Episode 496 - Shining Jewels of America, chapters 1-2

Episode 496: Shining Jewels of America, chapters 1-2

His Gundam hit her Gundam which punched his Gundam in the Gundam before she Gudamned his Gundam with a Gumdam Gundam bacon baked beans and Gundam.

Meet Mathias Winns. He's an aggressively unlikeable jerk who is actively hostile to the people around him, carries himself with a sense of perpetual entitlement, hates the idea of other people having fun and has an unhealthy relationship with his Gundam. That's right, it's another Gundam Build Fighters fic that keeps the proud (?) traditions of those that have come before it going. It’s a fic about a trio of people who less are a team and more are in a mutually loathsome arrangement that none of them are willing to leave, but that's okay because one of them is barely there anyway. So it's time to deliberately sabotage your teammates and wrestle an alligator* for the first part of The Shining Jewels of America.

*Sadly this does not happen

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 495 - Guns and Roses, chapters 8-11

Episode 495: Guns and Roses, chapters 8-11

You're in the middle of a citywide gang war, but cake is what's important

In this exciting portion of Guns and Roses, Ambrose Leigh Rivera DeFizz sends out birthday invites and tries to appeal to the better nature of an obviously unstable vengeance-fuelled madman. She also has a dramatic confrontation with her ex, a moment that is completely undercut by our having no clue at all who he is nor having any real reason to care. On top of that the boss also has a confrontation with his ex that we don't know or care about either, so at least the fic is giving us the option which is nice, I guess. So it’s time to throw a party and threaten an innocent bystander with a gun for the final chunk of Guns and Roses. This is the improved version!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 494 - Guns and Roses, chapters 5-7

Episode 494: Guns and Roses, chapters 5-7

I can feel a good old ‘Suck it up, Princess’ coming on.

The Spectres have launched a devastating attack on the Saints and have taken control of half of Steelport. In response to this threat, the Boss continues to make kissy faces at Amber while she infodumps her entire life story and plays a pointless guessing game. That right, it's time for more of this, and the fic is not going to hold back in giving you more than you could have ever wanted of the world's two dumbest and horniest people staring blankly at each other while regurgitating text. I mean, there might be some other stuff going on, but none of it actually matters because it's not them. So get your RC possessor, your stupid prototype gun and chunky block exposition for the second part of Guns and Roses. It contains all you need to know about Venezuela!*

*It does not.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 493 - Guns and Roses, chapters 1-4

Episode 493: Guns and Roses, chapters 1-4

We kissed in a dark box with a vial of corrosive gas hooked up to a Geiger Counter, so I can’t tell if it happened or not.

It’s a lovely day in Steelport; the sun is shining, the sea is calm and a horde of attack helicopters and armed vehicles are converging on one point in downtown. Who are these mysterious attackers? Well to be honest it doesn’t matter one bit as they’re basically going to be effortlessly trashed as backstory to set up the fic’s romantic arc. That’s right, it’s the adventures of two incredibly dumb and incredibly horny people who’s immediate thoughts in the middle of a raging gunfight is ‘hey, they’re kinda hot.’ That’s all there is to this fic and we're only just getting started. So get your multi-organisation, your tacky tattoos and Jiffy the llama for Guns and Roses. This fic is re-edited!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 492 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 15-16

Episode 492: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 15-16

Nah, my internship only covers me for one felony..

In this final part of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we engage in a vital plot point. Which is to say that a side character gets into a fight with some gang or something that has literally nothing to do with anything at all, but we still waste twenty pages on it anyway. So join all your favourite Harry Potter and Ninja Turtles characters, like Blaise Zabani, Mondo Gecko, Alicia Spinnet, Ray Fillet, Zacharias Smith, Walkabout, Penelope Clearwater, Jagwar, Charity Burbage, Sandstorm, Gideon Prewitt and Fred Hamster for the last chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Also Cornelius Fudge was an alien warlord all along. Who knew?

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 491 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 12-14

Episode 491: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 12-14

Padma Patil, the well-known daredevil unicycle ninja.

In this next chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Stephen Cornfoot does some skateboard stunts, fights ninjas, goes on a Japanese game show, engages in heavy-handed narration and is generally rewarded for just existing. Yeah, move aside libertarian ninja Harry Potter, this fic's all about Stephen now, and we're clearly better off for it. There’s also something about a Philosophers Stone or some other stuff, but it's probably not important. So grab your sewer skateboard and your battery-operated sword for the next segment of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It contains everything you need to know about Cerberus (that you didn't already learn from late night monster movies)

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 490 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 8-11

Episode 490: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 8-11

Harry Potter? Played at Glastonbury in '98? Fell off the stage and hurt himself and ended up in a backstage fight with a chicken farmer? That Harry Potter?

