Episode 471 - Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 3-4

Episode 471: Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 3-4

PPS, the Roboskull is real, lives on the dark side of the moon and is coming for you

We join our hero, Harry Potter the boy wizard as he leads a covert strike against a group of revolutionaries aimed at breaking up an arms deal that ends with him achieving a double-digit bodycount. Now you might be staggered at that idea, but trust me, it’s far from the stupidest part of the fic. Instead, we're treated to the sheer magic (joke not intended) that its Lily Potter's insane paranoid manifesto which will no doubt end with the revelation that Dumbledore is a lizard person. So grab your name-band firearms, your hardened milspec laptop and your hall pass for the second half of Harry Potter the G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone. Also trust nobody, filter your water, and never leave home without your tinfoil hat.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 470 - Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 1-2

Episode 470: Harry Potter and G.I. Joe: The Philosopher's Stone, Chapters 1-2

If this ends with G.I. Joe in court fighting for custody of Harry Potter, then this fic it will all be worth it

It’s rare that a fic gives you its entire premise in the title, but yet when you’ve got one called Harry Potter and G.I. Joe, you should probably know exactly what to expect. Even then, you’ll probably end up being surprised when Scarlett (heart-shaped face, high cheekbones, emerald green eyes, copper-red hair) decides that she’s going to move heaven and earth for a boy that she has only just met and who has spent all that time unconscious. So while everyone is shocked that two redheads exist in the world and the Dursleys suffer grisly deaths we’ll be describing characters’ clothes in stupidly elaborate detail for the first portion of Harry Potter and G.I. Joe. Features a bulldog and/or Dreadnok!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 465 - Birds of Prey

Episode 465: Birds of Prey

Turns out international terrorism is just her day job. Necromancy is her real passion.

Having been fired from his job as a high-tech international terrorist, Wild Weasel is looking for work and a shot at redemption. Fortunately, the team of Predatory Cougar, Junior Birdman and the Mothra Twins are hiring, looking for a pilot for their giant robot bird fortress. And so, with nothing better to do (and because it wouldn’t be much of a fic otherwise) he signs up and is thus pulled into possibly the stupidest and most overly elaborate revenge plot ever. So get your metal wings, your hand-held mini-jets, your magic amulet and possessed skull for Birds of Prey. Featuring the guy with the bird. No, not that one. The other one.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 454 - Snakes in MegaTokyo

Episode 454: Snakes in MegaTokyo

Eyewitnesses reported two heavily armed soldiers wearing the uniforms of a known terrorist organisation carrying an unconscious man off before loading him into a black jet fighter that then flew away, but we don’t think there’s a connection

In a break from the usual killer robot rampages, MegaTokyo is instead attacked by evil snake-themed terrorists as a part of their plan to sell action figures. Fortunately, the Knight Sabers are there to deal with a tense hostage situation by going in all guns blazing and dispensing justice with a series of crotch kicks, but things still go horribly wrong despite this brilliant plan. Will Sylia escape the clutches of Cobra? Will Mackie remember the proper clean-up procedures at work? Will Rick ever make a second Grand Mal joke? As you ponder these matters, grab yourself a stolen uniform and can of Uncle Wilikins Grape Soda for Snakes in MegaTokyo. It’s the most eighties crossover you can think of!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 395 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 26-28

Episode 395: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 26-28

Alright, all the constant door handle instructions have been leading to this moment!


Seven years. Just keep repeating that figure in your heard as you read through this, the last (but by no means final) part of Shadow of a Phoenix. So what does the fic have to show for itself after so long? Well the answer is not much, really. In this, its dying breaths, we get an uninteresting interview with a corporate executive, an elevator ride and god-awful interior décor. And that’s it. No conclusion, no resolution, no nothing. And yet, this fic being itself, it still takes forever to get nowhere. So it’s time to get your 5mm grid paper and your loot sack then sit in your office alone and drink all day for this, the unepic unconclusion to Shadow of a Phoenix.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 394 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 22-25

Episode 394: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 22-25

He’d wound up wasting a fortune on a ninja consultant who’d done nothing but spout buzzwords before vanishing in a cloud of smoke.


In this chunk of Shadow of a Phoenix, Midnight’s Shadow can’t sleep, and an arms dealer has an over-designed lobby. And that’s it. For four chapters. In a fic that took seven years to write. Seven years. And so as Kate Moon rolls over in her bed and stares at the ceiling in real time, I want you to think about that and ask yourself what the hell was the point of all this, because I have nothing at all. Me, I’ll be off critiquing the interior decor, because that’s by far and away the most interesting part of the whole fic. So get a tattoo for your shirt and sit in the waiting room for the unending unamazing unadventure that is Shadow of a Phoenix.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 393 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 18-21

Episode 393: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 18-21

Lateral thinking I Spy is the best way to play.

