Episode 457 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 7-8

Episode 457: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 7-8

Scene of Batman punching rats omitted for time

In this chunk of fanfiction-like object, Batman takes a break from saving the Galaxy from a poorly defined threat to brush his teeth, cook dinner, play minigames and collect trophies. Yes, it’s side quests galore as our story grinds to a halt, punctuated only by long, drawn-out fight scenes and, as a change, a flashback to another long drawn-out fight scene and then the promise of some more long, drawn-out fight scenes to come. So get your collectables, your rat funnels and your dead robot for the final portion of Batman the Future Knight. Oh, and there might also be some person called Shepard or something. I dunno. They’re probably not important.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 456 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 5-6

Episode 456: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 5-6

Whenever I see a fuel pump and a robot, I immediately think ‘voice synthesizer.’ It’s just common sense.

We’ve seen a lot of stupid things in these fics so far, but this one takes the cake. For not only does this chunk of Batman: the Future Knight have a boss fight complete with game mechanics, but it also has the boss’ health bar in the text which diminishes with each attack Batman makes, and keeps this going for a not insubstantial amount of text. But it’s not just all fighting bad guys, as in this chapter, Batman cooks dinner, watches funny cat videos and attends an office meeting where he awards the employee of the month!* So head on down to the local dung-filled peasant village and beat up a supermarket full of raiders for the next chunk of Batman: the Future Knight. Now with noodles!

*This actually happens.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 455 - Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 1-4

Episode 455: Batman: the Future Knight, chapters 1-4

I’m just saying that if we cut to Garrus chopping wood outside his cabin and talking about being pulled back in for one more job, this fic will be totally worth it

After a long career of beating up goons in Gotham City, Batman is frozen in ice. Waking up a century and a half later in a strange new world, he immediately goes back to beating up goons, and proceeds to do such for the rest of the fic. Fortunately for him there is a massive interstellar corporation sitting around waiting just in case something like this happens so they can throw piles of new gear at him to better enable the aforesaid goon beatdowns. So get your Rec and your electric smoke bombs for Batman: the Future Knight. It’s so good you’ll want to hide out in your secret bunker underneath your other secret bunker!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 428 - Tale of the Nighthawk, chapters 4-7

Episode 428: Tale of the Nighthawk, chapters 4-7

And so they did their ties long into to the night. And as the Earth span slowly and the stars grew cold, still there they were, trying to get her tie right.

Get your wildly inappropriate school bell ready because it’s time for more fast-paced action in Tale of the Nighthawk. And what a tale we have for you! Thrill as a schoolgirl gets stared at! Gasp in shock as she learns to do up her tie! And who could be seated during the awesome tickle fight? Yes, all this and texting! We’ve got absolutely none of the excitement that you expect from a The Batman fic, but we’re going to follow this cast around until we can figure out why! And in and shocking twist that you’ll never see coming, Batman almost appears in a The Batman fanfic! It’s the Tale of the Nighthawk, but we don’t know why!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 426 - Washed Up City

Episode 426: Washed Up City

When your hostage is more worried about watering her potplants than you, you’ve probably done something wrong.

After his father is exploded in a nuclear reactor accident, young Darren Dylan Hendrix gains water powers because it’s a superhero story and that’s how things work. Armed with these new abilities he decides to pursue and creep on one girl, even though she is a plant-based ecoterrorist and wanted by the law, but that doesn’t seem to bother him any. Armed with his new powers, an elaborately over-designed hazmat suit and a giggle-worthy nickname, Waterspout might even find time from annoying his fake girlfriend to find who was behind his father’s death. But don’t bet on it. Throw in the obligatory Arkham breakout and a few spare origin stories and you have the chunk of fiction that is Washed Up City.

PS: Batgirl fic coming soon

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 420 - Tale of the Nighthawk, chapters 1-3

 Episode 420: Tale of the Nighthawk, chapters 1-3

Thank you, grossly out-of-place comedic school bell. You are a rock of normalcy in this madhouse.

