Episode 434 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 19-21

Episode 434: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 19-21

You know what, forget it. You two chuckleheads get the kitchen airborne, I’ll be over here drinking myself into oblivion.

It’s time to bid fond farewells to all your favourite characters such as Stark, Bruge, Remi, Remi’s Dad, Vald, Uziel, Tundra, Lexe, Krimson Krullos, General Automoose, Harris, Zephyr, Marcus, Zozos, Teal, Ferrel, Peterson, Euriphades, Thaemos, Katsults, Zartols, Simon, Heavy, Royal, Salle, Gerge, Velvette, Spiner, Zartols, Ms Keratin, Mr Barnon, Jo, The Spicy Threesome, AMD Double-Barrelled 30mm Beam Cannon and Kenji as we auger in the flaming wreckage of the fic. But even as it gives up the will to live it still manages to surprise us all by undercutting its entire premise in the final chapter in a plot twist that’s so stupid that you have to stop and think about all the elements that would need to come together to make it happen in the first place. So fly your underground bunker off into the sunset for the last part of the non-conclusion of Zoids Battle Saga. It’s got monkeys!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 433 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 16-18

Episode 433: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 16-18

Yeah, I mean we keep telling Jim not to pull of his face like a mask and strip the jailer naked, but there he goes again.

Years ago, Stark swore that he would get vengeance on the one man responsible for the destruction of his beloved peasant village. And now, after a dozen chapters of messing around, introducing pointless characters and side-plots that go nowhere, that day has arrived. Naturally of course the fic then completely fluffs it and instead brings in even more pointless characters, but if you’ve gotten this far you probably expect that by now. But what you really are here for is the tragic backstory of some random wandering desert lunatic and the hilariously named trio of incompetents who wander into the scene for the simple sake of it, as it’s by far the best part of the fic so far. So have some tea and North American-exclusive toy variants for the next section of Zoids Battle Saga. It’s… spicy.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 432 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 14-15

Episode 432: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 14-15

Do you want his actual story, or his feverish delusional story? Because fair warning, the second one is a lot more fun.

Remember when this fic was about Stark and his quest to do stuff? Me either, really. Now it’s about Tundra being evil and… no, wait, forget that. In fact, just forget Tundra full stop. Instead it’s about Ferrel Hawkins who is some wandering guy who goes around killing other guys for reasons we can only guess at. Or maybe it’s about Vald who, having spent eleven years staring at a hole in the ground has decided to move on with his life to be a blood-soaked killing machine. Or not, because who can tell anything at all with this fic? I know I can’t. So get comfy in your absurdly large base with a nice hot bowl of rock soup for the next segment of Zoids Battle Saga. It’s got stuff. We think.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 431 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 11-13

Episode 431: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 11-13

Your onomatopoeia is undercutting your drama

Life’s not easy for Kenji. There’s a girl he likes, he has problems with bullies at school and an abusive gym teacher, his parents are clearly in trouble and trying to hide it from him and there is a mysterious group who are trying to take over his peaceful home town. You might then ask, what does any of this have to do with the rest of the fic? That’s a very good question, actually, one to which it never provides anything that even remotely resembles an answer. But yet we have a huge block of it in the middle of the fic anyway for no real reason whatsoever. So guzzle some prune juice for the next chunk of Zoids Battle Saga. Now with less context!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 430 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 7-10

Episode 430: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 7-10

And so the evil empire attacked and saved us from Stark’s wangst. Thanks, evil Empire.

After eleven years of digging a hole in the desert, Vald has discovered a mysterious underground village populated by a previously civilisation. And while this was the single moment he had dedicated his entire life to, he’s also completely irrelevant to it. Instead it’s all about Stark, with him being presented to the magical exposition fairy who gives him both a generic quest and a McGuffin to help him along the way. In the meantime, Marcus does stuff, Tundra loses the plot and generic bad guys are generically evil, but to be honest, do you actually care about any of them? So steal some donuts for the second chunk of Zoids Battle Saga. Now with even more references to toy lines you’ve never heard of!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 429 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 1-6

Episode 429: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 1-6

That’s what we’ve been missing from our fic reviews. Long lists of what plastic toy dinosaur everybody has

Catastrophes have rendered Earth uninhabitable, and mankind’s only hope is a deep-space colonisation ship hurtling towards an unknown planet. But the sudden death of the captain has thrown the crew into chaos, putting the mission and the fate of humanity at risk. What will happen? Well it doesn’t matter as none of this has anything to do with the fic at all, but it’s all front-loaded in the infodump anyway. What it’s actually about is Stark the Generic Protagonist and his quest to fulfil a mystic destiny, which coincidentally, was also in the opening infodump. So grab yourself an old-timey prospector and look out for Shali-Halud (he whose passage makes the world) for the first part of Zoids Battle Saga. We’ll be here a while

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 299 - Chaos Lives and Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 16-18

Episode 299: Chaos Lives and Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 16-18

Kevin had been up all night, furiously polishing his dinosaur.

