Episode 480 - A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

Episode 480: A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

They won't be as happy when Egypt is over-run by Triffids.

In order to end world hunger, the Sagara Foundation has developed a radical plan to transform vast swathes of lifeless desert wasteland into fertile farms. What does this have to do with the rest of the story? Nothing at all, actually, but the fic wastes a huge chunk of time on it no less, which I'll take since its not more descriptions of people playing video games. Still there is a chunk of that as some very stupid people take part in a nonsense battle for no apparent reason and are saved because only one person has a few basic ideas. So get your orbital killsat and your non-explosive catapult for the final part of A Helping Hand. No, they're not helping in the slightest.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 479 - A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

Episode 479: A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

They want the experience to be as realistic as possible, which is why you can dress up as a Battletoad and climb Everest with Batman

Gunner33 is hot. She's also a creep who gets her laughs through harassing and intimidating others, but that’s entirety okay because she's hot. I only bring this up because these two points are going to be repeated ad infinitum throughout this next chunk of fic. But if you don’t want that you can have more of everyone vomiting about how amazing Sagara is instead, and I don’t know which is worse. So, grab your light cycle and your generic shonen protagonist apparel for the next portion of A Helping Hand. They’re not helping, really.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 478 - A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Episode 478: A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Ready player one is the loneliest number

Meet Captain Sagara! Who’s Captain Sagara, you may ask? Well don’t worry, because everyone in the universe will talk him up at every single occasion throughout the entirety of the fic. So if you want to know how amazing he is, how wealthy he is, how he’s the best at everything, how he forces all of his suborndinates to dress just like him and his incredibly creepy relationship with his foster sister, this is the fic for you. So get your standard issue sword, your standard issue headband and your standard issue overbearing machismo posturing for A Helping Hand. And remember, sick girl equals morality.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 476 - The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 7-9

Episode 476: The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 7-9

I could go my entire life never hearing the phrase ‘meat circus’ again

After endless hours of fighting zombies, clowns and sometimes even zombie clowns, we have reached the definitive conclusion-like component of the Lozer saga. And after six dozen chapters of our wondering what Lozer actually brings to this story, his true secret is finally revealed and its... nothing, actually. He’s basically irrelevant to the outcome, kind of making you wonder why he's even there in the first place. And so as Mordred does evil stuff, Daito and Sho continue to be indistinguishable and Kaneda’s bike from Akira isn't even mentioned, we bid a fond farewell to The New Adventures of the High Five. You’ll feel like you missed something but trust me, you didn't.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 475 - The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 4-6

Episode 475: The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 4-6

Stupid noob, doesn’t even have power over time, space, death and reality. What a loser.

In this, the latest three chapter-like objects of this ongoing simulacrum of a narrative, the High Five go into a video game, fight some monsters, fight a boss and then bump into Mordred, the guy who might be the villain or something like that. But that's not what the story's actually about. It's really about Lozer who is certainly an entity that exists in space and time, and yet is also strangely fascinating despite having the personality of a brick. So join our boy as he finds new ways to blow himself up in a variety of new environments in the newest part of New Adventures of the High Five. But don't go to New York, as it's down to apply a service patch.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 474 - The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 1-3

Episode 474: The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 1-3

Turns out that was a vital load-bearing clown.

In this chunk of fic, Lozer achieves his lifelong dream of launching himself off a ramp in a go-kart so he can suicide bomb a giant killer clown head. And to that I say ‘live big' and also ‘what the actual hell man?’. That's right, we have more of our favourite spatio-temporal entity doing what he does best, generally hanging around and making you wonder what he's doing there. So thrill as Art3mis talks to an NPC, Aech goes through their regular stream of humiliation and Daito and Sho struggle to remember who is who for the first chunk of The New Adventures of the High Five. Which is not just more of The Newcomer. At all.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 473 - The Newcomer, chapters 6-10

Episode 473: The Newcomer, chapters 6-10

And yet ‘don’t you still have the flamethrowing dinosaur’ is still not the dumbest thing we’ve said about this fic.