Folks, it’s time for another The Batman fic. And we know what The Batman fics are all about right? That’s right, neckties and omelettes! Wait, they’re not? You meant that Batman’s usually in a The Batman fic? Well, I guess there’s Alfred and Dick, and someone called Bruce if you look really hard. But mostly there’s Jill. Who’s Jill you ask? Well, we’re not really sure. She might have a backstory and may have lost someone or another (really, we’re not sure), but what we do know is that she has a phone and she likes to text. So buckle in while we take a plane, ride in a limo and eventually go to school in the non-stop, action packed epic that is The Tale of the Nighthawk.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 387 - The Death Games, chapters 20-22

Episode 387: The Death Games, chapters 20-22

Awww, it’s so sweet. [Pause] I tried to kill him many times.

Well, this is it. The final showdown you’ve all been waiting for. It’s been a long road here, what with all the lounging around, the talking about people hooking up and the almost-but-not-quite life-threatening peril. With the façade of the games torn down in a vague semblance of a reveal, our hero is up against the vilest creature in, well, maybe in this particular neighbourhood. That’s right, Ki makes his dramatic move! His past with one particular guy we’ve heard of a couple of times is revealed! Of course, this shapes the entire situation in ways that haven’t even been hinted at before, but that’s The Death Games, baby. Facing down the vile soul-sucker alone, unaided, and with nobody but the entire assembled Justice League to call on, we can only wait to see what becomes of our hero: Eggs-Over-Easy boy.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 334 - The Death Games, chapters 7-9

Episode 334: The Death Games, chapters 7-9

Well I volunteered to go participate in this grisly child murder spectacle for the pleasure of some enigmatic alien overlords, but apart from that? Peachy.

The time has arrived to begin the pageantry of honour, glory and lists of colours that is the Death Games... almost! Before our cast of very-nearly characters can get around to killing each other for the entertainment of the monochrome aliens, there's a few things that need to be done. Interviews! Training! Scores! Dream sequences! Breakfast! Staring longingly at some girl you've just met! That's right, it's a busy time for our monosyllabic contenders from their overly-descriptive planets as they go through possibly familiar scenes from a certain teen lit series while talking about the one girl who has a backstory and how perfect she is. So get your alien popcorn ready because it's almost nearly quite close to being time to start The Death Games!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 321 - The Death Games, chapters 4-6

Episode 321: The Death Games, chapters 4-6

On my planet, we stab people with bananas. Our bananas are sharp.

It's time to meet our contestants! Buzz-Cut Boy, Intelligent on Plants Girl and Possibly Psychic Girl! They've all been chosen to partake in this year's the The Death Games! Come see them and other favourites such as Pink Girl from the planet Pink, Punk Girl from the planet Punk and Scarred Boy from the Planet Scar as they eat breakfast and flounce around in their pyjamas! But that's not all! Guy Who Likes Zabanya, Guy Who Dies First and Guy we Can't Think Of Anything To Say About are here to train with a random assortment of weapons, not hold hands and generally just kind of be there! All this while Mysterious Girl is mysterious and Nightwing gets a makeover! It's non-stop, oddly-familiar excitement in The Death Games!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 311 - The Death Games, chapters 1-3

Episode 311: The Death Games, chapters 1-3

My name is Eggs-Over-Easy Boy, I'm 18 years old and I'm from the planet Eggs-Over-Easy.

He must have Eggs-Over-Easy powers.

Happy Hunger Death games! Every year, the Capital Alien invaders select a tribute from each of the twelve districts planets to compete for glory. This year, District Twelve Earth sends the heroic young Katniss Everdeen Nightwing who volunteered to save her sister his adoptive brother. She He travels to the far off Captial Imperial Star Destroyer under the direction of the powerful game makers alien overlords Ki, Ga and Wo to meet a variety of colourful competitors from other districts worlds. And while she he will make deadly enemies, Katniss Nightwing will also find an alliance, and possibly more, with Peeta Phoenix Shadow. If you love Battle Royale Hunger Games Avengers Arena Girl on Fire the latest generic teen lit phenomenon derivative fanfic that's basically crossing out the words and replacing them with new ones scrawled in crayon, then this is the fic for you!


Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 304 - Dreamstar and the Court Of Dreams: The Gathering of Dreams, chapter 7 and The Dark Warrior

Episode 304: Dreamstar and the Court Of Dreams: The Gathering of Dreams, chapter 7 and The Dark Warrior

Sure she stripped him, drugged him, revealed his secret identity and broke into his hideout, but she wrote him a note afterwards, and that's what matters.