Legends tell of a mighty Zoid warrior, one who effortlessly crushed all contenders who rose to face them. A warrior who showed not the merest hint of concern for anything beyond their Zoid, not even to the very people who propped them up along every step of the way. A warrior who was a hero simply because the fic told you they were, rather then the raging sociopath that they obviously were. That Zoid Warrior was Kevin. Wait, what? You thought I meant Ami “Firecat” Nyan-Nyan-arama, didn’t you? Well the truth is that the description could apply to both of them, really. And just to prove that, we not only have the last chunk of Zoids Chapter Two, but also the final Kevin Fic ever! So decapitate your team-mates, argue over construction schedules, ignore the massive invasion that just tried to kill everyone you know and hold dear and congratulate yourself over being the best gosh darned whatever the hell it is that you are as not one but two fics come to an end. You’ll be amazed at how much alike they really are!

Hundreds died, by the way.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 298 - Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 12-15

Episode 298: Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 12-15

Whenever I’m in trouble, I always turn to the ghost of my dead brother’s giant robot cat. It always knows what to do.

After six dozen chapters of everyone congratulating Ami on her latest round of weaboo anime catgirl bullcrap, something amazing happens to the fic. That's right, a plot arrives. I know, it's a crazy thought and might be enough to cause the fic to be ruined forever, but bear with me here. Because the competition to determine the world's best Giant Plastic Robot Dinosaur fighter has begun, the Evil Backdraft Group make a thing that shoots boomerang lasers that cause Ami to turn into the same raging sociopathic monster that she's been all along. This has the net effect of causing filler fights to occur with people we've never heard of before and likely will never once care about again. In the meantime, Bit Cloud wangsts, Jamie gets decapitated and Brad flies so grossly out of character it would be funny if you weren't dying on the inside. So sit back and enjoy Zoids Chapter Two, Obligatory Tournament Arc, Ami is Kind of a Jerk.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 295 - Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 9-11

Episode 295: Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 9-11

"She's kinda creepy," says the girl with a surgically implanted mechanical tail.

What could be better then stupidly one-sided Zoid battles and everybody talking about how amazing Ami is? Having my leg gnawed off by an irate tapir comes to mind, but that’s nothing to do with this fic at all, sadly. What it does provide us with is creepy beach bikini contests, which are some sort of improvement I guess because it’s a change from the rest of the fic which is just the same chapter repeated ad nauseum wearing different hats. Wait, no, it cuts into a Zoid battle, because beating somebody’s giant robot up proves that you’re prettier or something. Plus we learn a valuable moral lesson that mechanical tails are more important than human beings and that if you can’t solve something on your own then the ghost of your dead brother will always be there to do it for you. Or something.

Note that there is no chapter eight. This is a good thing.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 294 - Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 5-7

Episode 294: Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 5-7

The Backdraft group exist to fill every possible vacant space in the landscape. In case there is a place where nothing else is present, the Backdraft will be there.

What could be better then stupidly one-sided giant robot cockfighting matches that are staged entirely for the benefit of the Mary Sue? Well, a lot of things actually, but a forced-double date is probably not one of them. None the less, a third of this chunk of Zoids Chapter Two is devoted to just that in a festival of forced romantic banter that will have you wishing for the quiet dignity of Ravage Three Bodies Evolution. But it’s not all fun and games (and obligatory mugger attacks) as an old enemy from Ami’s past reappears, unleashing a deadly torrent of wangst! So join us as Firecat talks down to everyone, pressures people into doing what she wants, abandons her team to be killed and is thoroughly congratulated for it!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 292 - Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 1-4

Episode 292: Zoids: Chapter Two, chapters 1-4

In case we hadn't hammered home the point that she's the greatest thing alive, here it is again.

