Episode 485 - Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Episode 485: Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Cancer is like having giant war robots running around inside your body

The space robot war reaches its apocalyptic conclusion, and in its aftermath our hero reacts to the devastation in the same way he reacts to everything, which is to say that he fills in forms, obsessively describes what uniform everyone is wearing and continues to resent every woman that he ever talked to. None the less, he still takes the time out from his pressing duties to fall in a hole, float helplessly in space and lose a fight to a bunch of flowers. Yes, this actually happens and no, I have no idea why we're meant to care. So its time to fill up on napalm and be inexplicably buried in Oklahoma for the next chunk of Dire Straights. It has something that passes for emotional weight if you squint.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 484 - Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

Episode 484: Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

And so he stared at the drinks menu, long into the night and through the next day. Some say if you come to Moon Base ALUCE, you may find him to this day, staring at the menu still.

In this next semi-digested lump of Dire Straights, we are introduced to the fic's best realised character so far. That's right, it's Lupon's racist father-in-law, Johnny. What does he have to do with the rest of the story? Well absolutely nothing, and yet we get a huge block of text dedicated to his backstory and how much he hates his son in law. Also there may or may not be something about going into space, but at this point, who cares? I know that I don’t. So get your mysteries of the infinite beyond and your teletext remote for the next serving of Dire Straights. The cornbread tastes like corn!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 483 - Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Episode 483: Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Well, there we go folks. We have hit peak Dire Straights. Apple juice from a paper cup. Everything from there is downhill.

In this next scintillating four chapters of Dire Straights, our protagonist and Private LaBelle discuss office stationery supplies. Now while you're reeling from that shocking development, it's also not the only amazing thing that happens, as he also goes on a joyless date, eats breakfast, cooks a turkey, brings down the mood in the room and gets stuck in traffic going to the airport! Yes, it's a thrill a minute and you won't want to miss a single excruciating moment. So preheat the oven, set the timer and get your side salad for the next generous serving of Dire Straights. It’s the only job you can get in Jamaica!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 482 - Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

Episode 482: Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

But only if they're from the Bioroid region of France. Otherwise they're just sparkling alien invaders

In this next riveting portion of Dire Straights our protagonist flies halfway across the world, has a food court pizza and flies back. Not only that, but much of the rest of its runtime is spent on reminding us that far more interesting people exist and that we could be reading about them instead. But in the meantime we get to go on an awkward date, attend a joyless Christmas party and maybe, just maybe, fight in the space robot war. So get your medal of honour and arbitrary promotions for the next four semi-digested lumps of Dire Straights. And so we did.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 481 - Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

Episode 481: Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

He'd tried to lick the night vision in the hope that it was lime flavoured

Dire Straights is the story of a guy. He fills in forms, sits in waiting rooms, has dinner, explains uniform regulations, describes televisions and, uh, well, I feel like there was something else I was forgetting. Oh yeah, that's right, aliens attack. That's it. So who is this man and why do we care about him? Well to be honest, the fic doesn't even bother giving us the slightest clue or reason, so take that how you will. But in the meantime, grab your MARPAT and your Panasonic plasma television for the first four lumps of Dire Straights. You get your fanfic for nothing and your riffs for free.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 480 - A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

Episode 480: A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

They won't be as happy when Egypt is over-run by Triffids.

In order to end world hunger, the Sagara Foundation has developed a radical plan to transform vast swathes of lifeless desert wasteland into fertile farms. What does this have to do with the rest of the story? Nothing at all, actually, but the fic wastes a huge chunk of time on it no less, which I'll take since its not more descriptions of people playing video games. Still there is a chunk of that as some very stupid people take part in a nonsense battle for no apparent reason and are saved because only one person has a few basic ideas. So get your orbital killsat and your non-explosive catapult for the final part of A Helping Hand. No, they're not helping in the slightest.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 479 - A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

Episode 479: A Helping Hand, chapters 3-4

They want the experience to be as realistic as possible, which is why you can dress up as a Battletoad and climb Everest with Batman

Gunner33 is hot. She's also a creep who gets her laughs through harassing and intimidating others, but that’s entirety okay because she's hot. I only bring this up because these two points are going to be repeated ad infinitum throughout this next chunk of fic. But if you don’t want that you can have more of everyone vomiting about how amazing Sagara is instead, and I don’t know which is worse. So, grab your light cycle and your generic shonen protagonist apparel for the next portion of A Helping Hand. They’re not helping, really.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 478 - A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Episode 478: A Helping Hand, chapters 1-2

Ready player one is the loneliest number

Meet Captain Sagara! Who’s Captain Sagara, you may ask? Well don’t worry, because everyone in the universe will talk him up at every single occasion throughout the entirety of the fic. So if you want to know how amazing he is, how wealthy he is, how he’s the best at everything, how he forces all of his suborndinates to dress just like him and his incredibly creepy relationship with his foster sister, this is the fic for you. So get your standard issue sword, your standard issue headband and your standard issue overbearing machismo posturing for A Helping Hand. And remember, sick girl equals morality.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 477 - The Normandy's Nomads

Episode 477: The Normandy's Nomads

The Times Square Naked Cowboy wore it better.

