Episode 499 - Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1

Episode 499: Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1

We live on God’s face.

It’s a triple date with hate here as we feature a three-way* crossover. Having managed to miss the most important events in the world for the last decade, the Autobots send their agents to a tiny island in the South Pacific, only to find that it is home to a giant alien spaceship that they were somehow completely unaware of. And when said island is attacked by bad guys for no real reason, it’s up to the Autobots to save the day while the humans stand around and exposit. So grab your motorcycle helmet (hologram or real) and be amazed by the existence of walls for Transformers Prime x ROBOTECH - Season 1. Featuring all your favourite characters such as Random Destroid Pilot and Nameless Power Armour Guy.

*For very generous values of the number three.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 463 - After Cybertron, chapters 5-7

Episode 463: After Cybertron, chapters 5-7

He qualified for being a Spectre by running through a maze, ringing a bell and getting a piece of cheese

Now that Optimus Prime has had his regular round of dying and coming back to life, we can get back to what this fic is really about; that’s right, introducing characters. But this part of After Cybertron gives us an extra special treat! Not just do we have more random pointless Transformers in random pointless side-plots, but we also get to meet the author’s totally amazing, incredibly original OC complete with getting his tragic backstory dumped on us in the most awkward way possible. So get your cyberarm and your useless alt-mode for the last portion of After Cybertron! Also Shepard is in this, but you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 462 - After Cybertron, chapters 3-4

Episode 462: After Cybertron, chapters 3-4

Hunting helicopter gunships, much like the Tyrannosaurus did millions of years ago

Saren and Sovereign have launched their assault on the Citadel, aiming to summon the Reapers and wipe out all life in the galaxy! Shepard is faced with an impossible decision in the battle to save all life. Except then a bunch of Transformers come along and effortlessly stomp everything while she stands around and goes ‘yay’ or something while draining every last hint of tension from the story. And so as the ominous guy says ominous things and the Transformers conceal themselves by going on giant robot rampage through the middle of the city you can enjoy some more chunks of After Cybertron. Eye-searing 90s colour schemes not included.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 461 - After Cybertron, chapters 1-2

Episode 461: After Cybertron, chapters 1-2

Oh hey. Massive hole in space-time. Didn’t see that coming.

The race is on to save the Galaxy, which means that Commander Shepard needs to drop everything she’s doing and sit through a lengthy PowerPoint presentation. Yes, that’s the basic premise of our newest fic in which the only force capable of rescuing civilisation from an army of killer space robots is another army of killer space robots, but only after they deliver a helping heap of pace-stumping exposition that nobody actually needed to know and that the readers were likely familiar with anyway. So throw a couch out the window and get your OC love interest for the first portion of After Cybertron. And remember, you had to ask.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 444 - Son of Primus, chapters 11-20

Episode 444: Son of Primus, chapters 11-20

He figures this is his life now. Just being shuffled between different cells with the occasional uncontrolled re-entry

Remember when this fic was a Need for Speed crossover? I don’t, and apparently neither does the fic. What it’s actually is about is how Stripes is the stupidest person in the universe, and yet everyone stands around and congratulates him for it. And so as he alternates between falling through space, running away from danger and leaving his friends to face the music, being interrogated and held hostage, Stripes keeps asking himself ‘why me’, despite the fact that everyone keeps reiterating the plot at him. So get your Crack Calibre Laser-Blazer Broadsword for the next part of Son of Primus! Maybe even featuring Cross and/or Razor!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 443 - Son of Primus, chapters 1-10

Episode 443: Son of Primus, chapters 1-10

Having plunged through the atmosphere of an unknown planet and impacted into a giant crater only to be trapped by a cannibalistic robot, Stripes is more convinced than ever that jumping out the airlock was a good idea.

Having formerly been a street racer, our hero Stripes (sadly not an orange tiger cassette guy) has been abducted, transformed and is now on the run from a mystic destiny, all while mooning over that one hot cop girl from that one Need for Speed game. Can Stripes escape his enemies, both old and new? Why would you have a ‘was all a dream’ twist in the middle of the fic? Why would you even write a crossover if it has nothing to do with anything? None of these questions will be answered, but you probably expected that. So get your orbital mind control lasers and your feet pedes for the first part of Son of Primus! 

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 436 - Cross in the Light, chapters 11-24

Episode 436: Cross in the Light, chapters 11-24

…so he merged with the others to make Big Powered and they used the Rainbow Powered Attack to destroy Violengiguar and used the power of the Zodiac to revive the tenth planet…

Remember when Cross in the Light had a mysterious group of humans wearing giant robot suits who were capturing Transformers for unknown reasons? Me either, which is fine as it’s instead decided to turn into cheap teen drama with a vaguely robot theme. And the most important part of this alien robot war is to ensure that Jamie is happy at all times, which given that she’s a super-strong firebender with the ability to travel through dimensions and has a mutant healing factor might be a good move. And so as Thanksgiving is ruined and ice-skating is considered, Cross in the Light continues to spin its wheels to the point where you could sleep through chunks of it and miss nothing. I’m unexcited!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 435 - Cross in the Light, chapters 1-10

Episode 435: Cross in the Light, chapters 1-10

The line between innuendo and incompetence is hard to define.

