improved version!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 494 - Guns and Roses, chapters 5-7

Episode 494: Guns and Roses, chapters 5-7

I can feel a good old ‘Suck it up, Princess’ coming on.

The Spectres have launched a devastating attack on the Saints and have taken control of half of Steelport. In response to this threat, the Boss continues to make kissy faces at Amber while she infodumps her entire life story and plays a pointless guessing game. That right, it's time for more of this, and the fic is not going to hold back in giving you more than you could have ever wanted of the world's two dumbest and horniest people staring blankly at each other while regurgitating text. I mean, there might be some other stuff going on, but none of it actually matters because it's not them. So get your RC possessor, your stupid prototype gun and chunky block exposition for the second part of Guns and Roses. It contains all you need to know about Venezuela!*

*It does not.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 493 - Guns and Roses, chapters 1-4

Episode 493: Guns and Roses, chapters 1-4

We kissed in a dark box with a vial of corrosive gas hooked up to a Geiger Counter, so I can’t tell if it happened or not.

It’s a lovely day in Steelport; the sun is shining, the sea is calm and a horde of attack helicopters and armed vehicles are converging on one point in downtown. Who are these mysterious attackers? Well to be honest it doesn’t matter one bit as they’re basically going to be effortlessly trashed as backstory to set up the fic’s romantic arc. That’s right, it’s the adventures of two incredibly dumb and incredibly horny people who’s immediate thoughts in the middle of a raging gunfight is ‘hey, they’re kinda hot.’ That’s all there is to this fic and we're only just getting started. So get your multi-organisation, your tacky tattoos and Jiffy the llama for Guns and Roses. This fic is re-edited!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 480 - A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

Episode 480: A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

They won't be as happy when Egypt is over-run by Triffids.

In order to end world hunger, the Sagara Foundation has developed a radical plan to transform vast swathes of lifeless desert wasteland into fertile farms. What does this have to do with the rest of the story? Nothing at all, actually, but the fic wastes a huge chunk of time on it no less, which I'll take since its not more descriptions of people playing video games. Still there is a chunk of that as some very stupid people take part in a nonsense battle for no apparent reason and are saved because only one person has a few basic ideas. So get your orbital killsat and your non-explosive catapult for the final part of A Helping Hand. No, they're not helping in the slightest.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 479 - A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

Episode 479: A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

They want the experience to be as realistic as possible, which is why you can dress up as a Battletoad and climb Everest with Batman

Gunner33 is hot. She's also a creep who gets her laughs through harassing and intimidating others, but that’s entirety okay because she's hot. I only bring this up because these two points are going to be repeated ad infinitum throughout this next chunk of fic. But if you don’t want that you can have more of everyone vomiting about how amazing Sagara is instead, and I don’t know which is worse. So, grab your light cycle and your generic shonen protagonist apparel for the next portion of A Helping Hand. They’re not helping, really.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 478 - A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Episode 478: A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Ready player one is the loneliest number

Meet Captain Sagara! Who’s Captain Sagara, you may ask? Well don’t worry, because everyone in the universe will talk him up at every single occasion throughout the entirety of the fic. So if you want to know how amazing he is, how wealthy he is, how he’s the best at everything, how he forces all of his suborndinates to dress just like him and his incredibly creepy relationship with his foster sister, this is the fic for you. So get your standard issue sword, your standard issue headband and your standard issue overbearing machismo posturing for A Helping Hand. And remember, sick girl equals morality.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 469 - Turtles' Big Sister, Chapters 2-3

 Episode 469: Turtles' Big Sister, Chapters 2-3

Her father was kidnapped by hideous brain aliens, but she’s fine now

It’s time for more of the amazing adventures of Pepper, the cat-headed goddess who defines all of existence and without whom we have no meaning. In this exciting pair of chapters, you'll be glued to your seat as Pepper rolls her eyes, lectures people, rolls her eyes, beats up bad guys, rolls her eyes, is completely insufferable at all times and is praised for it, rolls her eyes, is vaguely racist and then, as a break, rolls her eyes some more. Yes, its an utterly thrilling adventure here in the next segment of Turtles’ Big Sister, so you better buckle up and enjoy it. Or else Pepper will roll her eyes at you.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 468 - Turtles' Big Sister, Profile and Chapter 1

Episode 468: Turtles' Big Sister, Profile and Chapter 1

Pepper has spoken! Her word is law!