In this next snack-sized portion of The Newcomer we hit one of those moments we've come to both dread and relish, which is the introduction of the author's OC villain. This moment will raise several questions such as ‘who is he', ‘what does he want', ‘why don't the High Five just use their positions as owners of the OASIS to instantly solve the problem’ and ‘why do we even care'? But mostly the fic's about Lozer flailing around, getting an origin story, and failing to justify his existence. So get your Kaneda's Bike from Akira and your lousy gacha game mechanics for another round of The Newcomer. Now with archive action!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 472 - The Newcomer, chapters 1-5

Episode 472: The Newcomer, chapters 1-5

Those penguins are up to something. I know it.

When you're the world's five richest and most powerful people who literally own the internet, you can pick and choose who you hang out with. And that's why the High Five have decided that they are all deeply emotionally invested in this guy called Lozer who might be the greatest example of nominative determinism at work that I have ever seen. And if you’re thinking that there surely must be some hidden depths to this guy that you're missing, well then, you'd be entirely wrong, bucko. So it's time to put your Viking helmet on and go around looting corpses for the first part of The Newcomer. No, seriously, his name is Lozer. I'm not making that up.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 451 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 11-12

Episode 451: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 11-12

He’d overcome his two greatest enemies but, most importantly, he’d defeated some nameless guys who we’d never seen before and had nothing to do with anything.

After endless hours of piano lessons, strip mall Karate dojo classes, Canadian university entrance exams and really, really awkward dates, we did it. We got to the end of the fic. But Jack’s greatest challenge still lies ahead; school prom. What limo will he go in? Will he have the chicken or the beef? And will his tux clash badly with his date’s dress? Oh, and there’s also some stuff about fighting some guy called Lynx for the fate of the entire internet, but it’s really not that important. So get your corsage and your best Halo gun for the actual conclusion of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. Guest staring David Miranda and Krystle Levesque and her boyfriend Scott!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 450 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 9-10

Episode 450: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 9-10

It’s not that this happened earlier in the chapter. It’s that we recapped this happening earlier in the chapter... earlier in this chapter.

Well, it’s time for the ultimate showdown between Jack and Lynx for control of the entire OASIS. After that, nothing will... wait what? There’s still three and a half chapters to go after that? And Tridosk is still in the fic? I mean, you’d think it would be over now given that it reached its logical conclusion and all that. Um, I suppose we could have some strip-mall Karate lessons or some phone meetings or even more creeping on that one girl Mark likes or something. Geez, I don’t know. Anyway, here’s the next part of Ready Player One, the Adventures of Jack. It’s like the longest and dullest postscript ever.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 449: Ready Player One - The Adventures of Jack, chapters 7-8

Episode 449: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 7-8

So Amira is putting Mark in contact with a buff shirtless guy to get him to ‘loosen up’. I have a lot of concerns about this.

Meet Akira. She’s the head of programming for the entire OASIS. She created a trio of world-altering Easter eggs, implemented them and then went live with them without letting her bosses knowing. And now rather than being fired for her brute stupidity, she’s been given free reign to come up with solutions to her own mess that will actively make things worse. Meanwhile, the idea of just banning the one guy causing all their problems never occurs to anyone even though they already said they could do it. So get your spare nuclear weapon and go to the world’s wost guidance councillor for the next chunk of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. Now with green tea.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 448 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 5-6

Episode 448: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 5-6

So in short, Mark is quiet and reserved and can’t talk to girls, and turns into a complete ragemonster online. I foresee a SWAT team in his future.