After about six dozen chapters of sitting around and moping, the plot of Shadow of a Phoenix finally inches forwards a little bit as we discover a smidgen about Midnight’s Shadow’s past and just how stupid her name actually is. Naturally, this causes the plot to then grind to a halt as the GI Joe team check into a hotel. Yes, the fic is that exciting, folks. I mean, her father is a clearly unhinged weapons designer and she’s on the run from a supertech terrorist force, but nope, hallway carpet is what this fic is most concerned with. I mean, the bulk of this chunk of fic could be skipped over, but nooo… We have to get every last excruciating detail of the most mundane of things. Ahem. So sit back and try not to fall asleep as we slip into the next four chapters of Shadow of a Phoenix. Now with added character development!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 392 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 14-17

Episode 392: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 14-17

She’s becoming introspective about her introspection. Any more navel-gazing and we’re going to collapse into a superdense black hole of brooding.

When you’re running a top secret supertech multinational covert task force, you need to be very careful about who you recruit into your ranks. For example, you wouldn’t take in an alleged amnesiac who has apparently spent their life living off the grid and doesn’t even know their own name. However, since this is a fanfic the GI Joe team naturally unquestioningly take in Midnight’s Shadow despite the fact that they have no idea who she is and only her word about a thing she says. Naturally everybody is okay with this, except for Midnight Shadow herself who whines about every last little thing to the people who are being nice to her and giving her an unparalleled opportunity. Throw in a game of charades and something that might pass for a clothes shopping montage and you have the next immobile lump of Shadow of a Phoenix.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 391 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 9-13

Episode 391: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 9-13

To the ninjatorium!

In this section of Shadow of a Phoenix, our designated heroine, Midnight’s Shadow, faces the toughest decision of her life, one that could affect her entire future and where lives hang in the balance. That’s right, she tries to decide what she wants to buy from a vending machine. And yes, the fic plays this for as much drama as possible. Which, by the way, seems to now be her character in a nutshell as she strives to make every last little thing as overwrought as possible. Also she joins a top-secret multinational supertech task force and engages in a training montage, as well as being faced with the very real threat of having to fight a ninja, but all that seems somewhat irrelevant next to her wangst. So grab some pretzels (spoilers, sorry) for the next meandering chunk of Shadow of a Phoenix.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 390 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 5-8

Episode 390: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 5-8

Another sad victim of sudden onset decapitation

If you thought that Shadow of a Phoenix was just going to be a girl sitting in a room and brooding then be prepared to be proven wrong. For in this next chunk of fic, she sits around in a car and then a plane and broods! How’s that for a plot twist? Furthermore, rather than just being dragged around the arm by one guy, she instead meets a bunch of people who genuinely want to help her and are concerned for her wellbeing. Naturally, she’s as hostile towards them as possible, because that seems like a sensible thing to do. But it is progress of a sort, and in this fic I’ll be willing to take any I can get. So plug in your iPod and drown out the sound of elite supertech covert teams clashing with your own wangst for the next portion of Shadow of a Phoenix.

(Thanks a heap, Karin)


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 389 - Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 1-4

Episode 389: Shadow of a Phoenix, chapters 1-4

Memory loss could lead to your not remembering things.

An amnesiac woman wakes up in a mysterious room with no idea where she is or how she got there. No, it’s not the pitch for yet another action TV series, but rather the opening of our newest fictive odyssey. Having learned that she’s one of the world’s deadliest fighters, our heroine takes advantage of her skills by basically letting people lead her around simply because they grabbed her arm. Then again, given that her name is Midnight’s Shadow, I suppose a certain level of drippiness is expected. Throw in a Korean Ninja and a steampunk cosplayer and you have the first chunk of Shadow of a Phoenix, a fic that was six years in the making. Let that last part sink in, because you’re here for the long haul.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 297 - The Ultimate Crime

Episode 297: The Ultimate Crime

Join us next week as Cobra Commander ruins Christmas!

In the world of colourful plastic army man supervillainy, there is always the idea of an “Ultimate” crime, an act so evil that it would surpass all others and make them pale by comparison. And if you ever wondered what might constitute such an act, your answer probably wouldn’t be ‘stealing a single week’s print run of a low-selling borderline cancelled comic.’ However, that would be the answer in this case. And, after such a heinous crime, it is up to the brave chaps in Action Force to risk life and limb to retrieve a pile of stolen funny books for Queen and country or some other such nonsense. It’s banal, it’s inane and it’s at a level of plot hole that actively feeds back on itself in some sort of metafictional mobius loop that will make you cry when you realise that somebody was paid to write this. I know I did.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 271 - Waiting in the Rain

Episode 271: Waiting in the Rain

Sure, they may be dangerous high-tech terrorists, but they do have fun.