This fic is about the Autobot Crosshairs. No, actually, it’s about his long-lost sister Lightning Flares. No, scratch that, it’s actually about Rangeblade, a Decepticon who’s reassessing her life choices. No, forget all that, it’s actually about Jamie. Who is Jamie, you might ask? Well the fic doesn’t really help there, but we do learn that she can sense Transformers, has a mutant healing factor and can bend the fabric of time, space and reality to her will and as such it’s vitally important that she’s happy at all times despite the fact that she seems to generate drama as she goes. It’s certainly not about a mysterious group of guys in robot suits, even though that’s probably more interesting. So leave no dentist behind for the first part of Cross in the Light. Almost featuring Hound. Almost.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 425 - This is my Life, chapters 7-12

Episode 425: This is my Life, chapters 7-12

Yay evil, I guess.

Remember how global warming was going to cause the Earth to explode (and render guinea pigs extinct) and how mad scientists were kidnapping people to turn them into Transformers as a result? No? Me neither. But that’s okay, because the fic doesn’t either. In fact, it pretty much abandons its own premise in favour of some soap opera romance and drama with the occasional giant space robot war thrown in for good measure. Meanwhile in the B-plot, we also have some more soap opera romance and drama and some light reconstructive surgery to boot. So gather around and turn into a Corolla for the approximation of a conclusion to This is my Life. Now with beds!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 424 - This is my Life, chapters 1-6

Episode 424: This is my Life, chapters 1-6

The scientists were the people who told the people that were not the scientists what would happen if they did not follow the advice of the scientists who were scientists.

Welcome to the future where global warming means that guinea pigs are extinct, the price of chocolate has gone up and humans may spontaneously burst into flames. In order to prevent this incendiary outcome, a group of scientists have taken to kidnapping people and turning them into robots because science, really. But after their first successful experiment, Katherine ‘Totally Not Bella’ Swann escapes what are they to do? If you guess is “do it again and see what happens,” then you’re pretty much on the mark. So sit back, relax, casually blow up a city and list car brands for the first portion of This is my Life. It’s vaguely dystopian. Very vaguely.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 413 - Escapism, chapters 9-14

Episode 413: Escapism, chapters 9-14

Good on ya evil Synth infiltrator who’s an agency of a shadowy organisation that thrives on seeding discord and keeping the surface world divided.

When you live in a world where the threat of somebody you know and love being replaced with a soleless robot killing machine is very real there are a number of things you can do to protect yourself. Clearly one of them is to let a creepy robot girl and her two alien robot buddies walk right on in and see your boss because nothing at all could go wrong with that plan at all. And if you’ve wrapped your mind around that then you’re probably ready for the next part of this bizarre semblance of fiction in which we learn that dangerous drugs might just be dangerous and that the best way to get inside a fortified city is to ask nicely. Throw in some entry-level transhumanism and you’re good to go!

Also there might be some Transformers in this Transformers crossover. Might.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 412 - Escapism, chapters 1-8

Episode 412: Escapism, chapters 1-8

Don’t worry, my interest in organic meat units is purely scientific.

When you’re lost in a strange and hostile wasteland with no idea of where you are and where everything is trying to kill you, there’s only one person that you can turn to. That’s right, a creepy robot girl who instantly solves every problem and sucks even the vaguest hint of a challenge out of the whole setting. And that’s exactly what happens when Jack, Raf and Miko get blown up and land in the Fallout universe for no reason whatsoever in what could be called a crossover if you squint hard. But in the meantime there’s some raiders and a debate over which bridge to use while going on a scavenger hunt and listing what everyone has in their inventory, so you can tell this fic is going to be a thrill a minute. So go spy on your neighbours and watch them sleep for the first portion of Escapism!

Oh, and also there are some Transformers here. Maybe.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 383 - Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 16-19

Episode 383: Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 16-19

Derek’s main role here seems to be “Wikipedia.”

The tension ramps up as forces that include superhumans, gods and alien robots clash in an epic battle for control of one abandoned school in Iowa. Will Derek’s beloved childhood memories survive? Can Derek spend more time expositing at Captain America? Will Black Widow get out of the funk she’s been in since Derek got lightly hurt? Will Hawkeye actually ever do anything? And are there any actual Transformers in this Transformers/Avengers crossover? You may well ponder these questions (well, you probably won’t) but fear not, for the fic won’t give you any sort of answer and instead just gives up the will to live. Throw in ‘sad Loki in prison’ scene #4,691, a completely stupid plot twist and a bit more about Derek (of course!) and you’ll be finally done with Transformers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 382 - Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 11-15

Episode 382: Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 11-15

It’s like if a Bill Bryson travelogue accidentally crashed into an action movie.

Have you ever found yourself needing to know the layout of an abandoned high school in the middle of Iowa? Well fret not, because Derek is here to save your one very specific problem! What does he do besides having that one talent that is largely redundant in the modern age of instantly available information? Very little. But everyone seems to make him the centre of attention anyway, so clearly there’s something important about him. It’s almost like he’s the author’s OC or something. Meanwhile in non-Derek related matters, people get off planes, park cars and drive slowly across the countryside! So strap in for the third part of this wild, thrill-a-minute ride! (Plus there’s the outside chance that there might be some giant alien shapechanging robots).