In this next thrilling chunk of fanfic, Harry Parker (the boy who not died) gets on a train, has dinner and reads through his class timetable. And if you think that sounds thrilling, just consider that the most action-packed part of it is a retelling of a filler episode that the fic could have skipped without anyone noticing or, most likely, caring either. But what it's really about is everyone joining Ravenclaw because they're all so big on those traits that we all know Ravenclaw has and is so well regarded for. So join I.R. Ninja, Stinky Pete, Joanna Goanna and Quantum Toilet Duck for more of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You can read it in your free period after Thursday lunch.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 489 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 4-7

Episode 489: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 4-7

McGonagall has the power of attorney and can cast the Tickling Charm 

In this regurgitated chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Boy Who Lived reviews a list of textbooks and then goes shopping for school supplies. Meanwhile, Dumbledore and McGonagall stand around while Dan Granger complains about everything and Casey Jones and Raphael arrange a date in Central Park without specifying where in Central Park they're going to meet which means that both of them could be anywhere by now. All of this is to say that if you’re looking for huge chunks of copy-pasted text with new characters crudely added into it, then Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the fic for you. Otherwise you might want to consider something else. Like, literally anything.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 488 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 1-3

Episode 488: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 1-3

Thank you for that, random exposition wizard

Having made his way to New York despite being an unaccompanied five-year-old and having only some small change on hand, Harry Potter is immediately found by Splinter who adopts him for no reason whatsoever. And thus, we get Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is that rare case where a fic's title is also its premise. So what does Harry do now that he has his new life as a shinobi sewer hobo? Well not much, as the fic mostly consists of regurgitated scripts with him crudely pasted into them. But between that we get Dumbledore fumbling around and Dad Granger Senior being the smartest person around, so I suppose that counts for something. So steal a wallet and fake a passport for Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sewer Slide sold separately.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 487 - Dire Straights, chapters 25-28

Episode 487: Dire Straights, chapters 25-28

The stress of the situation is getting to him, but the knowledge that there are utility poles helps to bring him a measure of calm

Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

After twenty-four chapters of jerk turkey, parades, uniform regulations and plasma televisions, the plot of Dire Straights finally arrives. And, well, it’s as stupid as you would expect from this fic so far as not only does it rely on Our Protagonist, but it also relies on everyone around him being incredibly dumb and knowingly and willingly going along with it. And so as we talk about witness protection, have something that could pass for a showdown with something that could pass for the villain and delight in more pointless cameos, we bid a fond farewell to Dire Straights’ most beloved character, Lupon’s racist father-in-law. Oh, and there’s also another alien invasion or something. Honestly, I'm not sure if I care any more because the narration definitely doesn't.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 486 - Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

Episode 486: Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

‘I hope I don’t regret being sent into a potentially life-threatening situation with no awareness or control of myself’ is not the inspiring yearbook quote he thinks it is.

Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

In this next inanimate lump of fanfic, the global economy collapses and nobody seems to really notice. Well our protagonist does, because he now needs to look for a new job and his skillset (Identifying different types of uniform) is not fantastically marketable or transferrable. Fortunately, there's an alien clone conspiracy looking for a brainwashed stooge and he's the perfect man for the job. After all, who would notice? So it's time for you to bounce a cheque, get a money order and forego your Christmas bonus for the penultimate segment of Dire Straights. Yes, there is a story this time and yes, it’s as stupid as you expect.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 485 - Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Episode 485: Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Cancer is like having giant war robots running around inside your body

The space robot war reaches its apocalyptic conclusion, and in its aftermath our hero reacts to the devastation in the same way he reacts to everything, which is to say that he fills in forms, obsessively describes what uniform everyone is wearing and continues to resent every woman that he ever talked to. None the less, he still takes the time out from his pressing duties to fall in a hole, float helplessly in space and lose a fight to a bunch of flowers. Yes, this actually happens and no, I have no idea why we're meant to care. So its time to fill up on napalm and be inexplicably buried in Oklahoma for the next chunk of Dire Straights. It has something that passes for emotional weight if you squint.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 484 - Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

Episode 484: Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

And so he stared at the drinks menu, long into the night and through the next day. Some say if you come to Moon Base ALUCE, you may find him to this day, staring at the menu still.