Meet Pepper. Don’t worry if you have no idea who she is, as the fic will open with a ten-page infodump giving every detail about her appearance, the clothes she always wears, how she ranks her siblings, her long list of enemies, her favourite burrowing mammal and her thoughts on classical Chinese literature. And if you get through all of that you might just care about the fic which consists of regurgitated scripts with Pepper crudely added into them like some sort of Lucas recut. So get ready to enter the Pepperverse for Turtles Big Sister. Really, the entire premise is there in the title.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 463 - After Cybertron, chapters 5-7

Episode 463: After Cybertron, chapters 5-7

He qualified for being a Spectre by running through a maze, ringing a bell and getting a piece of cheese

Now that Optimus Prime has had his regular round of dying and coming back to life, we can get back to what this fic is really about; that’s right, introducing characters. But this part of After Cybertron gives us an extra special treat! Not just do we have more random pointless Transformers in random pointless side-plots, but we also get to meet the author’s totally amazing, incredibly original OC complete with getting his tragic backstory dumped on us in the most awkward way possible. So get your cyberarm and your useless alt-mode for the last portion of After Cybertron! Also Shepard is in this, but you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 451 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 11-12

Episode 451: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 11-12

He’d overcome his two greatest enemies but, most importantly, he’d defeated some nameless guys who we’d never seen before and had nothing to do with anything.

After endless hours of piano lessons, strip mall Karate dojo classes, Canadian university entrance exams and really, really awkward dates, we did it. We got to the end of the fic. But Jack’s greatest challenge still lies ahead; school prom. What limo will he go in? Will he have the chicken or the beef? And will his tux clash badly with his date’s dress? Oh, and there’s also some stuff about fighting some guy called Lynx for the fate of the entire internet, but it’s really not that important. So get your corsage and your best Halo gun for the actual conclusion of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. Guest staring David Miranda and Krystle Levesque and her boyfriend Scott!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 450 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 9-10

Episode 450: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 9-10

It’s not that this happened earlier in the chapter. It’s that we recapped this happening earlier in the chapter... earlier in this chapter.

Well, it’s time for the ultimate showdown between Jack and Lynx for control of the entire OASIS. After that, nothing will... wait what? There’s still three and a half chapters to go after that? And Tridosk is still in the fic? I mean, you’d think it would be over now given that it reached its logical conclusion and all that. Um, I suppose we could have some strip-mall Karate lessons or some phone meetings or even more creeping on that one girl Mark likes or something. Geez, I don’t know. Anyway, here’s the next part of Ready Player One, the Adventures of Jack. It’s like the longest and dullest postscript ever.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 449: Ready Player One - The Adventures of Jack, chapters 7-8

Episode 449: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 7-8

So Amira is putting Mark in contact with a buff shirtless guy to get him to ‘loosen up’. I have a lot of concerns about this.

Meet Akira. She’s the head of programming for the entire OASIS. She created a trio of world-altering Easter eggs, implemented them and then went live with them without letting her bosses knowing. And now rather than being fired for her brute stupidity, she’s been given free reign to come up with solutions to her own mess that will actively make things worse. Meanwhile, the idea of just banning the one guy causing all their problems never occurs to anyone even though they already said they could do it. So get your spare nuclear weapon and go to the world’s wost guidance councillor for the next chunk of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. Now with green tea.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 448 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 5-6

Episode 448: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 5-6

So in short, Mark is quiet and reserved and can’t talk to girls, and turns into a complete ragemonster online. I foresee a SWAT team in his future.

The action just leaps off the page in this, the next part of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. You’ll be on the edge of your seat as our protagonist works on an English assignment for high school, practices the piano and does the laundry. Will he separate the colours properly? Will he use the right detergent? Will he correctly set the washing machine? The answers to these questions will shock you as you grapple with the insane twists this fic throws your way! So get your coffee from the coffee shop, mow the lawn, do the dishes and maybe engage in some light gardening for more of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. It’s so exciting, you’ll want to wash the car!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 447 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 3-4

Episode 447: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 3-4

They were the terrors of Club Penguin

Meet Lynx. He’s a hacker, troll and griefer, and more to the point, admits these things right in the face of the people who own the OASIS. So instead of immediately slapping him with a lifetime ban, they instead enable him and help him to find the Easter Eggs that will only further his destructive habits. Yep, it’s all good decisions all the way down here as Jack and his simulations of friends continue their quest to perform mundane challenges that aren’t actually challenging for poorly defined rewards. So type in some fake Linux commands and click your mouse for the next part of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. I’m in!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.