Meet V. He’s a blood-soaked murder machine who’s horny as all get out and dumb as a bag of rocks. Meet Shepard. She’s horny as all get out and dumb as a bag of rocks, with the blood-soaked murder machine being assumed. Together they both kind of sort of exist in this fic which consists of setting things up without the pair of them ever meeting or even being aware of each other’s existence. But what it’s really about is listing people’s inventories, because that remains a key part of our fic experience. So grab your trillion-dollar bank transfer and your blatant McGuffin for The Normandy’s Nomads. It’s short, but oh so very stupid.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Rebuild of Elmer Studios, year twelve

After the big changes that came last year, I was going into this one with some degree of curiosity to see how it would pan out. And based on how it went, I’m actually rather pleased to say that the changes we made to our writing process and pacing seem to have worked. Yes, we’re no longer producing episodes at the same rate, but at the same time, we’re a lot more relaxed about it and honestly, it feels better than where we were at this time last year.

Despite the pacing change, we released a comfortable twelve episodes in the last year, or a nice one per month rate (more or less). And at the same time, I feel that we were getting better overall quality, both in terms of the fics we were doing as well as our material within it. And above all else, I really feel that we were having more fun with this than we’d had in a long time.

So let’s see what happened in this last year of the slightly new look Elmer Studios.

Episode 476 - The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 7-9

Episode 476: The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 7-9

I could go my entire life never hearing the phrase ‘meat circus’ again

After endless hours of fighting zombies, clowns and sometimes even zombie clowns, we have reached the definitive conclusion-like component of the Lozer saga. And after six dozen chapters of our wondering what Lozer actually brings to this story, his true secret is finally revealed and its... nothing, actually. He’s basically irrelevant to the outcome, kind of making you wonder why he's even there in the first place. And so as Mordred does evil stuff, Daito and Sho continue to be indistinguishable and Kaneda’s bike from Akira isn't even mentioned, we bid a fond farewell to The New Adventures of the High Five. You’ll feel like you missed something but trust me, you didn't.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 475 - The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 4-6

Episode 475: The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 4-6

Stupid noob, doesn’t even have power over time, space, death and reality. What a loser.

In this, the latest three chapter-like objects of this ongoing simulacrum of a narrative, the High Five go into a video game, fight some monsters, fight a boss and then bump into Mordred, the guy who might be the villain or something like that. But that's not what the story's actually about. It's really about Lozer who is certainly an entity that exists in space and time, and yet is also strangely fascinating despite having the personality of a brick. So join our boy as he finds new ways to blow himself up in a variety of new environments in the newest part of New Adventures of the High Five. But don't go to New York, as it's down to apply a service patch.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 474 - The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 1-3

Episode 474: The New Adventures of the High Five, chapters 1-3

Turns out that was a vital load-bearing clown.

In this chunk of fic, Lozer achieves his lifelong dream of launching himself off a ramp in a go-kart so he can suicide bomb a giant killer clown head. And to that I say ‘live big' and also ‘what the actual hell man?’. That's right, we have more of our favourite spatio-temporal entity doing what he does best, generally hanging around and making you wonder what he's doing there. So thrill as Art3mis talks to an NPC, Aech goes through their regular stream of humiliation and Daito and Sho struggle to remember who is who for the first chunk of The New Adventures of the High Five. Which is not just more of The Newcomer. At all.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 473 - The Newcomer, chapters 6-10

Episode 473: The Newcomer, chapters 6-10

And yet ‘don’t you still have the flamethrowing dinosaur’ is still not the dumbest thing we’ve said about this fic.

In this next snack-sized portion of The Newcomer we hit one of those moments we've come to both dread and relish, which is the introduction of the author's OC villain. This moment will raise several questions such as ‘who is he', ‘what does he want', ‘why don't the High Five just use their positions as owners of the OASIS to instantly solve the problem’ and ‘why do we even care'? But mostly the fic's about Lozer flailing around, getting an origin story, and failing to justify his existence. So get your Kaneda's Bike from Akira and your lousy gacha game mechanics for another round of The Newcomer. Now with archive action!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.