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 381 - Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 6-10

Episode 381: Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 6-10

Rhodes and Epps work under so many levels of operational secrecy that they have to get presidential clearance to go to each others’ birthday parties.

Gigantic shape-changing alien robots at war for millions of years! Beings with powers far beyond those of mere mortals who fight to protect the earth! Together, these two groups will attend meetings! Are you thrilled yet, because I know I am! That’s right, having spent half a dozen chapters introducing characters, we get to see them stand around and talk to each other, exposit their backstories and teleconference! I can tell you’re as excited as I am for these developments, but that’s not all that happens in this action-packed chunk of fic. We’re introduced to a new character who has a skill that will be vital to the action to come: he knows about one small town in Iowa! Are you excited, because I know I’m not!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 380 - Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 1-5

Episode 380: Transformers Earth's Mightiest Heroes, chapters 1-5

It was a normal sort of day on the flying invisible aircraft carrier.

Giant robots have invaded the Earth, going to war with each other! Super-powered beings clash for control of mankind while repelling alien invasions! And yet, somehow these two groups are completely unaware of each other’s existence despite several cities blowing up and a massive alien planet hanging over them for some time. However, if you can put that minor plot hole aside, you might just have a rollicking good time with Transformers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, a fic which basically has its entire premise right there in the title. So sit back while Optimus Prime tells Captain America about how the evil infiltrator Bob fought Nick Fury, two identical guys with near identical names fight and the fact that cars are a rare sight in Germany in this crossover fic thingamajig. Warning: contains evil scary faces!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 345 - Machine Wars

Episode 345: Machine Wars

I’m okay. Also I have the essence of our living machine god in my chest.

After being unable to get onto the internet, an author writes a fanfic to post on the internet. Think about the logic of that statement for a minute, and then you’re about ready to be thrown headlong into the literary piranha tank that is Machine Wars. Assembled from reading lists of toys, this fic manages to lose coherence in the first sentence and never gets it back. And while it might lack things like plot, story, characterization, sentence structure and readability, it does give you what you all really want: long lists of character names that don’t mean anything at all. So join all your favourite characters like Smartmind, Cableye, Deathwatch, Laughing Blue Jet, Wangstmuffin, Calcule, Fuzzbox, Expositron, Black Crystal Pepsi Convoy and Franklin Delanor Roosevelt Minicon III, earl of ToejaAm as their collective rigid grill structure bears down on your unprotected cargo bay door.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Matt Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 324 - Dinobot's Old Technology series

Episode 324: Dinobot's Old Technology series

At this point I think the dialogue’s being written by some sort of random word generator

Legends tell of a brave warrior who lived a warrior ans died to an hero. They tell of how he fell, and how he was reborn as a fratricidal backstabbing murderer who seemed to be doing everything in his power to be sabotage his own team. This is that story-like substance, the long string of random events known as Dinobot's Old Technology. Possibly maybe a Beast Wars fanfic, this series tackles big questions of life, death, fate, destiny, mortality and stuff blowing up with all the coherence that you expect out of a half-snake, half-ant, half-tyrannosaurus monster. So make your calcule about Steses Pods, insert your rotate blade, and shout Japanese noodle commercial slogans as you try to figure out what the hell it is you're reading and why Rhinox is death.

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 273 - Ravage Three Bodies Evolution

Episode 273: Ravage Three Bodies Evolution

Meanwhile, on the invisible planet of the floating head aliens.

From the depths of the murky past  comes what could be charitably described as a fanfic (And could be uncharitably described as many other things) about one being’s struggle against fate, destiny, manipulation by powers far beyond his comprehension and his tendency to explode a lot. Born out of a desire to describe different toys and how they relate to each other, Ravage Three Bodies Evolution is a metaphysical tour de force as can only be described by saying the phrase ‘just then’ over and over again, and has to be experienced to be believed (Largely because you won’t believe that something can be this bad). So join us and the cosmic alien space gods, pull up your favourite shelf-warming filler figure and watch as space and time are torn asunder! It’s like having a head injury, only in text!

Riffers: Rebecca Bartley, Natasha Isavia, Mat Simmons and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Rick R.

Episode 239 - Macross the Transformers Saga

Episode 239: Macross the Transformers Saga

Well enough hanging around and delivering plot points. Time to go back to killing space robots.

Imagine, if you will, the potential that might be in a Macross/Transformers crossover. Now imagine that said crossover simply consists of crossing out the word “Zentraedi” and writing “Decepticon” over it in crayon. That’s right, while they may be a different type of soldier warlord from deep space, the fic rigidly enforces pre-existing dialogue, scenes and characterization. Sure there might be some small changes like the odd horrific aviation accident or floating hat, but by the time the crossover starts, you’ll be wishing the fic was over! So instead focus on the intense rivalry between Roy Fokker and Axle and ask yourself the big question that comes from it: who is Axle and why do I care anyway?

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.