Episode 435 - Cross in the Light, chapters 1-10

Episode 435: Cross in the Light, chapters 1-10

The line between innuendo and incompetence is hard to define.

This fic is about the Autobot Crosshairs. No, actually, it’s about his long-lost sister Lightning Flares. No, scratch that, it’s actually about Rangeblade, a Decepticon who’s reassessing her life choices. No, forget all that, it’s actually about Jamie. Who is Jamie, you might ask? Well the fic doesn’t really help there, but we do learn that she can sense Transformers, has a mutant healing factor and can bend the fabric of time, space and reality to her will and as such it’s vitally important that she’s happy at all times despite the fact that she seems to generate drama as she goes. It’s certainly not about a mysterious group of guys in robot suits, even though that’s probably more interesting. So leave no dentist behind for the first part of Cross in the Light. Almost featuring Hound. Almost.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 434 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 19-21

Episode 434: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 19-21

You know what, forget it. You two chuckleheads get the kitchen airborne, I’ll be over here drinking myself into oblivion.

It’s time to bid fond farewells to all your favourite characters such as Stark, Bruge, Remi, Remi’s Dad, Vald, Uziel, Tundra, Lexe, Krimson Krullos, General Automoose, Harris, Zephyr, Marcus, Zozos, Teal, Ferrel, Peterson, Euriphades, Thaemos, Katsults, Zartols, Simon, Heavy, Royal, Salle, Gerge, Velvette, Spiner, Zartols, Ms Keratin, Mr Barnon, Jo, The Spicy Threesome, AMD Double-Barrelled 30mm Beam Cannon and Kenji as we auger in the flaming wreckage of the fic. But even as it gives up the will to live it still manages to surprise us all by undercutting its entire premise in the final chapter in a plot twist that’s so stupid that you have to stop and think about all the elements that would need to come together to make it happen in the first place. So fly your underground bunker off into the sunset for the last part of the non-conclusion of Zoids Battle Saga. It’s got monkeys!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 433 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 16-18

Episode 433: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 16-18

Yeah, I mean we keep telling Jim not to pull of his face like a mask and strip the jailer naked, but there he goes again.

Years ago, Stark swore that he would get vengeance on the one man responsible for the destruction of his beloved peasant village. And now, after a dozen chapters of messing around, introducing pointless characters and side-plots that go nowhere, that day has arrived. Naturally of course the fic then completely fluffs it and instead brings in even more pointless characters, but if you’ve gotten this far you probably expect that by now. But what you really are here for is the tragic backstory of some random wandering desert lunatic and the hilariously named trio of incompetents who wander into the scene for the simple sake of it, as it’s by far the best part of the fic so far. So have some tea and North American-exclusive toy variants for the next section of Zoids Battle Saga. It’s… spicy.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 432 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 14-15

Episode 432: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 14-15

Do you want his actual story, or his feverish delusional story? Because fair warning, the second one is a lot more fun.

Remember when this fic was about Stark and his quest to do stuff? Me either, really. Now it’s about Tundra being evil and… no, wait, forget that. In fact, just forget Tundra full stop. Instead it’s about Ferrel Hawkins who is some wandering guy who goes around killing other guys for reasons we can only guess at. Or maybe it’s about Vald who, having spent eleven years staring at a hole in the ground has decided to move on with his life to be a blood-soaked killing machine. Or not, because who can tell anything at all with this fic? I know I can’t. So get comfy in your absurdly large base with a nice hot bowl of rock soup for the next segment of Zoids Battle Saga. It’s got stuff. We think.

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 431 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 11-13

Episode 431: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 11-13

Your onomatopoeia is undercutting your drama

Life’s not easy for Kenji. There’s a girl he likes, he has problems with bullies at school and an abusive gym teacher, his parents are clearly in trouble and trying to hide it from him and there is a mysterious group who are trying to take over his peaceful home town. You might then ask, what does any of this have to do with the rest of the fic? That’s a very good question, actually, one to which it never provides anything that even remotely resembles an answer. But yet we have a huge block of it in the middle of the fic anyway for no real reason whatsoever. So guzzle some prune juice for the next chunk of Zoids Battle Saga. Now with less context!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 430 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 7-10

Episode 430: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 7-10

And so the evil empire attacked and saved us from Stark’s wangst. Thanks, evil Empire.

After eleven years of digging a hole in the desert, Vald has discovered a mysterious underground village populated by a previously civilisation. And while this was the single moment he had dedicated his entire life to, he’s also completely irrelevant to it. Instead it’s all about Stark, with him being presented to the magical exposition fairy who gives him both a generic quest and a McGuffin to help him along the way. In the meantime, Marcus does stuff, Tundra loses the plot and generic bad guys are generically evil, but to be honest, do you actually care about any of them? So steal some donuts for the second chunk of Zoids Battle Saga. Now with even more references to toy lines you’ve never heard of!

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.

Episode 429 - Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 1-6

Episode 429: Zoids Battle Saga, chapters 1-6

That’s what we’ve been missing from our fic reviews. Long lists of what plastic toy dinosaur everybody has

Catastrophes have rendered Earth uninhabitable, and mankind’s only hope is a deep-space colonisation ship hurtling towards an unknown planet. But the sudden death of the captain has thrown the crew into chaos, putting the mission and the fate of humanity at risk. What will happen? Well it doesn’t matter as none of this has anything to do with the fic at all, but it’s all front-loaded in the infodump anyway. What it’s actually about is Stark the Generic Protagonist and his quest to fulfil a mystic destiny, which coincidentally, was also in the opening infodump. So grab yourself an old-timey prospector and look out for Shali-Halud (he whose passage makes the world) for the first part of Zoids Battle Saga. We’ll be here a while

Riffers: Dan, Rebecca Bartley, Tsuneo Tateo and Rick R. Mortis
Written by: Zogster and Rick R.