Who is Hero and why is the entire GI Joe team utterly fascinated by her every single action to the point of excluding everything else? Well, if you’re looking for an answer, then you came to the wrong place. However, if you are looking for coffee, ninjas, flash floods and the thrilling revelation that eyes come in different colours (I know, I was shocked too!) then Waiting in the Rain is the non-linear sequence of words for you! As Cobra Commander unleashes his evil plan to use a thing to do a thing (No, it doesn't get any clearer then that) it’s up to our hero, um, Hero, to save the day, balance apples and be a walking enigma that sucks in all around it much like a bipedal black hole, leaving innumerable questions unanswered. Key among them being what exactly it is that you feed a bobcat anyway.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 266 - Death in South America, parts 4-6

Episode 266: Death in South America, parts 4-6

Hitler; the baddie you use when you just don’t care anymore.

If you want a story about people dying in South America, then this funny picture weekly is for you. However, if you want plot, pacing, direction, characterization, believably or villains that have any motivation, goals or plans beyond just "they're bad guys" then you're plum out of luck, old chap. Instead, watch as Eagle, Major Bludd, The Baroness and Beanie Guy do battle with cardboard villains in the name of saving the world from a threat so bad that nobody ever bothers to explain what exactly it is. Throw in a forced ending and you have the second half of the linear series of illustrated panels that is Death in South America!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 261 - Death in South America, parts 1-3

Episode 261: Death in South America, parts 1-3

When he thinks nobody's looking, Bruno likes to dress mops up as prisoners and pretend to interrogate them. It's kind of sad, actually.

Just your average, everyday routine training exercise for an evil secretive supertech terrorist organization with quasi-religious snake-themed symbology. You don't expect anything to happen, and you certainly don't expect your team to be wiped out by indistinct black blobs. But yet, that's exactly what happens in this Boy's Own Funny Picture Book about our lads at war and plastic army men. Soon, grizzled mercenary warrior-poet Major Bludd (His first name does indeed appear to be 'major') and crack commando Eagle, (plus some other guy), are taken prisoner by a mysterious enemy who's true identity will shock you with how dumb it is! Can they escape multiple times? Will Travis and his mustache survive the deadly ambush? Do Red Shadows like coffee? There may not be answers to any of these questions, but there will be lots of death, and it is in South America to boot!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 257 - Brother Hunters

Episode 257: Brother Hunters

Of course! That makes perfect sense. I’m glad they gave such a rational and sensible explanation, because I was worried that it might be something silly.

Fanfiction is a fantastic thing because, through it, you can explore elements that aren't normally found in the canon. Such as, what if Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were actual brothers? And what if not only that, but they were actually secret ninja werecat brothers? No, even better, secret telepathic ninja werecat brothers! And what if Snake was also a unique, super-special secret telepathic ninja werecat in addition to all else? And what if Scarlett was also a secret telepathic ninja werecat but didn't know it because she's a different sort of super-special secret telepathic ninja werecat? And what if you just wrote your own original story because this has nothing at all to do with the source material anyway?

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 244 - Showdown in San Rivera, chapters 7-12

Episode 244: Showdown in San Riviera, chapters 7-12

This whole thing feels like some eighties action film. And I mean a bad one, likely starring Dolph Lundgren and shot in some place with dubious safety laws.

As the battle for San Rivera continues, the situation heats up as the intrepid task force sent to do something (No idea what) manage to find new ways to get themselves killed. Against this grim situation, there is a single light of hope against the oppressive forces of Baron Ironblood and his minions, Black Scarab, Red Scorpion, Blue Donkey and Purple Monkey Dishwasher. That’s right, it’s Agent Seizure; video store clerk by day and high-tech urban terrorist by night. Armed only with a chainsaw riot shield and his strict late return policy, Seizure fights the fight to liberate San Rivera’s absurdly spacious sewers! And as the final conflict approaches, many questions will be asked. Principally they’ll be about what’s going on in the fic, as I have no idea. If you do, please let me know.

Warning: Fic may contain traces of Action Force.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Rick R.

Episode 237 - Showdown in San Riviera, chapters 1-6

Episode 237: Showdown in San Riviera, chapters 1-6

My name is Inigyo Montoya. You killed my donkey. Prepare to die

When revolution comes to the generic fictional South American nation of San Martino, the UN responds in the best way it can. That’s right, sending in a team of generic guys that nobody cares about who all promptly die horribly of their own ineptitude while attempting to fulfil some nebulously defined mission with no discernable goals. But what is the insidious plan of Baron Ironblood and his minions, Renegade Shepard, Colossus and Red Laser (who is Japanese) and why does he want this one non-existent nation? Actually, we have no idea, and the fic doesn’t give us a clue. What it does give us, however, is a strangely compelling video store clerk and the deadliest anti-personnel weapon ever devised: A donkey.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Rick R.