In this next semi-digested lump of Dire Straights, we are introduced to the fic's best realised character so far. That's right, it's Lupon's racist father-in-law, Johnny. What does he have to do with the rest of the story? Well absolutely nothing, and yet we get a huge block of text dedicated to his backstory and how much he hates his son in law. Also there may or may not be something about going into space, but at this point, who cares? I know that I don’t. So get your mysteries of the infinite beyond and your teletext remote for the next serving of Dire Straights. The cornbread tastes like corn!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 483 - Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Episode 483: Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Well, there we go folks. We have hit peak Dire Straights. Apple juice from a paper cup. Everything from there is downhill.

In this next scintillating four chapters of Dire Straights, our protagonist and Private LaBelle discuss office stationery supplies. Now while you're reeling from that shocking development, it's also not the only amazing thing that happens, as he also goes on a joyless date, eats breakfast, cooks a turkey, brings down the mood in the room and gets stuck in traffic going to the airport! Yes, it's a thrill a minute and you won't want to miss a single excruciating moment. So preheat the oven, set the timer and get your side salad for the next generous serving of Dire Straights. It’s the only job you can get in Jamaica!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 482 - Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

Episode 482: Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

But only if they're from the Bioroid region of France. Otherwise they're just sparkling alien invaders

In this next riveting portion of Dire Straights our protagonist flies halfway across the world, has a food court pizza and flies back. Not only that, but much of the rest of its runtime is spent on reminding us that far more interesting people exist and that we could be reading about them instead. But in the meantime we get to go on an awkward date, attend a joyless Christmas party and maybe, just maybe, fight in the space robot war. So get your medal of honour and arbitrary promotions for the next four semi-digested lumps of Dire Straights. And so we did.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 481 - Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

Episode 481: Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

He'd tried to lick the night vision in the hope that it was lime flavoured

Dire Straights is the story of a guy. He fills in forms, sits in waiting rooms, has dinner, explains uniform regulations, describes televisions and, uh, well, I feel like there was something else I was forgetting. Oh yeah, that's right, aliens attack. That's it. So who is this man and why do we care about him? Well to be honest, the fic doesn't even bother giving us the slightest clue or reason, so take that how you will. But in the meantime, grab your MARPAT and your Panasonic plasma television for the first four lumps of Dire Straights. You get your fanfic for nothing and your riffs for free.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 480 - A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

Episode 480: A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

They won't be as happy when Egypt is over-run by Triffids.

In order to end world hunger, the Sagara Foundation has developed a radical plan to transform vast swathes of lifeless desert wasteland into fertile farms. What does this have to do with the rest of the story? Nothing at all, actually, but the fic wastes a huge chunk of time on it no less, which I'll take since its not more descriptions of people playing video games. Still there is a chunk of that as some very stupid people take part in a nonsense battle for no apparent reason and are saved because only one person has a few basic ideas. So get your orbital killsat and your non-explosive catapult for the final part of A Helping Hand. No, they're not helping in the slightest.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 479 - A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

Episode 479: A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

They want the experience to be as realistic as possible, which is why you can dress up as a Battletoad and climb Everest with Batman

Gunner33 is hot. She's also a creep who gets her laughs through harassing and intimidating others, but that’s entirety okay because she's hot. I only bring this up because these two points are going to be repeated ad infinitum throughout this next chunk of fic. But if you don’t want that you can have more of everyone vomiting about how amazing Sagara is instead, and I don’t know which is worse. So, grab your light cycle and your generic shonen protagonist apparel for the next portion of A Helping Hand. They’re not helping, really.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 478 - A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Episode 478: A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Ready player one is the loneliest number

Meet Captain Sagara! Who’s Captain Sagara, you may ask? Well don’t worry, because everyone in the universe will talk him up at every single occasion throughout the entirety of the fic. So if you want to know how amazing he is, how wealthy he is, how he’s the best at everything, how he forces all of his suborndinates to dress just like him and his incredibly creepy relationship with his foster sister, this is the fic for you. So get your standard issue sword, your standard issue headband and your standard issue overbearing machismo posturing for A Helping Hand. And remember, sick girl equals morality.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 477 - The Normandy's Nomads

Episode 477: The Normandy's Nomads

The Times Square Naked Cowboy wore it better.

Meet V. He’s a blood-soaked murder machine who’s horny as all get out and dumb as a bag of rocks. Meet Shepard. She’s horny as all get out and dumb as a bag of rocks, with the blood-soaked murder machine being assumed. Together they both kind of sort of exist in this fic which consists of setting things up without the pair of them ever meeting or even being aware of each other’s existence. But what it’s really about is listing people’s inventories, because that remains a key part of our fic experience. So grab your trillion-dollar bank transfer and your blatant McGuffin for The Normandy’s Nomads. It’s short, but oh so very stupid.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.