A fanfic about an obnoxious, stupidly over-powered girl who is the center of everything, that everyone fawns over and is rock stupid and yet constantly praised while also having a fire-themed nickname? No, it’s not another chapter of Girl On Fire, but you may soon wish it was. Instead it’s the adventures of Ami “Firecat” Fakejapanesenamiyama, a Zoid warrior so dedicated to her giant plastic robot cat that she had an artificial tail surgically grafted onto her own body. And yet, on discovering this fact, nobody backs away slowly from the obviously dangerous madwoman, but instead decides to restructure their whole lives so that she can be the heart of them. Plus throw in evil stupid people being evil and stupid for the sake of it and an opposing team who’s strategy is to let the other guys win, and you have something that’s like Kevin, only a girl and a furry!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 248 - The Assassin

Episode 248: The Assassin

Yes, Kev, your life is one big bleak void of pain and suffering. Now go get in your plastic robot dinosaur and effortlessly beat the entire world.

One of the golden rules of being an assassin is to not get caught. And one of the best ways to avoid getting caught is to not draw attention to yourself. So you shouldn't do things like have an incredibly distinctive mode of transport, plan getaways that will alert everyone to your presence, wander around with a near-extinct and attention-grabbing animal companion, have breakfast where your target's daughter can see you or make up a cover story that only serves to make you look even more guilty. In short, don't do a thing that the so-called world's greatest assassin in this fic does. Of course, since it's Big Kev, you probably shouldn't do a thing that he does anyway. I know I wouldn't.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 235 - The Legacy

Episode 235: The Legacy

If the chase scenes in Consider Phlebeas or the hospital hallway battle in Hard Boiled or even the final battle between Superman and Doomsday had stopped for people to list all the plastic toys involved, they would have been so much better for it.

What could be worse then Badfic? How about Badfic of a Badfic? If that thought doesn’t scare you off, then you might just be ready for The Legacy, a fanfic based on the ‘fantastic’ Dark Spiner series. (If it does scare you off, you might as well stop reading now. Trust me, it gets worse). Set an indeterminate and oft-fluctuating time period after the last fic, this one doesn't so much genre shift as it genre lurches drunkenly across the street and falls down in a puddle of its own vomit. What starts as a simple sports story turns into a grim and gritty war drama as armies of Plastic Robot Dinosaurs clash against each other in an epic struggle between two poorly defined powers! New characters are introduced and swiftly forgotten as the day is saved by a random nameless person! Bad guys make ineffectual plans that come to nothing! Siege gets a new origin that doesn't involve dinosaur poop! And some other stuff! I think!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 225 - Old Conflicts Renewed, chapters 11-20

Episode 225: Old Conflicts Renewed, chapters 11-20

Four score and seven years ago, our robot dinosaur fathers bought forth on this franchise a toyline conceived in the marketing department and founded on the proposition that all plastic is moulded equal.

The Empire’s campaign of mild inconvenience continues, and it is up to Kevin to stop them!  Armed with nothing but whatever powers he has contrived for himself today, his ambulatory pile of robot dinosaur poo and his ability to effortlessly crush anyone who faces him, can Big Kev save the day? Of course he can. Don’t be silly. Not a single hint of suspense will be given as the war lurches to its shambolic conclusion in a long list of different types of plastic toys. So join all your favourite characters; Big Kev, Siege, Isaac Cloud, Zephyr, General Drack, Mick, Tom, John, Charles and Charles, Our Hero Raven, Captain Gruud, Lancetaka Solyaku Foo Foo Cuddlypoops Askakura the third, Mike the Human and Bob Anglerfish for this gripping tale of something or another that the whole family will likely forget all about.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 224 - Old Conflicts Renewed, chapters 1-10

Episode 224: Old Conflicts Renewed, chapters 1-10

It seems that the Empire is less an invading army and more of a force that occasionally comes around to annoy them.

Revolution! War! Governments fall! Armies invade! In a time of crisis such as this, the world cries out for a hero, a man who will step forward and save the say. And that man is… Kevin! That’s right, it’s the return of Big Kev. Armed with a clumsily executed genre shift (because “sports drama” and “war” work so well together), our so called hero and his sidekick, a pile of robot dinosaur poop (no, really) set out to fight the forces of mild inconvenience by listing off what toys he owns and how they’re arranged! Written without a hint of research as to what a military is actually like, this is less war the only way it can be told and more a schoolyard brawl over who took who’s juicebox.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 221 - "Zoids Genesis Fanfic"

Episode 221: "Zoids Genesis Fanfic"

Usually the bad guys in these fics stand there and let the hero kill them. He decided to be more pro-active and kill himself.