The action just leaps off the page in this, the next part of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. You’ll be on the edge of your seat as our protagonist works on an English assignment for high school, practices the piano and does the laundry. Will he separate the colours properly? Will he use the right detergent? Will he correctly set the washing machine? The answers to these questions will shock you as you grapple with the insane twists this fic throws your way! So get your coffee from the coffee shop, mow the lawn, do the dishes and maybe engage in some light gardening for more of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. It’s so exciting, you’ll want to wash the car!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 447 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 3-4

Episode 447: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 3-4

They were the terrors of Club Penguin

Meet Lynx. He’s a hacker, troll and griefer, and more to the point, admits these things right in the face of the people who own the OASIS. So instead of immediately slapping him with a lifetime ban, they instead enable him and help him to find the Easter Eggs that will only further his destructive habits. Yep, it’s all good decisions all the way down here as Jack and his simulations of friends continue their quest to perform mundane challenges that aren’t actually challenging for poorly defined rewards. So type in some fake Linux commands and click your mouse for the next part of Ready Player One the Adventures of Jack. I’m in!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 446 - Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 1-2

Episode 446: Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack, chapters 1-2

Imagine trying to eat knowing that there’s a microfibre crotch inlay that’s likely gotten a lot of use right next to your table.

Meet Jack. He has two pistols, an assault rifle, a sniper rifle, a sword, two knives, several suits of armour, an invisibility cloak, a sports car, a motorcycle, a fleet of shuttles and a huge spaceship that he runs his repair business from. Who is he as a person? Well that doesn’t really matter. What does matter is listing the inventory of each and every character in the fic so we know what they’re carrying on them at any given moment. And so join Jack and his loosely defined friends as they do stuff for no real reason, talk about Wrestlemania and avoid piano lessons in Ready Player One: The Adventures of Jack. Damn straight!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 377 - Ready Pegasus One, chapters 9-12

Episode 377: Ready Pegasus One, chapters 9-12

They’re going to learn a valuable lesson about life. Which will piss them off, since you can’t loot it.

In a shocking turn of events, the sinister villain AoD attacks Parcival’s castle and slays him and his right-hand men, Loetrag and Mogstor. Who are these sinister villains? Actually, we have no idea at all, as they’ve basically just appeared out of nowhere. And what does this have to do with our alleged protagonists? Nothing at all. And how does it affect them? Not one iota. In fact, they continue to remain blissfully unaware as they go on treasure hunts, fight monsters and pay vast amounts of money for in-game items that they immediately throw away. So grab yourself an Almond Frost Symbiote Goo slurpee and some chicken nuggets for the utter lack of conclusion of Ready Pegasus One. Still entirely Pegasus free!


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 376 - Ready Pegasus One, chapters 5-8

Episode 376: Ready Pegasus One, chapters 5-8

You know what? I genuinely think that Ready Player One would have been improved with more Amtrak Wars references.

What could be more exciting than a fanfic about people playing a video game? If your answer is “a fanfic about people learning to play a video game” then you’re ready for the next poorly-defined lump of this fic. While the world has turned into a dystopian hellhole (apparently) and KFC no longer exists, our heroes learn to use magic (in a video game), watch anime (in a video game) and eat instant ramen (in a video game) before having something that could be very charitably described as a boss fight. And, um, that’s it, really. Not much else happens at all, which is amazing given the page count. So get ready for Dinosaur Synch Mode and learn how to run in a straight line for Ready Pegasus One.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`

Episode 375 - Ready Pegasus One, chapters 1-4

Episode 375: Ready Pegasus One, chapters 1-4

And so it was, standing in the middle of a blasted base, stuck healing a virtual wolf under threat of death that Wesley began to wonder if the OASIS was really for him.

When your school has been blown up by evil drones, your parents abducted and you’re forced to live as a fugitive then it’s obvious that your major goal is going to be becoming the best person in the world at a video game. And if that makes sense then you’re probably ready for this marvellous piece of fictive detritus in which our heroes list all their super-powers while failing to notice small details such as half their home being on fire, their vault door being blasted open and the near-dead virtual wolf bleeding out right in front of them. So grab your haptic suit (With micro-fibre crotch inlay and discrete openings), your gaming chair (inside a video game) and redundant space Lamborghini and get gunting for Ready Pegasus One!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.`