Saturday, January 4, 2025

Episode 486 - Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

Episode 486: Dire Straights, chapters 21-24


‘I hope I don’t regret being sent into a potentially life-threatening situation with no awareness or control of myself’ is not the inspiring yearbook quote he thinks it is.


Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

In this next inanimate lump of fanfic, the global economy collapses and nobody seems to really notice. Well our protagonist does, because he now needs to look for a new job and his skillset (Identifying different types of uniform) is not fantastically marketable or transferrable. Fortunately, there's an alien clone conspiracy looking for a brainwashed stooge and he's the perfect man for the job. After all, who would notice? So it's time for you to bounce a cheque, get a money order and forego your Christmas bonus for the penultimate segment of Dire Straights. Yes, there is a story this time and yes, it’s as stupid as you expect.


Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Friday, December 13, 2024

Episode 485 - Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Episode 485: Dire Straights, chapters 17-20


Cancer is like having giant war robots running around inside your body


The space robot war reaches its apocalyptic conclusion, and in its aftermath our hero reacts to the devastation in the same way he reacts to everything, which is to say that he fills in forms, obsessively describes what uniform everyone is wearing and continues to resent every woman that he ever talked to. None the less, he still takes the time out from his pressing duties to fall in a hole, float helplessly in space and lose a fight to a bunch of flowers. Yes, this actually happens and no, I have no idea why we're meant to care. So its time to fill up on napalm and be inexplicably buried in Oklahoma for the next chunk of Dire Straights. It has something that passes for emotional weight if you squint.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Saturday, November 23, 2024

Episode 484 - Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

Episode 484: Dire Straights, chapters 13-16


And so he stared at the drinks menu, long into the night and through the next day. Some say if you come to Moon Base ALUCE, you may find him to this day, staring at the menu still.


In this next semi-digested lump of Dire Straights, we are introduced to the fic's best realised character so far. That's right, it's Lupon's racist father-in-law, Johnny. What does he have to do with the rest of the story? Well absolutely nothing, and yet we get a huge block of text dedicated to his backstory and how much he hates his son in law. Also there may or may not be something about going into space, but at this point, who cares? I know that I don’t. So get your mysteries of the infinite beyond and your teletext remote for the next serving of Dire Straights. The cornbread tastes like corn!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Saturday, October 19, 2024

Episode 483 - Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Episode 483: Dire Straights, chapters 9-12


Well, there we go folks. We have hit peak Dire Straights. Apple juice from a paper cup. Everything from there is downhill.

In this next scintillating four chapters of Dire Straights, our protagonist and Private LaBelle discuss office stationery supplies. Now while you're reeling from that shocking development, it's also not the only amazing thing that happens, as he also goes on a joyless date, eats breakfast, cooks a turkey, brings down the mood in the room and gets stuck in traffic going to the airport! Yes, it's a thrill a minute and you won't want to miss a single excruciating moment. So preheat the oven, set the timer and get your side salad for the next generous serving of Dire Straights. It’s the only job you can get in Jamaica!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, September 22, 2024

Episode 482 - Dire Straights, chapters 5-8

Episode 482: Dire Straights, chapters 5-8


But only if they're from the Bioroid region of France. Otherwise they're just sparkling alien invaders

In this next riveting portion of Dire Straights our protagonist flies halfway across the world, has a food court pizza and flies back. Not only that, but much of the rest of its runtime is spent on reminding us that far more interesting people exist and that we could be reading about them instead. But in the meantime we get to go on an awkward date, attend a joyless Christmas party and maybe, just maybe, fight in the space robot war. So get your medal of honour and arbitrary promotions for the next four semi-digested lumps of Dire Straights. And so we did.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Sunday, August 25, 2024

Episode 481 - Dire Straights, chapters 1-4

Episode 481: Dire Straights, chapters 1-4


He'd tried to lick the night vision in the hope that it was lime flavoured

Dire Straights is the story of a guy. He fills in forms, sits in waiting rooms, has dinner, explains uniform regulations, describes televisions and, uh, well, I feel like there was something else I was forgetting. Oh yeah, that's right, aliens attack. That's it. So who is this man and why do we care about him? Well to be honest, the fic doesn't even bother giving us the slightest clue or reason, so take that how you will. But in the meantime, grab your MARPAT and your Panasonic plasma television for the first four lumps of Dire Straights. You get your fanfic for nothing and your riffs for free.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.


Monday, July 29, 2024

Episode 480 - A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6

Episode 480: A Helping Hand, chapters 5-6


They won't be as happy when Egypt is over-run by Triffids.

In order to end world hunger, the Sagara Foundation has developed a radical plan to transform vast swathes of lifeless desert wasteland into fertile farms. What does this have to do with the rest of the story? Nothing at all, actually, but the fic wastes a huge chunk of time on it no less, which I'll take since its not more descriptions of people playing video games. Still there is a chunk of that as some very stupid people take part in a nonsense battle for no apparent reason and are saved because only one person has a few basic ideas. So get your orbital killsat and your non-explosive catapult for the final part of A Helping Hand. No, they're not helping in the slightest.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.