Not so much a fanfic as a vague start of one that was mercifully abandoned, this fic none the less still has plenty of badness to offer the discerning reader. A random mysterious person is hangs around the outskirts of an isolated hapless village being mysterious, which naturally prompts random bandits to attack it. The resulting hostage standoff, with two giant robots holding an entire community at gunpoint is resolved by our apparent heroine running straight into them and starting a brawl in the middle of a crowd of innocent bystander people. Naturally not a single person is hurt, and the villagers thank the alleged protagonist for bringing this evil down upon them. And then it ends. What?

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Celena Harte, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Rick R

Episode 211 - Fur and Metal

Episode 211: Fur and Metal

Clearly upon landing on a hostile, unknown, alien world, the best thing to do is to run around with a heavily armed force, picking fights with opponents who’s capabilities are not understood while taking contracts from people you don’t know

When writing Alternate Universe fanfic, there comes a point where you're so Alternate Universe that you might as well be writing something entirely original and be done with it. This fic doesn't so much pass that point as it leaps straight over it and keeps on going. A Furry Alternate Universe Battletech/Alternate Universe Zoids crossover (And you thought you'd never see anyone type that), this fic manages to catapult from dumb to dumber with each block of unnecessary exposition, and boy are there a lot of those go go around. It's blatantly unfinished, and yet it's still far too long for this MSTer!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Rick R

Episode 209 - The Dark Spiner

Episode 209: The Dark Spiner

Because letting a total stranger just walk into the team after he beat the rest of you up for no real reason is such a good idea

Know, oh prince, that in the years between the fall of the New American Release, and the rise of the Kotobukiya HMM Zoids, there was an Age undreamed of, when shining franchises lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars… Hither came Kevin, the Dark Spiner, brown-haired, sullen-eyed, Zoid at hand, a godboy, a self-insert, an egotistical power-trip, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the canon under his plastic dinosaur feet.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 206 - The Tale of Yurei and Lance

Episode 206: The Tale of Yurei and Lance

If you’re trying to avoid attention then maybe, just maybe, walking around in all black with a sword on your back, a wolf at your side and sitting in the dark corner of a bar while talking to said wolf is not the way to do it.

The first all-new Elmer Studios MSTing! And what better way to celebrate such a momentous occasion then with an incomplete fic based of a long-dead Fandom?

Yeah, I thought so too. Regardless, the Tale of Yurei and Lance is an action-packed tale of stuff! Thrill as our heroes check off RPG clichés as they try to out-enigmatic each other! Laugh as two idiots negotiate! Eat popcorn as the dark secret of Lance Fu-Fu Cuddlypoops’ past might be revealed! Gasp in terror as you realise that not only does the fic have a telepathic wolf, but that it’s also the smartest and most interesting character in the fic! It’s a roller-coaster ride that will leave you hurling!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Rick R

Old Conflicts Renewed

Bonus Continuity Theater: Old Conflicts Renewed

At least I have a life outside this fic. You were created to be spanked.


What’s like an Elmer Studios MSTing, but isn’t? How about a MSTing by the former Elmer Studios crew in the style of Elmer Studios using many of the running gags from Elmer Studios in the format for Elmer Studios. Something like that?

Written for a now-defunct Zoids fanfic bitching community c2005, Old Conflicts Renewed was an MSTing of an infamously bad Zoid fic (Well, infamously bad within that Fandom, for what it's worth) that had managed to somehow become fanon within the fandom – specifically, the vile sort of fanon that is mistaken for canon by idiots and, as such, leads to a generation of self-replicating errors within subsequent generations of badfics. Yeah, that sort. That it’s about an unbearable god-boy who walks all over the canon cast while demonstrating no knowledge of grammar, structure, punctuation, dialogue, spelling, descriptive prose or, even, the English language makes it just that much more awful. Sound familiar?

I will admit straight up that the MSTing is rather in-jokey, not only to the Zoids fandom but, specifically, the community for which it was written. However, at the same time, there’s still plenty of good stuff to be had here. And, if you look very carefully (well, not really), you’ll find an old reference or two. Or seventy.

Riffers: Sandra Blackmore (Not the one you're thinking of), Tasch Storemer, Christina McCade, Tara Squamanta
Written by: Zogster and Rick R; guest riffs by Koobine