Episode 489 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 4-7

Episode 489: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 4-7

McGonagall has the power of attorney and can cast the Tickling Charm 

In this regurgitated chunk of Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Boy Who Lived reviews a list of textbooks and then goes shopping for school supplies. Meanwhile, Dumbledore and McGonagall stand around while Dan Granger complains about everything and Casey Jones and Raphael arrange a date in Central Park without specifying where in Central Park they're going to meet which means that both of them could be anywhere by now. All of this is to say that if you’re looking for huge chunks of copy-pasted text with new characters crudely added into it, then Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the fic for you. Otherwise you might want to consider something else. Like, literally anything.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 488 - Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 1-3

Episode 488: Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, chapters 1-3

Thank you for that, random exposition wizard

Having made his way to New York despite being an unaccompanied five-year-old and having only some small change on hand, Harry Potter is immediately found by Splinter who adopts him for no reason whatsoever. And thus, we get Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is that rare case where a fic's title is also its premise. So what does Harry do now that he has his new life as a shinobi sewer hobo? Well not much, as the fic mostly consists of regurgitated scripts with him crudely pasted into them. But between that we get Dumbledore fumbling around and Dad Granger Senior being the smartest person around, so I suppose that counts for something. So steal a wallet and fake a passport for Harry Potter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sewer Slide sold separately.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 487 - Dire Straights, chapters 25-28

Episode 487: Dire Straights, chapters 25-28

The stress of the situation is getting to him, but the knowledge that there are utility poles helps to bring him a measure of calm

Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

After twenty-four chapters of jerk turkey, parades, uniform regulations and plasma televisions, the plot of Dire Straights finally arrives. And, well, it’s as stupid as you would expect from this fic so far as not only does it rely on Our Protagonist, but it also relies on everyone around him being incredibly dumb and knowingly and willingly going along with it. And so as we talk about witness protection, have something that could pass for a showdown with something that could pass for the villain and delight in more pointless cameos, we bid a fond farewell to Dire Straights’ most beloved character, Lupon’s racist father-in-law. Oh, and there’s also another alien invasion or something. Honestly, I'm not sure if I care any more because the narration definitely doesn't.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 486 - Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

Episode 486: Dire Straights, chapters 21-24

‘I hope I don’t regret being sent into a potentially life-threatening situation with no awareness or control of myself’ is not the inspiring yearbook quote he thinks it is.

Warning: Contains Anti-Semitic and Racist slurs

In this next inanimate lump of fanfic, the global economy collapses and nobody seems to really notice. Well our protagonist does, because he now needs to look for a new job and his skillset (Identifying different types of uniform) is not fantastically marketable or transferrable. Fortunately, there's an alien clone conspiracy looking for a brainwashed stooge and he's the perfect man for the job. After all, who would notice? So it's time for you to bounce a cheque, get a money order and forego your Christmas bonus for the penultimate segment of Dire Straights. Yes, there is a story this time and yes, it’s as stupid as you expect.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 485 - Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Episode 485: Dire Straights, chapters 17-20

Cancer is like having giant war robots running around inside your body

The space robot war reaches its apocalyptic conclusion, and in its aftermath our hero reacts to the devastation in the same way he reacts to everything, which is to say that he fills in forms, obsessively describes what uniform everyone is wearing and continues to resent every woman that he ever talked to. None the less, he still takes the time out from his pressing duties to fall in a hole, float helplessly in space and lose a fight to a bunch of flowers. Yes, this actually happens and no, I have no idea why we're meant to care. So its time to fill up on napalm and be inexplicably buried in Oklahoma for the next chunk of Dire Straights. It has something that passes for emotional weight if you squint.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 484 - Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

Episode 484: Dire Straights, chapters 13-16

And so he stared at the drinks menu, long into the night and through the next day. Some say if you come to Moon Base ALUCE, you may find him to this day, staring at the menu still.

In this next semi-digested lump of Dire Straights, we are introduced to the fic's best realised character so far. That's right, it's Lupon's racist father-in-law, Johnny. What does he have to do with the rest of the story? Well absolutely nothing, and yet we get a huge block of text dedicated to his backstory and how much he hates his son in law. Also there may or may not be something about going into space, but at this point, who cares? I know that I don’t. So get your mysteries of the infinite beyond and your teletext remote for the next serving of Dire Straights. The cornbread tastes like corn!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 483 - Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Episode 483: Dire Straights, chapters 9-12

Well, there we go folks. We have hit peak Dire Straights. Apple juice from a paper cup. Everything from there is downhill.

In this next scintillating four chapters of Dire Straights, our protagonist and Private LaBelle discuss office stationery supplies. Now while you're reeling from that shocking development, it's also not the only amazing thing that happens, as he also goes on a joyless date, eats breakfast, cooks a turkey, brings down the mood in the room and gets stuck in traffic going to the airport! Yes, it's a thrill a minute and you won't want to miss a single excruciating moment. So preheat the oven, set the timer and get your side salad for the next generous serving of Dire Straights. It’s the only job you can get in Jamaica!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis

Written by: Zogster and Rick R.