A mysterious new vigilante has come to Gotham city, vexing Batman at every turn. Everywhere she goes, questions follow in her wake. Where does she come from? What does she want? Who thought the Dark Warrior was a good codename anyway? Why is she wearing high heels? And why is she sniffing Batman's underwear? Even Batman's advanced investigation technique of asking her the same question over and over again cannot prevail. Still, there's villains to fight (for some reason) a party to attend (for even less reason) and a model to woo who is TOTALLY NOT THE SECRET IDENTITY OF THE DARK WARRIOR SO STOP ASKING ALREADY. There may also be magical girls, some ancient scrolls, and a bad-arse drill sergeant cat, but definitely not Tim.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 293 - Girl on Fire, chapters 19-21

Episode 293: Girl on Fire, chapters 19-21

Further to previously published findings, a new, independent study based on emerging research methods confirms once more that fire is hot.

The finale is upon us and the Injustice League's nefarious plan is finally unveiled! What? It's not? Then what was their plan anyway? What about the robot, was that them? Wait, you forgot the robot? How about Phoenix's amazing transformation? Or was that just going to happen anyway? Fine. Well they've got her in their clutches, so now it's time to... Bicker? Wait, do they really not know what they're doing? We've come to far to stick the landing now. This is the end! There's no more Girl on Fire after this, so you'll have to get your act together and... What? She's gone? Great. Terrific. Just... I don't know, have a big showdown and be done with it. Makes you wonder why we bothered in the first place

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 287: Girl on Fire, chapters 16-18

Episode 287: Girl on Fire, chapters 16-18

News flash! Local woman makes bold statement that fire is indeed hot.

The long running superhero epic The Girl On Fire rockets rapidly towards its staggering conclusion!

Actually, no. No, it doesn't. Much like its overblown cast, it seems to just stand around for a while (in its underwear), pretty much unsure of what to do while it rehashes old plot points (both of them) and repeats itself a few more times. All pains are taken to make sure that nobody does anything (except Phoenix) and that everybody is put out of action (except Phoenix) while they all get filled in on an improbable origin story (except Black Flame - wait, when did he get here?). So join our heroes (?) for... Um, not really much... If you want to... Actually, I'm sure you've got better things to do than take part in The Girl On Fire. The fic certainly doesn't.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 284 - Justice X

Episode 284: Justice X

Oh great, Sparkle Girl's hogging the teacher.

From the Hall of Justice and Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters comes an epic tale of… Well, not much, really. Actually, we’re not even sure what the Hall of Justice has to do with this; it just had “Justice League/X-Men Crossover” on the nameplate and mentioned the Wonder Twins, but that’s about it. What it does have however is Rebekah Wayne (AKA Sparkle Girl), vaguely related to some guy called Bruce (nobody important). Possibly a Mutant or a Bang Baby, she has the power to distort characterization and generate a black hole of attention from which no plotline can escape. So join Wolverine, Wonder Woman, Professor X, Detective Ellen Yin (who?) and Katherine Xavier nobody else that matters as they stand mutely in witness of Sparkle Girl vs The Wonder Twins!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 279 - Midnight, chapters 2-3

Episode 279: Midnight, chapters 2-3

That Midnight! So weird and creepy and casually homicidal and all! What a laugh!

Despite her many claims, the word ‘villainous’ might not be the best choice to describe Midnight. Better ones might be ‘inane,’ ‘repetitive’, ‘annoying’ and ‘cheesy.’ It’s certainly what hard-bitten, grizzled, tough-as-nails psychiatrist Doctor Brain Brian Flowers is going to put on her evaluation before he recommends dosing her up to the eyeballs and throwing away the key. But that’s okay, because since Arkham Asylum’s a fun and interesting place where mentally ill serial killers are allowed to wander freely, socialize in the common areas and never once suffer the consequences of their actions, so Midnight’s free to bug the ever-living crap out of anyone who’s dumb enough to listen to her. Plus add in a situation which none of the six dozen members of the Bat-Family are able to deal with for no real reason and supervillain human resources, and you get something that might pass for a fanfic in bad light. It’s like Girl on Fire, only without the charm, wit, sophistication and loveable characters!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 277 - Girl on Fire, chapters 14-15

Episode 277: Girl on Fire, chapters 14-15

We'll be over here, not doing anything.

The Girl On Fire has been compared to the famous thought experiment, Xeno's Paradox (You know, the one with the turtle and the arrow that somehow does not end in a shish kebab). Much like Xeno's arrow, every time the plot seems to progress, no matter how marginally, the ending always seems that little bit further away. And much like any good thought experiment, the fic has no resemblance to reality. What it does have is the answers to many questions such as "What exactly is 'the most oil companies' anyway," "Will Ghost Flame ever be an actual threat" and "Can Stephanie save everyone who's been easily rendered helpless on her own?" Actually, if you need that one answered, then the turtle is further away than we thought.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 276 - Midnight, chapter 1

Episode 276: Midnight, chapter 1

Midnight has all the balanced and reasonable powers of a five year-old crybaby playing shoot-em-up in the back yard

Writing a compelling and interesting villain protagonist is never easy, and making the audience cheer for them is even less so. And when your main motivation for doing such is ‘a friend double dog dared me to do it,’ then you know that the results are going to be painful. And so we have the tale of Midnight, a sixteen year old stripper try-hard supervillain whose master plan is to steal the first piece of junk she liberates from a museum and try to flog it to a pawn shop maybe. However, her laughable plan is stopped by some obscure superhero nobody’s ever heard of (“man bat” or something like that) which means that she needs to fall back on her array of contrived super powers to carry the day for injustice and petty theft. Oh, and also there’s something about a city-wide spree of people spontaneously turning into murderers. Maybe. But it’s probably not important anyway.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 267 - Girl on Fire, chapter 13

Episode 267: Girl on Fire, chapter 13

I also love sunrises, singing, Jenga, beef stew and greater proportions of unspecified subdivisions of oil companies.

It's that time again! Time for well-paced stories about developed and believable characters? Of course not, you fool; it's time for more Girl on Fire! And since our last chapter ended on a cliffhanger with the sudden intervention of the Injustice League (yes, they're actually in the fic), we have to make sure to maintain the momentum by... having a filler chapter. Yes folks, pacing goes out the window once more as we pack everyone off for a high school episode (type three - harassed by local bully) so we can meet Stephanie's two closest friends - whosie and whatsherface - and have them gush about how wonderful Stephanie is instead. That's right, it's more of the toad elevating action that you've come to dread from Girl on Fire!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 260 - Girl on Fire, chapters 11-12

Episode 260: Girl on Fire, chapters 11-12

She's been singing at this rowdy, grubby, frontier family restaurant, probably packed to the brim with
trappers and embittered prospectors since she was nine years old? And everyone's okay with this?

It's that time again! Time for superheroes to order dinner! Time to type out inane song lyrics! Time for the world's greatest heroes to stand around and do nothing while Phoenix is imperiled, kidnapped and saves everyone! That's right, it's time for more of everything you love about Girl on Fire. But this chapter is different. This chapter brings to light Phoenix's greatest, most dreaded weakness. A trap so complex, an item so fiendish, that you won't believe your eyes. No seriously, you won't believe it because it's just too ludicrous to comprehend. So amazingly brain-numbing that I can't even repeat it in the promo. You'll just have to find out in the latest installment of Girl on Fire!

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster

Episode 251 - Girl on Fire, chapters 9-10

Episode 251: Girl on Fire, chapters 9-10

"These people aren't ordinary," said the evil sorcerer to the demigod from ancient Egypt and the guy with a nuclear skull for a head..

Girl on Fire takes it up a notch as the plot arrives! That's right, it's only eight chapters in and we finally find out where the Injustice League (remember them?) are hiding, and what they've come to Moose Tailings, Alaska for. And for the terminally hard of thinking, it happens to be the only thing that matters in this fic - Jake's Bar and Grill. I mean Stephanie, the titular Girl on Fire, Robin's beloved, amazing fighter, tragic waif who can take a hit from a gorilla without flinching but tears up the very moment the existence of mothers is even hinted at. Fortunately, the Justice League is here to stand around and do nothing (again) while Robin and Phoenix fight off the villains (again). It's everything you've come to love about Girl on Fire, just with less doors and more inappropriately dressed teenagers.

Riffers: Dan, Maya Gold, Celena Harte and Tsuneo Tateo
Written by: Zogster